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Another night, another winner.  Jon Stewart waded into the Dr. Laura Schlessinger n-word controversy, and showed Palin's hypocrisy over getting all upset for Rahm Emanuel using "fucking retarded" to describe some liberal activists, but defending Dr. Laura for using the n-word.  This led to the hilariously offensive Palin Index.

OLIVER: Yeah, the r-word is trading at 13 1/2 n-words these days.

STEWART: According to who?

OLIVER: According to who?  The Palin Index!  Jon, it's like the NASDAQ of insults.  Chuck, can you just put up the ticker on the bottom of the screen here?

And Stephen followed up on Al-Waleed bin Talal's money connections, and showed the amazing connection... to Stephen Colbert!!!

Video and transcript after the fold.

First, let's talk about America.  Let's talk about the world.  If there's one thing that unites us as people, it is that no matter what your race, creed, or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty.  It's what we all have in common.  That and masturbation.  (wild audience applause)  I've hit a nerve.

But even within the world of derogatory slurs, the reigning and undefeated champion is still, in most people's minds, the n-word.  Which is why it was such a shock to hear radio host Dr. Laura Schlesshing-guer give this answer to a caller's question on her radio show.

I think the word you were looking for was "Betelgeuse".  All right, now, that was out of context.  Perhaps Dr. Laura deserves a little context here.

LAURA SCHLESSINGER: All you hear is nigger, nigger, nigger.

OK, yeah....  Yeah, that's not normally all you hear.  Dr. Laura was actually answering a call from a black woman whose white husband's friends would sometimes make insensitive racial remarks, and this woman was wondering how she should handle this.

SCHLESSINGER: Well, listen, without giving much thought, a lot of blacks....

OK, let me... let me stop you right there.  You might want to give a question like this some thought.  Otherwise, you may end up thoughtlessly chanting the most hurtful word in the English language on your syndicated radio program.

SCHLESSINGER: A lot of blacks voted for Obama simply 'cause he was half-black. ... We've got a black man as President, and we have more complaining about racism than ever.  I mean, I think that's hilarious. ... My bodyguard and my dear friend is a black man. ... I did and I'll say it again.  Nigger, nigger, nigger is what you hear on HB... ... I said, on HBO, listening to black comics, you hear "Nigger, nigger, nigger."  I didn't call anybody a nigger. ... If you're that hypersensitive about color and don't have a sense of humor, don't marry out of your race.

(audience howling in shock and disgust)

Maybe they should make that part of the vows.  Do you, reasonable black lady, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, or are you gonna be some uppity bitch who gets upset every time his friends call you a nigger?

The furor... yeah, that doesn't taste good.  The furor caused by Dr. Laura's words forced her to do some real soul-searching.  And what better place to search for souls than on a show hosted by the Crypt Keeper?

SCHLESSINGER: I made the decision not to do radio anymore.  The reason is I want to regain my First Amendment rights.  I want to be able to say what's on my mind and in my heart, and what I think is helpful and useful, without somebody getting angry...

Wait... but that... you're quitting because you want to control people's reactions to the crazy shit you say?  I don't think that's a First Amendment issue, that's a Jedi Mind Trick issue.  These are not the epithets you're looking for.

The more you know.

Seriously, who knows so little about the Constitution and the First Amendment?  Who thinks that the way to be a more effective voice for your followers is to quit your job?

TAMRON HALL (8/20/2010): Sarah Palin is defending Dr. Laura.

(wild audience applause)

Here we go.

Waaaaah... waaaaaaaaaaah.  Let me see if I can put this into terms that you'll understand, Twitter terms, if you will.

First Amendment not guarantee no criticism or give U radio show.  Playing victim pathetic.  Dr. Laura Schlessinger threw down a triple nig

Oh, I'm out of characters.

So to clarify, Sarah Palin believes it's a violation of the First Amendment for someone to feel public pressure to leave their job just because they used an offensive term.  Why is there something weird about that?

GRETA VAN SUSTEREN (2/2/2010): Former Governor Sarah Palin wants President Obama to fire his Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel.  Why?  Well, during a strategy session last year, Emanuel called the ideas of some liberal groups "[blank]ing retarded".

Don't retreat, Rahm, re-t....!  Uh, well, I didn't run out of characters, but I'm still not going to say it.  So, is Sarah Palin hypocritical, or is the r-word actually worse than the n-word?  To help us tease out some of the nuances of the controversy, we're joined by Wyatt Cenac and John Oliver.  Guys, thanks very much.

WYATT CENAC: Jon, this isn't even a debate.  Nigger is way worse than retard.

JOHN OLIVER: Oh, please!  Please.  Retard is way more offensive.

CENAC: Really?  More offensive than what?

OLIVER: Than, uh, your word.  That one.  Your one.

CENAC: Really.  Well then, if it's not that offensive, why don't you say it?

OLIVER: I don't want to say it!

CENAC: C'mon!

OLIVER: Because I'm tired.  I've said it too much today.  I'm tired of saying it, that's why.

CENAC: You see?  Right there, you're implicitly admitting that this (points at n-word) is somehow worse than that (points at r-word).

JON STEWART: But then... I used both words not two minutes ago.




(long bleeped out segment)

STEWART: Isn't the whole point that we get too caught up in the words?  Isn't this about context?  Isn't that what makes things offensive, what people are saying?

OLIVER: Right.  Absolutely, Jon.  But here's the... I don't think Dr. Laura was saying... his one (points at n-word) to be hurtful.

CENAC: You're right.  It was all the other racist shit she was saying.

OLIVER: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.  No, no, no.  No, no.

(wild audience applause)

OLIVER: No, no, no.  No, no, no, no, no, no, no.  Hold on, hold on.  No, that's not true.  She can't be racist, she has a black bodyguard.

CENAC: Let's see how long that lasts.

STEWART: Yeah, but most people didn't even hear all that "shouldn't get married, if you don't have a sense of humor, out of your race" stuff because the n-word blew everybody's circuits out, and that's what anybody reported.  They didn't report the context.

OLIVER: Oh, and you think the r-word doesn't do that?  Did you even remember who Rahm Emanuel was calling "fucking r-worded"?  (pause)  Do you remember?

STEWART: Was it... Dr. Schlessinger, or was it....?  I don't know.

OLIVER: Neither do I!  I don't know either.  That's the point.  Such is the power of the r-bomb.

STEWART: But everybody has different minefields when it comes to different words, and it's hard to empathize with what hurts other people.  Sarah Palin, I think, has a very legitimate reason to be very sensitive about the r-word.  Her child has developmental issues.  Perhaps she would feel differently, it would be a different situation, if Sarah Palin had a black child.

CENAC: Yeah, sure, you know, Todd would also have some legitimate questions.  But still, even by Palin's logic, I should still be way more offended.  Dr. Laura dropped the n-word 11 times, and Sarah Palin thinks she should reload.  Yet Rahm Emanuel says the r-word once, and Palin thinks he should be fired.

OLIVER: No, c'mon Wyatt.  C'mon, you know the exchange rate just as well as I do.

STEWART: I'm sorry, the exchange rate?  Because I'm not familiar....

OLIVER: Yeah, the r-word is trading at 13 1/2 n-words these days.

STEWART: According to who?

OLIVER: According to who?  The Palin Index!  Jon, it's like the NASDAQ of insults.  Chuck, can you just put up the ticker on the bottom of the screen here?

There it is.  There she goes.  There it is.  There we go.

All the information you need, Jon, is right down there.  And that's science!  That's science.  I don't know if you noticed, but kike was up 3 1/4.  So.

CENAC: Yeah, Mel Gibson's pizza was late.

STEWART: Boy, those just rolled off your tongue there, didn't it?  That just... neither one of you said...

OLIVER: What?  All I said was kike.

STEWART: Yeah!  But... And there's a little bit of a glint in your eye when you said that!

OLIVER: Said what?  Kike!  All I said was kike, Jon!

CENAC: No big deal!  Kike.

OLIVER: It's just kike!  Is that bad?  I thought it was a nicer way of saying Jew!  Jon, seriously, you should've said something!

CENAC: Yeah, that's what we call you around the office.  I mean, if you're offended, you should really get a t-shirt, man.

OLIVER: You should get a t-shirt.  You should get one of these.

STEWART: Wyatt Cenac and John Oliver, everybody.  We'll be right back.

Notice that the r-word is trading at +5 in the Palin Index.  :-)  Now, let us go forth make the "Palin Index" an actual meme.  Like at Netroots Nation, when Elon James White told us when he says "Palin", we say....................

BTW, Stephen Colbert had covered the Dr. Laura firestorm last week too in his own way.  ;-)

Now, Stephen followed Jon's segment up with an amazing update to Jon's segment on Monday night about Saudi prince Al-Waleed bin Talal's ties to Fox News.

Nation, I normally don't like to talk about Jon Stewart, OK?  No free rides, guy who started my career.  Well, last night I was doing a hi-def gray hair comparison, and I'm coming for you Grandpa.  And while I was doing it, I accidentally saw his report on the man funding the "Ground Zero mosque", prince Al-Waleed bin Talal, who Fox News has accused of having terror ties because he allegedly funds radical madrassas.

Now, Jon pointed out that while the terror mosque may be funded by bin Talal, he is also the second largest shareholder of none other than Fox News.  So to defeat terror, we should really stop watching Fox News!

Well played, my friend.  But there is more to this story!  Follow me down the rabbit hole to the Colbert Report Terror Bunker 5200!

Welcome to the Terror Bunker, where fear craps its pants!

All right folks, let's follow the money.  Here's the bad guy, prince Al-Waleed bin Talal.  Turns out, besides funding the terror mosque, he's also channeled money to his son, Khaled bin Al-Waleed bin Talal, who, last January, funneled that cash through a questionable online art auction, the proceeds of which went straight to an obscure Washington, D.C., charity.

Now how do I know all this?  Who tipped me off?  I did.

Because the art that bin Talal bought was... MY PORTRAIT FROM MY OLD SET, and the charity was the Yellow Ribbon Fund, which helps wounded veterans at Walter Reed and Bethesda Naval Hospital!  That makes them... terror troops!!

Think about it.  These soldiers have made multiple trips to radical Islamic countries, where they were trained in the use of the weapons and explosives.  And now they're coming home!

Now all this makes sense to me.  But why is my portrait mixed up in this?  Jimmy, go full frame.  Now zoom in, all right, yeah, further back, further back, further back, now... enhance!


If I'm a terrorist connected to bin Talal, why did they let me build my studio so close to Ground Zero?

Well, it's pretty close.  I mean, it's 5 miles.  That's less than a 10K.  I could run that for charity... a terror charity.  Folks, I have to be stopped.  Nation, I need you to come here and protest until my studio is shut down and I am taken off the air.

No wait!  That's just what I want!  I want to have no one see what I am doing.  Why else would I be on basic cable?  No, I have a better idea.  Everyone in America needs to watch my show.  Let's keep this guy in the spotlight.  In fact, let's find out what I'm going to say right over there.

(goes back to desk)

First off, I'd like to thank Khaled bin Talal for his generous contribution to the Yellow Ribbon Fund, and thank our corporate sponsor AT&T for matching his contribution.  I only have one question.  Which T stands for "terror"?

You should also check out the next segment Stephen did on privacy on the Internet.  Some hilarious stuff there, including Stephen's Photoshop of Obama praying in a mosque, since he couldn't find a real picture.

Heh.  Watch the clip to also understand what Stephen means when he refers to his "Laundry Sack".  ;-)

Originally posted to BruinKid on Wed Aug 25, 2010 at 05:18 AM PDT.

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