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I signed off daily kos as no expert over a year ago, in the midst of another job loss and a second mental break down. Since that time I have gotten my life back on track again. It's taken a long time, but I feel I am finally learning to accept and manage my illness. Here is some of my story (unrevised - stream of thought style.)
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder back in 1998. While bipolar disorder is often difficult to diagnose, for me there was little question. At the time I was teaching in a self contained classroom for high school students with behavior problems. Needless to say this was a very challenging and stressful position, but I was muddling through. One day mid year I was called in to meet with administrators and told to shape up the program or I would not be hired back. This seemed fair, if things continued the way they were I wouldn't have wanted to return anyway. Less than a week later I was hospitalized with a major psychotic breakdown. I had become super teacher for a few days then proceded to lose touch with reality. As I became progressively worse, I had wondered if I was going crazy, but dismissed it because it wasn't in my realm of possibility. I missed a few weeks of class then returned to finish out the school year.
That spring/summer I experienced my first episode of major depression and moped around for months. In May my husband and I had received nonrenewal of our contract notices on the same day (he is a teacher as well.) Fortunately, we were both able to find other teaching positions. Foolishly, I returned to teaching high needs behavior problem students. Jobs working with these types of students are easy to come by, so when I would burn out working with students in one setting, I'd take a postion elsewhere, perhaps getting sworn at by kids of a different age.
That is one reason my resume got to be so long (7 jobs in about 12 years) so that (eventually) finding a new position became difficult. Looking back, I'm sure my bipolar disorder was a factor, both in making some impusive career moves and also affecting my job performance. With changing jobs so frequently, I changed insurance and doctors frequently as well. I was also inconsistent in taking my medication and seemed to get along fine for long periods without it, though I did experience episodes of both hypomania and minor depression.
Last year I was experiencing a period of significant depression. I was no longer working with high needs behavior problem kids, but was unhappy in my job for other reasons. I had been off medication for over a year and was just going through the motions. One day, while looking online for another teaching position I came across a listing for my own position, so I was unemployed once again.
Over that spring I was going through what is described as a mixed state, both manic and depressed at the same time. My self esteem was very low, but I also had much energy for trying to get my life back together. I put the start of a second mental breakdown on Easter, and once again it took just under a week.
This time I recognized some of my symptoms, having been through it before, but realized what was happening too late to work with my doctor to put a stop to it. Once again I had a few productive days at work, but then lost my ability to focus and went home for some rest. By Saturday I remember my mind was too unfocused to figure out how to do a load of laundry. Staying with family members helped me stay in touch with reality, but it took more and more effort. Time byself resulted in thinking that grew more and more deluded. For me when my mind breaks down there is the sane part that observes it and recognizes what is going on. Then there is the part that is deluded that gradually completely takes over. On this instance, during a sane period, I told a family member that I was losing it and should go down to the ER because I was going to get worse. At the hospital they observed me for a while and I did indeed get worse. Had they done their job better, I would have been put on an antipsychotic earlier, which would have prevented the delusions from growing to the extent they did.
One symptom of mania can be grandiose thinking which is a major symptom of the breakdowns I've experienced. For me the theme has always been religious. During mentally healthy periods I am interested in religion and consider myself agnostic, during depression I become more of an atheisit, and during manic episodes I experience what feels like a very real presence of a higher power and a tremendous intereconnectivety of the universe. If I could find the right medication and dosage, living in a state of hypomania, perhaps mildly deluded, would be a great way to experience life.
To wrap up this mini biography of my illness, after another long spell of major depression I was able to find another teaching job last fall and things have recently been going well. I did make the mistake (again) of cutting back on my medication due to some side effects I was experiencing (primarily a hand tremor)and in March was back to a manic episode. While on a spring break vacation I recognized some deluded thinking similar to what I had experienced in the past and had some major anxiety of having another breakdown, especially while on the flight back. Getting a presription filled for an antipsychotic took care of the symptoms, however. I have since been working with my psychiatrist to determine the lowest dose of medication that will manage my symptoms and minimize side effects.
As much as there is a "typical experience" of bipolar disorder, mine is not it. The psychotic episodes, which have been a major part of my expereince are not common, though the long time periods of no or minor symptoms can be more typical for bipolar I. Research shows that there is a genetic risk factor for getting the disorder. In my family, I have a grandfather who had a mental breakdown during the depression when he feared losing his farm. At times I find myself looking for signs or sypmtoms in my two teenage children and feel that one has a temperment that puts him more at risk than the other. Sometimes I wonder if I had chosen a nonstressful career (some sort of govt bureaucrat for example) if the illness would have remained just a latent risk for me. Having my first episode in my mid thirties was a later onset than what is typical.
Another difference for me is I believe my depressions are less severe than what some people with bipolar disorder experience. While at times I have layed around wishing I were dead, I have never seriously considered taking steps to achieve that goal. I have gone so far as to imagine how I might do it (pills and/or carbon monixide in the garage) but always felt confident that I could get through another day or call someone if I really got desperate. Being unwilling to hurt my family has always been sufficient suicide prevention for me.
In closing, sorry for my errors and omissions and lack of much general information about bipolar disorder. I am a procrastinator by nature and it is nearly time to publish. I will be around to answer questions to the best of my ability, although I can't say that I am super knowlegeable regarding specifics on the illness. I only recently decided to learn more about it and get more serious about taking care of myself. This of course is really stupid given the severity of my symptoms, but I believe my time frame of taking many years to accept and manage the illness is also a little bit typical.
For many years I and my family were in general denile that I really had the illness, assuming it was a one time event, such as what occurred with my grandfather. Also there is the general stigma of living with mental illness, for me compounded by the fact that I experience the episodes of pyschosis. Many friends and neighbors are reluctant to even acknowledge or inquire about the illness or my hospitalizations. When I do talk about it, my experiences are a thing few (no one) can really relate to.
For general information about bipolar disorder:
National Institute of Mental Illness
National Alliance on Mental Illness
Bipolar Disorder- WebMD