"Is that yourrrr wooden leg, or arrrrre you just happy to see me?" Ms. Scarlet asked.
"Now dearrrr," Professor Plum replied, "that could be adulterrrry."
"Rrrright," Plum agreed, taking her hand. "Time to walk the plank."
It could be International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Or they rrrread the mail.
More below the fold....
"Get a rrrroom," the BPI Squirrel typed on his Blewberry as they left to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, to spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum ("More wine, more truth"). The Squirrel even dressed for the day, complete with a toothpick saber and rakish eye patch, though we could not document his claim of a First Mate Fluffytail sailing with Blackbeard. Still, it did liven the staff poker game. Even Chef joined in, saying "Rrrrerrrraise" after the Professor of Astrology Janitor offered an ill-timed bluff. He immediately folded, though when he tried to mix his plaintive mewls with R-sounds, Pootie the Precious thought he was calling her. That was still enough to send Chef to the kitchen to whip up a Pirate Breakfast, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week's correspondence....
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
You liberals are hiding in the bushes and attacking me. Yes, I said masturbation was adultery because it required lust and if a man could satisfy himself, why did he need me? And I said that if a married person uses pornography or cheats, that compromises the spouse's purity. But all of that was decades ago. Why can't you leave my past alone?
Christine in DE
Dear Christine,
We suggest candidates do not get to choose which of their past statements are fair topics during elections. That is especially true when your current statements echo them. In 2003 you said you wanted to stop the entire country from having sex, and in 2006 you claimed that dancing led to date rape. While amnesia might benefit you, it does not benefit voters.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
But surely as a woman you must support me, just as I said that Sarah Palin is the epitome of a modern woman: strong, independent, and utterly feminine. I admit that I once said women should be submissive to their husbands, and that's a Biblical doctrine and God's design for the family. But now that I'm running for political office, I support women who are strong and independent, if they are utterly feminine. So I can change my views.
Christine in DE
Dear Christine,
We have no doubt you can change what you say to fit the convenience of the moment. That is a common trait in your party. For example, Mike Huckabee talked in 2008 of the importance of caring for the sick, but this week he said people with preexisting conditions should not get health insurance because that's like getting fire insurance after the house burns down. But in 2007 you called Speaker Nancy Pelosi a "false Christian," so apparently your call for women to support women only includes women whose politics you like.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Please don't bring me into a squabble with Christine in DE.
Mike in AR
Dear Mike,
We apologize. A conservative proclaiming Christian values only when they fit a conservative political agenda clearly has no relationship to your comments this week at the Value Voters Summit. We note, however, that in every instance where Christ cared for the sick, the person had a preexisting condition.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Let's get back on topic. I believe in traditional families, like the Sopranos. I also believe in absolute truth. You're either very good or evil. I wouldn't even lie if Nazis asked me if I were hiding Jews. If your principles aren't grounded in absolute truth, you don't know what to think. What's wrong with families and truth?
Christine in DE
Dear Christine,
We wonder if absolute truth includes falsely claiming in a lawsuit that an employer forced to drop courses in a graduate program, when you hadn't yet finished your undergraduate degree and had not yet been admitted into a graduate program. So you would lie to win a lawsuit, but not to protect Jews hiding in your home. As for the Sopranos, their family was hardly a model, unless you want a nation of gangsters.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
This is why bloggers are so dangerous. You don't have to answer to anybody. You can publish rumors with no accountability. I'm not going to talk to the press anymore.
Christine in DE
Dear Christine,
If by "rumors" you mean repeating your own published statements, we agree that bloggers and the press are dangerous to candidates like you. We suggest that hiding from the press, such as canceling your appearances today on CBS's Face the Nation and Fox's Sunday Morning will not erase that past. We don't need to hide in the bushes outside your office or search your home. Your skeletons are well-documented, in columns and articles you wrote and statements you made on TV. The problem you face is not our lack of accountability, but a very high-profile past that you parleyed for all it was worth at the time and now want us to forget.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Arrrrgh! And I don't mean that in the pirate sense. But as it is International Speak Like a Pirate Day, what is Chef's rrrrecipe forrrr a Pirrrrate Brrrreakfast?
Hungrrrry and Currrrious in Blogistan
Dear Hungrrrry and Currrrious,
Chef is making Walk the Plank Toast and Treasure Chest Waffles. The former is French toast, but with the bread sliced into 2-inch wide strips and with a dash of rum added to the egg and milk dip. The latter are waffles cut into 2-inch squares and made into a box, using toothpicks to join the sides. Inside each box, Chef hides a treasure of raspberries that sparkle like rubies. Finally, at each place setting she folds a napkin into the shape of a sailboat, with a pirate flag atop a toothpick at the top. Bon appétit, orrrr should we say ... shiverrrr me tastebuds!
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Sourrrrces:
Chrrrristine in DE.
Mike in ARrrr.
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Happy Sunday!
Crossposted from Blogistan Polytechnic Institute (BPICampus.com)