Ever since Paul's Tuesday night Republican primary victory in the Kentucky Senate race, some strange things have been happening.
A sudden surge in economic activity has swept the country. Sales are up in seemingly unrelated industries with activity unevenly distributed across the country.
To find out more about this amazing phenomenon, follow me beneath the crease.
Here's the full transcript of an exchange between studio host Wolf Bulzitter and reporter Creepy Crawley shown on CNN (Corporate News Network) today:
Bulzitter: Reports are indicating that this has been a particularly busy week for some industries around the country. Surges began slowly on Wednesday but really took off on Thursday and Friday. For the story, we go to reporter Creepy Crawley. Creepy, just exactly what are we seeing and what does it mean?
Crawley: Wolf, we are seeing several industries booming, and some of them seem to have a regional tilt. For instance, we are seeing several industries doing well in the South. Household linen manufacturers report that sales of bedsheets have skyrocketed. I interviewed J. B. White of Karo Kwality Kwilts, a sheets, towels and blankets distributor in Alabama, and he told me by phone, "Our orders doubled this week, and all the activity seemed to hit late in the week. Another surprise was that the orders were overwhelmingly for white sheets. We were surprised because for many years now our pastels and designer patterns have been our best sellers. But we at KKK are committed to getting these much needed items to our customers."
And it's not just bedsheets, Wolf. I spoke with Luster Maddux, grandson, nephew and cousin of former Georgia governor Lester Maddox. He manages a Home Depot in rural Bygot, GA, and he reported a spike in the sales of garden tool handles. Here's the audio of that interview:
Maddux: Well, it's amazin', Creepy. We were havin' a pretty normal week through Wednesday, but then Thursday mornin', folks were lined up at the door when we opened. A lot o' folks must be choppin' their own firewood, 'cause everybody wanted axe handles. We sold out in less than an hour and people had to settle for pick handles. Even those were gone by noon. We're back ordered and it'll take awhile to catch up."
Crawley: And the third area that seemed to go big in the Southern states late in the week was sign makers and sign painters. Here's an example of some of the signs being ordered, Wolf.
Dead air as Creepy scowls into the camera.
Bulzitter (holding his earpiece and speaking to the director): Can we get those pictures up there?
[The following image appears:]
Bulzitter: Thanks. Now we can see it, Creepy.
Crawley: Right, Wolf. And it seems even portable signs are renting like hotcakes. Here's a look at one from Rasist, MS.
[The following image appears:]
Bulzitter: Well, that's interesting. White sheets, axe handles, and racist signs. What could those things possibly have in common, Creepy?
Crawley: No one knows for sure, Wolf. I spoke with Ima Pinhead from the Hurtitage Foundation and she told me that these were likely coincidental events with no real relationship between them. I figured, why investigate further?
Bulzitter: Right, Creepy. I understand there's one other area that has seen sales shoot up this week.
Crawley: That's right, Wolf. It seems that popcorn sales have reached record highs across the country, particularly on the coasts, in college towns, and in cities across the nation. The makers of Orville Reddenbacher say that since Tuesday night they haven't been able to keep up with demand. They have added a third shift to their Indiana plant. And analysts say corn prices could soar this year if demand keeps up.
Bulzitter: Any idea why this is happening, Creepy?
Crawley: Wolf, I spoke with very liberal economist Paul Krugman and the view from the extreme fringe of the far, far left is that the American people need something to munch on while watching the antics of Kentucky senatorial candidate Rand Paul. Of course, that's what the lunatic fringe is saying.
Bulzitter: Well, that's just crazy, isn't it?
Crawley: Well, you would think so, Wolf. But there are unconfirmed rumors that Paul received this by express mail on Saturday.
[The following image appears on the screen:]
Bulzitter: Is that an autographed picture of Orville Reddenbacher?
Crawley: That's right, Wolf. Reports are that it arrived at Paul's campaign headquarters at around 10 o'clock yesterday. But let me emphasize that, despite the testimony of 12 independent witnesses, this is only a rumor.
Bulzitter: Well, thanks for that in-depth report, Creepy. That's why CNN is the world leader in news.
Crawley: Oh, one more thing, Wolf.
Bulzitter: What's that, Creepy?
Crawley: It seems that rope sales in the South also took an upturn late in the week. We'll be keeping an eye on that going forward.
Bulzitter (with a little chuckle): Well, we'd expect nothing less from you, Creepy.
Crawley (flashing a rictus smile): Thank you, Wolf.
Bulzitter: And after the break, we'll have our usual panel of experts discuss why the Democratic victory in PA-12 is good news for John McCain. Stay tuned.
So you see, Kossacks, rumors that Paul's philosophy will destroy our nation are greatly exaggerated. He's a one-man economic stimulus package.