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Hilarious!!  Stephen Colbert did a parody of Dr. Strangelove to propose a solution to the entire mosque controversy!

Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.  And, I'll tell you who really hasn't thought about it: Sarah Palin's Facebook page.  It wrote:

"People have a constitutional right to burn a Koran if they want to, but doing so is insensitive and an unnecessary provocation - much like building a mosque at Ground Zero."

Yes!  Ground Zero is a sacred site.  How dare they build a house of worship there?  You see, it is disrespectful.  Not just to the victims of 9/11, but also to the patrons of the nearby New York Dolls Strip Club.  How do you think customers will feel, knowing that Muslims are praying just blocks away from their erections?  (aka Freedom Towers)

Video and transcript below the fold.

Folks, I am so mad at Florida pastor Terry Jones.  As you may recall, this madman threatened to burn Islam's holiest book, the Koran.  And as if that wasn't bad enough, he didn't do it.  Fortunately, we can still use Pastor Jones's example to solve our problems with the Muslim world, and it brings us to tonight's Wørd.

Mutually Assured Coercion

Now, I want to go on record as saying that the Koran is the revealed word of God given to his last prophet Mohammed, blessings and peace be upon Him.  (Ditto)  And burning it would be wrong, especially if I'm anywhere near the blast radius.  But he just threatened to burn the Koran, and threatening to burn stuff, that's just negotiating.  That's how I got such a great deal on my Audi.

Hans threw in the heated leather seats for free.  (Hans made it back on the undercoating)  You see, Pastor Jones threatened to burn the Koran only to stop the construction of the Ground Zero mosque.

TERRY JONES (9/9/2010): The American people do not want the mosque there, and of course Moslems do not want us to burn the Koran.

Exactly.  Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.  And, I'll tell you who really hasn't thought about it: Sarah Palin's Facebook page.  It wrote:

"People have a constitutional right to burn a Koran if they want to, but doing so is insensitive and an unnecessary provocation - much like building a mosque at Ground Zero."

Yes!  Ground Zero is a sacred site.  How dare they build a house of worship there?  (Could've had a Walmart!)  You see, it is disrespectful.  Not just to the victims of 9/11, but also to the patrons of the nearby New York Dolls Strip Club.

How do you think customers will feel, knowing that Muslims are praying just blocks away from their erections?  (aka Freedom Towers)

But then... stick with me... then Jones made a shocking announcement on Saturday's Today show.

JONES (9/11/2010): We will definitely not burn the Koran, no. ... Not today, not ever...

We all felt duped.  It was as if Jones had shown up with Rick Astley and sung, "Never Gonna Burn You Up".

Now it turns out, Defense Secretary Robert Gates called Jones.  I believe he called him on the phone receiver above his upper lip.

That's what it's for.  You see, Gates warned Jones that burning the Koran would endanger American troops.  And no American wants to put our soldiers in harm's way.  (Except by feeding them hot dogs)  And the thing is, folks, we were so close to a solution.  Last Thursday, Jones announced he had struck a deal with the Ground Zero mosque imam.

JONES (9/9/2010): The iman (sic) has agreed to move the mosque; we have agreed to cancel our event on Saturday.

Turns out Jones had never spoken to Imam Rauf.  Evidently, Jones conjured the agreement out of thin air.  (Like his national importance?)  And now, it turns out Rauf is going to build the mosque.  Because it's the right thing to do?  No.  Here's his major concern.

FEISAL ABDUL RAUF, ABC THIS WEEK (9/12/2010): My major concern with moving it is that the headline in the Muslim world will be Islam is under attack in America ... this will put our people -- our soldiers, our troops, our embassies, our citizens -- under attack...

But, if we do let them build this mosque, that's weak.  And tell them what would happen then, Sean.

SEAN HANNITY (9/13/2010): If we buy into this notion, that through accommodation, capitulation, that America's going to buy favor from radical jihadists, there's only one answer to this: ... to beat them, destroy them, confront them.  If you acquiesce and capitulate, you will embolden them.

Sean Hannity is so terrified, he bought a Thesaurus.  Clearly, no matter what we do, they're going to attack us.  Well thankfully, there's a solution to this existential paradox that we learned in the Cold War.  To win an unwinnable scenario, you need just one thing.  (Sarah Palin endorsement?)  You need retaliation so massive, so terrifying, so automatic, that our enemies would never dare attack us.

(in Dr. Strangelove voice)

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.

As luck would have it, I have a plan.  Now, clearly, we cannot burn the Koran, because they will attack us!  But if we do not burn it, the mosque will be built, we'll look weak, and they will attack us!  And if we make them move the mosque, then they will attack us!  But let us say, for the sake of argument...

(gets in fight with gloved hand)

... that I have buried in the desert a nuclear bomb jacketed with a thousand copies of a holy book.  Perhaps it is the Koran.  Then the bomb is connected to a gigantic complex of computers designed to detonate the bomb if and only if a ribbon is cut celebrating the opening of, let us say, a new mosque.  Then, as far as the Muslims know, one thousand Korans will have exploded because their actions caused it.  Therefore, according to the Koran, the jihadists will have to attack themselves!  It will work!  Mein Führer!!  I can walk!!!  And that's the Wørd!!!

(Vera Lynn's "We'll Meet Again" plays)

Stephen then mocked Luther Campbell (of 2 Live Crew) for railing against the mosque in an op-ed.


As for the Daily Show, Jon looked at the economic Twitter war that happened between Robert Gibbs and John Boehner along with Austin Goolsbee's depressing predictions, then how Andy Griffith has taken a huge hit in his popularity in North Carolina after being in a commercial supporting Obama's health care law, and of course you'll probably want to watch Jon's full interview with Tony Blair (part 1, part 2).

Originally posted to BruinKid on Wed Sep 15, 2010 at 04:46 AM PDT.

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