Satirist Jonathan Swift came to be in an awkward dream last night and dictated a sequel to his infamous Modest Proposal in which he proffered a solution to the problems of the Irish during the potato famine. The idea: we have lots of babies and no food so we’ll sell the babies as food. Problem solved.
Jon’s (he told me I could call him that) latest idea involved a practical fix to today’s 18th Century-like wealth disparity. We’ll eat rich people.
I told him he was just being silly, but he shot me such a look that I almost wet the bed a little. He’s very serious about his satire, you see. It’s was like Steven Colbert got into the meth. After giving me the simple idea, he elaborated, and I’ll recreate the dictation as close to word for word as I could remember when I awoke.
Being necessary to restore a publick [sic] trust in the machinations of neo-oligarchy, it would appear necessary and forthright to ‘cull the herd’ so to speak. In the current climate the aristocratically wealthy are abundant as though deer in a world of perpetual spring and absent all predators. The simplest way to restore the balance of nature, then, would be to allow the selective yet systematic removal of a number of that population. In assuming that duty, the clear fact remains that it would be a categorical waste to simply dispose of the animals in question. They could be used to alleviate any number of problems, many of which were directly or indirectly caused by their original abundance. Could we not have soup kitchens that served [to sustain the metaphor] venison stew?
Pertaining to a selection method, we should start with the easiest to catch. By way of example, one who owns a solid gold commode and simultaneously lobbies the governmental body for extensions of tax relief for he and his brethren, shall be braised and served with a side of slaw at the company picnic. It may be a concern, however, that any amount of barbeque sauce, as you call it, would not be enough to mask the putrid stench of greed infused within the cutlet. Practical solutions for that problem will require further thought and will arrive the next time you eat bad sushi just prior to utilizing your bedchamber.
At that the apparition disintegrated. I thought it was important enough to record for posterity, so I grabbed the computer and began to type. I’ll leave it up to you to decide what he meant by all of this.