From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
What a Load 'O Bulwer!
My favorite contest---the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest---has its winners for 2010. Screw politics for a few seconds and behold a bit of beautiful badness:
For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss---a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil.
---Molly Ringle, Seattle (Grand Prize Winner)
As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, "Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand afoot ahead.
---Dennis Pearce, Louisville (Detective runner-up)
The Zinfandel poured pinkly from the bottle, like a stream of urine seven hours after eating a bowl of borscht.
---Alf Seegert, Salt Lake City (Purple Prose honorable mention)
She purred sensually, oozing allure that was resisted only by his realization as an entomologist that the protein dust on the couch from the filing of her crimson nails was now being devoured by dust mites in a clicking, ferocious, ecstatic frenzy.
---Jonathan BlayBedford, Canada (Romance runner-up)
Wearing his new slacks from L.L. Bean, and entering the pen to feed his three big dogs their usual three cans of dog food, some of which ended up on his new pants, Kevin then left the house to attend a revival screening of ‘Serpico’ with Alpo chinos.
---Greg Homer---Placerville, CA (Vile Puns dishonorable mention)
Oh, and if the poll is stumping you as much as it is me, try one 'o these. Then close your eyes and start clicking like mad until ya hit something.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 16, 2010
Note: ATTENTION Netroots Nation-bound folks who are planning on attending the C&J Dinner Wednesday evening at the Rio: Navajo has an important update and instructions here. Once you're all seated, she'll scratch her nose and that'll be your signal to eject the wait staff and lock the doors. After that... Well, what happens in Vegas.....
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the midterm elections: 109
Days `til the Wisconsin State Fair: 20
Amount for every $1 spent under the Recovery Act that is spent by the private sector: $3
(Source: The White House)
Total cost of raising a child from birth to age 17: $222,360
(Source: USDA)
Number of chiefs of staff that have fled from Michele Bachmann's office in less than four years: 5
(Source: Hardball)
Average per-gallon price of unleaded gas: $2.71
Approximate number of current or former members of Congress who are registered Kossacks: 40
(Source: Kos)
And from the Department of Homeland Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 3,048
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Smart dog. Dumb owner.
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CHEERS to President Obama's BIG win! Wow, what an amazing accomplishment, considering he's been in office just shy of a year and a half. It's a done deal. The likes of which hasn’t happened since 1910---when William Howard Taft was president! I'd like to shake his hand, give him a big 'ol hug and join him in a platter of lobster and corn on the cob to celebrate. Well done, sir---well done. I'm speaking, of course, of Barack Obama's decision to spend the weekend on Maine's Mount Desert Island and Acadia National Park. Awesome choice. Oh, a word of advice sir: don't miss Thunder Hole. The wave action against the back of the cave makes an ear-splitting and bizarre noise. It's like nature's version of a teabagger at a town hall meeting.
CHEERS to installing a brand new bankster blowout preventer. Yesterday, by a vote of 60-39, the Senate gently lowered a financial-reform cap over the gushing Wall Street wanker well. Pray it holds:
The law will give the government new powers to break up companies that threaten the economy, create a new agency to guard consumers in their financial transactions and shine a light into shadow financial markets. Consumer and investor transactions, whether simple debit card swipes or the most complex securities trades, face new safeguards or restrictions.
The new cap isn’t leak-proof by any means, and it'll probably take a relief bill or two to really seal up the holes, but for the time being it's a fairly bold beginning and a win for Democrats, especially chief engineers Chris Dodd and Barney Frank. At the same time, though, the cleanup from the catastrophic damage that's already been done could take years, maybe decades before things get back to nor... Hey, wait a minute---this is starting to sound awfully familiar.
JEERS to the Great Orange Outage of 2010. When Daily Kos goes down (network problems today, we're told), it's like a grade-school fire drill in January. Everybody gets all excited in the beginning, but they all end up in a listless, foot-stamping-to-keep warm huddle after a few minutes as they wait for the All Clear. Best punchline of the day, courtesy of Barbara Morrill (BarbinMD):
There will be many babies born in nine months...
I hope this is just an isolated incident. Mainly because it's very hard to have a flame war when you're limited to 140 characters on Twitter. (It's barely enough room to fit in the obscenities...)
CHEERS to climbing out on a ledge wearing roller skates. Whew---give Nancy Pelosi (who will be at Netroots Nation next Saturday) credit for chutzpah. These words arrived in my email in-box yesterday and almost shorted out my laptop:
"Here is what will happen in November. Democrats will keep control of the House. Period."
Either she knows something I don’t or she needs to lay off the Jell-O shots when she's writing emails. As usual, the truth probably lies somewhere in between.
CHEERS to Democrats who have been in <u<very</ins> high places. Happy birthday Sunday to John Glenn. At 89 the former astronaut and reality-based Democratic Senator from my home state of Ohio still craps bigger ones than Dick and Liz Cheney combined. In the DVD player this weekend: The Right Stuff.
P.S. Today is the 41st anniversary of the blastoff of Apollo 11, which climaxed with Neil Armstrong's immortal words from the moon: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for... Mmmm! Cheddar!"
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is a special GUEST STAR edition of The One Word Answer Man. Malia Obama asks her dad: "Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?"
"Kinda."
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS and JEERS to the ups and downs of bid'ness. I ain't no Paul Krugman or Bonddad, meaning I can't straggle too far into the weeds of financial news without having flashbacks of all the D's and F's I got in every numbers-oriented and graph-centric class I ever took. So I pretty much stick to the headlines to maintain my sanity and youthful beauty. Here's a sample from the business section this week to give you a taste of what's going on. As usual, they're good, bad, and at times contradictory:
Smaller U.S. firms still can't get loans
Startups get more venture capital in second quarter
Foreclosures hit a record high in the second quarter
Prices at the gas pump expected to remain steady
Factory output showed sharp drop in June
Consumers get better control of credit cards
Retail sales down in June, drop in auto sales cited
U.S. posts solid gains in exports in May; imports grow faster
Employers leery of adding workers
The scariest jobs graph you've seen yet
GE pledges $200 million for efficient power grid
Intel has best quarter in 42 years
But I really think we should be saving our worries and sympathies for the millionaires who are having trouble selling off their secluded mansions. It's enough to make ya spill your beluga caviar all over your Manolo Blanhiks.
CHEERS to them's whose in charge of the asylum. Sixty-three years ago this Sunday, on July 18, 1947, President Deweydefeatstruman signed the Presidential Succession Act, which clearly establishes who takes over if the president dies or is incapacitated. The current order is: Biden, Pelosi, Inouye, Clinton, Doc, Sneezy, Grumpy, the Salahis and, in the worst-case scenario of total nuclear annihilation, an 80-foot-tall cockroach.
CHEERS to home vegetation. It's gonna be HOT and STICKY here this weekend. Partly because of the weather but mostly because we'll be boiling huge vats of molasses and dumping 'em on the commoners from our roof. But we might get some TV time in, too. New DVD releases include Ben Stiller in Greenberg, Julianne Moore in Chloe, and Pierce Brosnan in The Greatest. (Somehow I can't picture him as Muhammad Ali, but it's amazing what they can do with makeup these days.) The British Open continues in Hoboken after a brief delay to change a flat tire on the beer cart. The second half of baseball season continues. (Wasn't that all-star score during the intermission swell, National Leaguers?) And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's exclusive SPOILER ALERTS!!!
Meet the Press: NRSC chair Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX), DSCC chair Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ), NRCC chair Rep. Pete Sessions (R-TX), and DCCC chair Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD). Spoiler Alert: The chairs won't fly, but the occasional spittle will.
This Week: Joltin' Joe Biden. Roundtable with George Will, Clarence Page, Dee Dee Myers and Nicole Wallace. Spoiler Alert: Joe will look a helluva lot better than the crappy September 2009 photo ABC News chose for their promo.
Face the Nation: Oh my! Arizona senate candidate J.D. Hayworth is making a network appearance without John McCain in the same room to bite his ankles? Shocking. Also: good ol' Democratic New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson. Spoiler Alert: One guest talks about immigration thoughtfully, and one guest talks about immigration like a rabid prairie dog with a bazooka and a grudge.
Washington Week: Eamon Javers of CNBC on the financial regulation bill. Dan Balz of the Washington Post on the midterm elections. Doyle McManus of the Los Angeles Times on the continuing housing foreclosure crisis. Martha Radditz of ABC News on Afghanistan. Spoiler Alert: In an embarrassing mix-up, McManus arrives with a bunch of junk from his attic on the mistaken notion that he's appearing on Antiques Roadshow. Host Gwen Ifill takes pity and gives him five bucks for his Richard Nixon stress-relieving squeezy ball.
The McLaughlin Group: As usual, the conservatives throw up red herrings and Eleanor Clift shoots 'em down. Spoiler Alert: Monica Crowley's boob mole burps.
The Chris Matthews Show: The show's web site wasn’t updated in time to let us know who's on this weekend. Spoiler Alert: Nobody cares.
Fox Pity Party with Chris Wallace: House Majority Whip James Clyburn and the Chairman of the House Republican Conference Mike Pence duke it out over the midterms. Spoiler Alert: Bill Kristol gets eaten by Team Jacob.
Happy viewing! Spoiler Alert: Some of the above viewing may not be entirely happy-making.
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Five years ago in C&J: July 16, 2005
JEERS to spoilsports. Pope Benedict the Ratzinger forbids you---and you and you and you---from reading the Harry Potter books because they could corrupt young Christians. In other news, the corruption of young Christians by pedophile priests is expected to cost the Catholic church between $2-3 billion dollars in the U.S. alone. So remember: No Harry Potter!
CHEERS to shooting yourself in the rhetorical mfoot. A large, well-controlled scientific study at Duke University Medical Center in Durham, NC shows that praying for sick strangers doesn't do a thing for them. Fundy balkers respond by saying "God's influence lies beyond the reach of scientific validation." Which instantly destroys their assertion that "intelligent design" should be included in science books. Nicely done, you clods.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Subway-car Wars. When fantasy-meets-real-life pranks like this one pop up on the intertubes, I have to agree with Dependable Renegade: I love New York. (If they're taking requests, I'd love to see 'em pull off the witch-melting scene in The Wizard of Oz next.) And on that note...
Have a great weekend. Start by having your doors blown off. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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