Intrepid investigative political retorter Andy Borowitz has stumbled upon an explosive new bombshell. After picking himself up and finding a place to duck and cover, Borowitz wrote the following:
Eleven indicted Somali pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing that their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of banking giant Goldman Sachs.
There was an audible gasp in court when the leader of the pirates announced, "We are doing God's work. We work for Lloyd Blankfein."
Borowitz says the pirates received bonuses last year amounting to $48 million, paid in cash. In dubloons. They merged with Goldman in 2008, because of the more lax regulation of bankers.
On the need for a new regulatory approach, Borowtiz quotes:
"There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if they were, in fact, pirates," one government source said. "But if they're bankers, our hands are tied."
In follow-up interviews imagined by imaginary reporters for the Turkana News Network (TNN), Republican leaders scoffed at Democratic plans to regulate the pirates. Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell is rumored to have said, "We're already over-regulated and over-taxed. Pirates need a free market in which to ply their trade. Once again, the Obama Administration seems more interested in imposing excessive government than in protecting decent God-fearing working people."
McConnell then dismissed reporters, saying he had a sack of dubloons he needed to deposit in an account in the Caymans.
Republican House leader, John Boehner, his orange skin gleaming in the glare of the spotlight, was terse in his response. "No," said Boehner. "No, what?" asked reporters. "Just no," said Boehner. "Whatever it is, I'm against it!"
Sarah Palin, reading from a prepared script, said, "Milk, eggs, baby seal steaks, fur coat... Oops, I'm reading from the wrong hand."
David Broder wrote that the Democrats need to find a way to work with the pirates, to build consensus on international shipping policy. "Every issue seems to bring out the divisive partisanship of the Democratic Party," The Dean opined. "Pirates deserve respect. Just like Republicans!"
Echoing Broder, Lindsey Graham seemed baffled and appalled. "I'm always open to working across the aisle, but Democrats always manage to make it impossible for me to work with them. It's their fault. Every time. Every single time. I'm above the political fray, but they're not. They're beneath the fray. I never have a bad word to say about anyone, because I'm reasonable and fair, but the Democrats cause everything that is wrong in the world. They suck."
When TNN approached John McCain for comment, he just glared, then snarled, "Get off my lawn!"
One Pirate leader, who wished to remain anonymous, told TNN, "Until we merged with Goldman, we were amateurs. Those guys really know how to run an operation. They've been doing it for decades."