When I was a wild girl in my twenties, I thought the purpose of life was to have fun, get loaded, make love, travel, meet interesting people and have new experiences. I made sure to do all of that. I moved far away from my family and was blessed to make wonderful friends, truly exceptional people. They were traveling companions, working partners, lovers, confidants and sidekicks. We had great adventures and laughed so much.
I was such an innocent.
As I grow older, in my late 50’s now, I have a very different perspective on life and what it is truly about.
Love and Loss
A special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room. We meet every Monday evening. Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are "mourning" is still alive ("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grieving in whatever way works for you. Share whatever you need to share. We can't solve each other's problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.
I was in my forties before I lost a friend in my age group. His name was Tim and he was a flamboyantly gay costume designer, caterer, actor and make-up artist. Some people are meant to open doors, Tim was meant to sail through them. He died of HIV at 46 years old. He taught me how to dress and shop and made me a better cook and a better friend. He was such a great host that he died the day before he and his partner had planned a lavish catered dinner for their friends, so he essentially catered his own wake. I simply could not comprehend that I would have to live the whole rest of my life without ever seeing him again.
Love and Loss
In March of 2000 the son of dear friends died suddenly of a brain aneurism two weeks before his 18th birthday. I had cuddled him as a baby and he and my daughter had been life-long friends. Losing a child in our circle was a devastation I had never imagined. For months afterward, I would wake up with that dark feeling like after having had a really bad dream and then realize, no, it isn’t a bad dream, Whitney is dead. The pain it has caused his family is unimaginable and yet, how many parents have lost children and feel that loss and pain every day for the rest of their lives? We expect our parents to die before we do and in fact my mother died two years ago of cancer. We got to be sweet to each other and say our goodbyes. Very hard, yet appropriate in the greater scheme of things. Losing a child upends the world.
Love and Loss
I met Mimi in 1975. We were both 22 years old. She was my dearest and most intimate friend. We shared thoughts that were never shared with other friends, sisters, mothers, children or husbands. In thirty-three years of friendship, we never had a single fight or were mad at each other for any reason. She was the kind of wise and funny friend that most people wish for and few are ever fortunate enough to find.
In September of 2008, we spent a wonderful evening laughing and talking excitedly about her son’s planned wedding the following summer. She was going in for a liver biopsy the next morning, just an out-patient procedure, because her liver enzymes were showing some changes. Nothing serious. However, during the procedure, the doctor nicked an artery. They kept her in the hospital for a couple of days, gave her two transfusions and sent her home. The next day, Mimi began having trouble breathing and her husband took her back into the hospital. The following evening she slipped away. The autopsy found she had continued to bleed internally.
Love and Loss
Again I wondered, how will I make it through the rest of my life without my friend? She held my life story and I held hers. I’m too damn old to find a new best friend. Now when I see commercials with two older women who share everything, "even osteoporosis!" I feel pissed off and cheated that I didn't get to have osteoporosis with Mimi. Nothing will ever be quite as fun as it was with Mimi, especially osteoporosis.
Right after her death, I remember being sick with grief but having to pull it together to go to the market, and feeling stunned that the world could even turn without my loved one on the planet. How many other people who were right in front of me were just as grief-stricken as I was but had to keep it inside like I did? Maybe that really grumpy woman in the check-out line just lost her husband and was completely devastated (or maybe she was just grumpy).
How do we live with the knowledge that life inevitably brings loss? I know now that however much time I have will be more and more about losing those I love. The Tibetan Buddhism I follow teaches us that attachment brings suffering, but try as I might, I am still attached.
The leaden coat I wore for so long is back in the closet but I’m sure I’ll wear it again. The raw wound has closed but I know it can re-open. Yet, if we don't love, how meaningful will life be?
Because really, why else are we here?
Love, Love
Yesterday was Mimi's birthday and tomorrow is Tim's. Happy Birthday my dear ones....I miss you so very much.
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