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My husband died 2 months ago. Since then I've been in constant pain like I've been shot in the heart. More than that it feels like someone is beating every part of me with rocks all the time. I have no one. My husband and I were almost 60 and we had started to "slow down" everything but work.

But my husband was the most dynamic man I've ever known. We sort of stopped going out at night, other than maybe for dinner, because we were suddenly tired more at 9 than 11. Plus, we totally entertained each other. We made each other laugh all day and night. We worked together. He was kind and generous and funny and beautiful, even at 60 and he died in a car wreck.

My son loves me but he has a very busy and full life. He is telling me that I have to get stronger. He knows it hurts but he just doesn't have the time to fit me in. I have nothing and no one. Even my job is frightening. My husband was one half of our team. He was the important half. I kept him running at his peak but I was not the "one who got things done". Over 2000 people came to his funeral.

In all this pain, with no one to turn to, no one to talk to, I knew that if I just hung on, if I could barely hang on I would eventually find a sort of life. It wouldn't be half the life I had, but it would be something.

One thing terrorizes me. Not having health insurance. I've done everything I  can to make sure I do have health insurance. My husband kept me alive 15 years after they told him I would die of diabetes. He just said "no way" and did everything to stop it from happening. Today, I'm like 20 years old inside thanks to him.

I haven't really read the news since he died. Today I read that the republicans will possibly take back the Senate. They will certainly do it in two or three elections. They will hand out vouchers and then we have no more healthcare. Those vouchers are going to cover enough to last about a year.

I will die alone. I will die frightened and very sick and without insurance. How in this world can people let them win? How can they not understand that every republican will be watching their own parents, grandparents and sometimes children die in horrible ways. Do they really think they will have enough funds to buy insurance when only the healthy will qualify for decent insurance?

And the evangelical and catholic crowd. I have one word to say... pope. Don't people even care about their children anymore?

And the Democrats won't even go to the polls? Are you kidding? Is this real?

Would I ever hurt myself? No. I couldn't do that. Will I live through this week? I doubt is. I am terrified. I am already so frightened of republican rule I can't breathe. I will never make this. I will just stop functioning. My heart has not stopped pounding for three days.  I cannot live for years frightened of what I know they want to do. And to live it without my husband... not possible.  What happened? How did we lose everything in the space of two months?

President Obama has been the most successful President in history. What happened? I know he's not perfect for everyone--that is not possible. But this? This complete giving up? Why? Why are Democrats giving freedom away forever?

Originally posted to Crispian Day on Tue May 18, 2010 at 11:28 AM PDT.

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