I used to meet people when they were coming into the world. Running down the long hospital corridors in the middle of the night, hurrying from the NICU to Labor and Delivery, for years I attended "difficult" births. The doctor would place a tiny wet infant into my arms and I would look into his or her eyes while drying and warming and resuscitating. The line between life and death is blurred at moments like that. I am not articulate enough to describe what it's like to feel a baby's heart grow stronger under your fingertips, to hold an oxygen cannula to the nose and see skin color change from pale or dusky blue to rosy pink, but I can tell you it is as close to a religious experience as I've ever had.
My life has taken a strange turn. Now I meet people as they face down such devastating illnesses that some of them will not long survive. Most of them are men and women I've met here, wonderful, gifted, funny people who first come to some random diary of mine and strike up a conversation with "Nurse Kelley". They email me - or I email them - and friendship grows.
This seems to be my ... ministry, for lack of a better word. I am not afraid of my own death, whenever it comes, and perhaps that is why I find myself once again walking the blurry lines between life and death. I do it because I can. Usually, most of the time, I feel privileged to share such an intimate part of life.
Last night I was bereft. Last night, fearing for a friend, the selfish part of me was crying out, "No! Don't go! Your spirit is such a gift to the world!"
Last night I shared my pain about one friend with another friend, and do you know what he did? He comforted me. HE comforted ME! Reading his loving words untied some unacknowledged knot of pain and I could not stop crying because I am selfish and I do not want to let go.
Thank you for listening. It helps, writing it down. I awoke this morning feeling myself again, strong enough to continue this second half of my career ... but last night my heart hurt.♥
UPDATE: Thank you all. For everything. My heart feels better tonight.♥