I may not show up much these days, but I have been around the block a few times. And the beatings... oh, the beatings. But I did learn a few things.
I learned that when you're writing for a DKos Institution, such as Mojo Friday (which I've done), or Top Comments (which I haven't done) or How to Hollow Out a Rare Javan Rhino and Sleep in it For Warmth (which doesn't actually exist, but which I would readily write for), you've got to take it for granted that people aren't going to read what you wrote, and will immediately speed toward the comments to get their mojo, socializing, or carcass-scooping instructions.
But I have a remedy, and that is brevity. And brevity is closest to godliness.
So here's three categories of easily digestible material for you to read:
First, Things I Recommend:
- I recommend that Hollywood make a movie about Hungry Hungry Hippos. Because the board game opens itself up to so many questions. Who are these beasts, and how do they know each other? How did they come to be so ravenous? And what does their struggle tell us about capitalism?
- I recommend not teaching your infant son how to execute a headbutt. Particularly when that son measures in the 100th percentile for head size.
- I recommend putting a webcam in your refrigerator. I've had a lot of fun sitting at my desk at work and watching all the food I forgot to bring to work slowly decompose.
- I recommend getting your children a Slip 'N' Slide, because it's about the most entertaining thing you can get them for under $10. But the thing is, you have to show them how it's done first. When doing so, remember the principle of physics that makes larger, heavier objects (like yourself) slide farther and faster than the small, light object you used to be.
- I recommend going to a Pride event, if you've never gone to one before. Because if they can throw a fun event for GLBTs here in Tulsa, OK and not have a single protester show up to hassle you in person, I think you can have fun at one of these just about anywhere. I saw dozens of men in heels and full-length ball gowns, but no fundamentalist party poopers. So who's really the brave one here?
- I recommend not correcting other people's grammar and spelling mistakes, particularly on the internet. I have a rule against this, but that's mostly because I'm actually paid to be an editor, and I hate working for free. But you should consider it too. Most of the time it was an honest mistake.
- I recommend being this confident, and this amazed in your daily life.
- I recommend being on the look-out for pillow-eating tigers, which my son tells me are waiting in people's bedrooms. He says they are red, and hungry.
- I recommend white lies. Some of my most common ones include the title of the movie I stayed up so late watching. Because "Avatar" swaps in for "Frost/Nixon" so easily.
- I recommend that NASA institute an "Everyone Gets One" policy on outer space orgasms. NASA certainly spends a lot of time insisting that nobody gets to have sex on their space stations, but personally I think these are people who work hard in a strenuous environment that challenges them both physically and mentally. So let them get their zero-G O-face on at least once in their careers.
- I recommend reminding yourself that Sarah Palin isn't in charge of anything. Every time you see her on TV, being treated seriously by a professional news anchor, just remember that she reports to no one, earned no one's votes and represents no one.
- I recommend choosing your friends carefully, especially if you're like me and you drink. There was a Japanese man in the news recently who died after his friends put a carnivorous eel into his hinder. Now, yes, this is gruesome, but I'm willing to bet that there were warning signs. There were previous drinking binges this group of friends undertook where someone woke up with an eggbeater or a Slinky or a talking Batman action figure lodged in their rectums, but these warnings were not heeded in time to prevent disaster. Don't make the same mistake! The people who think this stuff is funny are always trying to top themselves.
- Finally, I recommend ditching the platitudes. Phrases like "it's all part of God's plan," "the Lord works in mysterious ways," "God never gives you more than you can handle" and secular equivalents like, "There's a reason for everything" just show no respect for people. And Sharron Angle? Her church-lady-on-crank comment about rape victims making lemons into lemonade rings about the same as telling someone who was nearly murdered to "turn that frown upside down." I hope she was simply lying when she mentioned counseling women in crisis pregnancies because I shudder to think of anyone in such a difficult situation having to listen to this compassionless, simplistic prattle. Angle is feckless. She is without feck.
Second, Epiphanies:
Epiphany A: Fax machines shouldn't exist, but they do. Why? They exist so people can not receive your messages.
It's a common misconception that modern electronics exist to provide better communications with other humans, but this is clearly not the case. If it were, we'd all be talking on video phones.
Surely it's easier to understand someone if you have their facial expressions and nervous tics to navigate by? Yet video phones haven't caught on because it turns out human beings prefer not to be constantly visible to others.
So the conventional, non-video phone is a buffer device between you and the person on the other line, so you don't have to look at each other, or visually reveal what you are actually doing at the moment.
Everyone already knows the answering machine and voicemail were invented to help people not talk to people they don't wish to, yet for some reason people continue to think of the fax machine as a useful way to send documents to one another. It is not. It is another such buffer device.
Epiphany B: Yes, my company probably does monitor my e-mails, to the extent that they could probably even crack one open and read one. However I need not worry because I don't write about anything worth reading in an e-mail. I'm the kind of guy who, if I were Catholic, I'd put priests to sleep during Confession.
Epiphany C: Glenn Beck will have a university in the same sense that Col. Sanders had a standing army.
Epiphany D: Using a codpiece to hammer in roofing nails is a really inefficient way to get the job done, particularly when you're wearing the codpiece.
Epiphany E: I don't understand the moral panic over sexting, and here's why: The first electronic communication ever sent was a sext. "Mr. Watson, come here, I want you!" Who's fooling who here?
Epiphany F: Why did they make a sequel to "Titanic"? For the same reason they make a fried-chicken-on-fried-chicken sandwich and perfume that makes you smell like a Burger King Whopper. To make headlines, clicks and viral presence.
Epiphany G: Someone told me after the Gulf oilcano started spewing, "See? I told you we had plenty of oil left." I guess he was technically accurate, but that's a helluva way to be right, y'know?
Epiphany H: I can't hear the Johnny Cash lyrics, "Soon your sugar daddies will all be gone" without imagining someone who has exhausted his supply of caramel lollipops. Just like I can't hear the opening notes to "Smoke on the Water" without flashing back to every neighbor I've ever had who was trying to learn guitar.
Epiphany I: I think it's funny people were initially confused as to why Disney wanted to turn a theme park ride into a movie, with "Pirates of the Caribbean." Seems kind of quaint now that James Cameron is flipping it around and trying to turn movies into theme park rides.
Third: Questions that keep me up at night
- In the average hotel, do you think there's been more self-inflicted orgasms than orgasms that happened with someone else's help? And I'm talking about the entire hotel, not just the rooms. Because thinking about the other orgasms that happened in your room is a little creepy. Plus larger numbers are always more interesting. I think it depends on how much business travel patronage the hotel gets.
- I once went into a public restroom to find an empty stall, locked from the inside. How did that happen? Did someone go in and lock the door, only to panic at some point and clamber underneath the partition? Did I find evidence of a superhero who can travel through solid objects? Did the occupant simply vanish? And if so, do wizards actually use public restrooms?
- Why do people who aren't in design or the print media think they need to have, or even deserve to have, strong opinions about typefaces? If I have to hear one more hipster d-bag rail on Comic Sans, I'm going to punch every TOMS shoe in the world. You work in the receiving office of a sporting goods retailer. Shut the fuck up about fonts.
- Why do paper bags ripen fruit? I mean scientifically. Because this peach was a rock yesterday. And for that matter, will any paper container work? Because if so, I'm keeping my unripe fruit inside a pinata.
- The rhinoceros: Animal in its own right, or morbidly obese unicorn with skin disorder?
- I was at an airport on my last business trip when I grabbed a huge cinnamon bun to eat. Sitting in the terminal, I didn't want to get my hands messy, so I started eating it with a knife and fork. A nice lady from New Jersey told me this reminded her of the "Seinfeld" episode where this trend caught on. I said, in my best George voice, "How do you eat it? With your hands?" This is not a question, but it was a very funny moment for me.
- Does MSNBC actively encourage its on-air personalities to use props?
- Does Las Vegas hide all the broke people, like New York City hides all the homeless people? Because there's got to be a lot more broke people than the ones I saw there.
NFTT's Team Up For The Troops
If you're not just here for the mojo and/or my attempts at making you laugh, please take some time to check out this campaign NFTT is doing.
This year, Netroots For The Troops wants to make a tangible thank-you in our small way to the troops who are still serving, before they become veterans.
The mission is two-fold: shipment of CARE packages to U.S. soldiers and Marines serving in hostile regions of Iraq and Afghanistan for the duration of their deployment, and ongoing financial assistance for veterans and their families upon their return to the States.
The goal for 2010 is -$100,000- $35,000 (cash or in-kind donations). So far, we've raised $31,000, 25 percent of our goal. So there is a long way to go.
NFFT is a project of Netroots Arts and Education Initiative (NAEI), a 501(c)3 organization. Donations are tax-deductible to the extent permitted by law.
There are two ways you can help this program. 1. By making a donation by clicking here, or 2. By registering at this address.
At this site, the lovely NFTT folks can help you get started by creating your own personal fundraising page. Once you've signed up, they will email to you a Fundraising Kit that includes sample solicitation letters, how to order business cards and tips for how to ask people to support your cause.
All right, that's it!
I'm gonna close with a joke that isn't mine.
Q: How do you wake up Lady Gaga from a nap?
A: P-p-puh-poke her face.
Good night.