This just in: Venus flytrap stopped at Pearly Gates
Have you noticed the smell in the air? You may have thought it to be the smell of tiny particulates, generated from the burning of refined hydrocarbons, entering your bloodstream through your alveoli. Wrong! The extra warm summer days? Just the destabilizing effect of climate change on our planetary weather systems right? Wrong again! This is the odor and heat of damnation. God hates us, and we are slowly burning for our sins. It all started with Moses and those pesky tablets...
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Back in the day, god strictly defined murder as the killing of another human being for a non-righteous cause (like, and such as, prisoner executions and, like, crusades). Through heavy lobbying by PETA on behalf of all living organisms, God has recently altered the definition of murder to include the act killing of any living cellular organism by means accidental or deliberate. Until we evolve a taste for roadkill and the ability to masticate and digest rocks, dirt, fallen trees, and dead grass (a foregone conclusion due to the evolutionary pressures of eternal damnation), god will continue to hate all masticators. Conversely, photosynthesizers are now in vogue.
It is widely known that masticators are prone to further sins against god. To ensure that God only saves the pure of heart, Christine O’Donnell is leading the push a hard-line stance against lust. Because Delaware voters now agree that lust is adultery, and that masturbation is lust, God has declared masturbation adultery.
Christine O'Donnel on MTV in 1996 from Rachel Maddow
Now I know what you are thinking, you were only supposed to go blind. Well, as of today you will also burn in hell. It is probably for the better since everyone knows that masturbating adults produce masturbating adolescents, and masturbating adolescents create a large demand for toilet paper which is made by, you guessed it, murdering trees. To create a more perfect world, we must not only fully comprehend what God hates about us and why, but we must also vote for tea party republicans. Only then can we escape the clutches of damnation.
List of things God hates:
- Murder – See above
- Lust – See above above
- Eating – Meat is murder. So is vegetarianism.
- Rectal Exams – Exit only buddy. The fact that you can enter is just a heavenly purity test. Failure is for the damned
- Homosexuals – See rectal exams, lust
- Masturbation – If masturbation were natural, your hands would be lubricated. Also, see murder
- Thumbs – These were only a test. He never wanted us to use them. See masturbation
- Condoms – Even God thinks they’re unpleasant. See masturbation, murder
- Abortion – See murder
- Miscarriage – You thought God was an understanding God, but it turns out he sees the world in black and white just like you. See abortion
- Outdoor Hiking – Ever step on a worm? See murder. Ever hold a walking stick? See thumbs
- Universities – The lust for knowledge is still lust. Also, see eating, masturbation, and condoms.
What else does god hate? I don’t know, but I bet the Tea Party does. Contact your local Tea Party representative for the complete hate list. Your soul depends on it.