INT: Reception area in a capitol hill Senator's office. While the receptionsit obliviously chats on the phone we see four men; professional, impeccably dressed in silk suits huddling in a corner of the office whispering furiously as they appear to be hashing out the final details to an impending showdown.
Suddenly, the receptionship speaks to the four men....
RECEPTIONIST: The senator will see you now..
As they enter the room, we see a large mahogany desk decorated with many valuable items of memorabilia indicating a long and storied past on government. The four men are unmoved and with laser focus approach the senators desk and stand before him.
SENATOR: Hello, boys. Sorry to keep you waiting. I was stuck on the phone with Frank Gaffney. He has it in his head that the mosque in Murfressboro, TN is somehow a staging ground for the usurpation of American democracy and replacing it with Sharia law!! (he laughs out loud)
The four men laugh along with him
SENATOR: Anyway...Whatever wins elections, right!!?? (He laughs even louder)
SENATOR: So what can I do for you boys, today?
LOBBYIST #1: Well, sir, first of all we would like to thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to meet with us.
SENATOR: It's my pleasure. Have a seat!!
They all sit down and conspicuously drag their chairs closer to the mahogany desk. They are inches from the senator now. The senator shrinks a bit and realizes that these men are very serious and braces himself.
SENATOR: Okay, boys. What's on your mind?
LOBBYIST#1: Well, we were wondering if you had time to look over the proposal we sent to you and all of the members of the Ways and Means committee which you Chair.
He hands the senator a two inch thick collated and impressively bound document. It drops on the senators ink blotter with a thud.
SENATOR: Well....I am a busy man as you know, so I uh...Well..Why don't you give me the short version.
The four men immediately and unanimously unclick their shiny black briefcases and riffle through pulling out reams of paper and flow charts and a large wall chart with diagrams, pie-charts, aerial maps and cost analysis spreadsheets.
SENATOR: Well you boys certainly came prepared.
LOBBYIST #1: Thank you sir. we are here to inform you and inspire you to a call for action in your home state of Tennessee that with your help, your vast experience and your intricate knowledge of the wheels of congress that will stand you in good stead with some very influential members of the Tennesse business community.
SENATOR: Go on.
LOBBYIST #2: Well, Senator, we have been hired by a vested interest in western Tennessee who has repeatedly requested at the local and state level for some small accomodations from yourself to allow free enterprise to grow, employment to double and your influence to be lauded from Memphis to Chatanooga to Nashville to--
SENATOR: Get to it boys.
LOBBYIST #1: Well, wehave been employed and represent Cyril Pickford of Spring Hill, TN who owns Pickford's Hardware and Appliances on East Main street to get a crosswalk, a speedbump and a flashing yellow light to allow for a better and SLOWER flow of prospective customers to take more notice of the incredibly well-made and inexpensive and NECESSARY items that great small businessman has upon his American shelves.
SENATOR: Hmmm. I do remember this fine gentleman. But boys, I looked into this and this congress simply don't have the funding for such a one-sided and blatant show of favoritism for ONE hardware store in Tennessee.
LOBBYIST #3: If I may interrupt you for a moment senator. ( he hands him a spreadsheet) we have run the cost analysis for this project and have even found three competing contractors who would work at very low rates, for very small wages and can have the project completed well before the holidays.
LOBBYIST #1: What about Johnson Hardware? (The men look perplexed) I know Burt Johnson. He has been a great supporter of mine for many many years, boys. You cannot expect me to just give away a speedbump and a crosswalk for one--
LOBBYIST #4: And a flashing yellow light...
The senator looks annoyed at the interruption and glares at the lobbyist
LOBBYIST #4 ...sir...Senator...sir..
THe senator moves on.
SENATOR: ..expect me to just give away a speedbump, a crosswalk AND a flashing yellow light to one small businessman and deny it to another.
LOBBYIST #1: Well, senator, we did look into that and we thought perhaps an extra parking space in front of Mr. Johsnon's store would help him feel more taken care of.
LOBBYIST #2: Yes. The cost would be minimal, sir.
He hands the senator another document. The senator looks it over.
SENATOR: A parking space, eh?
LOBBYIST #1: Metered, of course.
SENATOR: Metered? How much?
LOBBYIST #4: Well sir, we ran a survey of the surrounding area and the rates seem to be this: 25 cents for twent minutes 50 cents for forty and seventy five cents for an hour.
LOBBYIST #1: A great deal. With a maximum of one hour.
SENATOR: Obviously.
LOBBYIST #1: Yes sir.
SENATOR: Well.. Leave your information with me and I'll look it over and get back--
LOBBYIST #1: Mr. Pickford will also pledge to support you ion your upcoming re-election. To the tune of....
The senator licks his lips and his eyes glaze over with lust
LOBBYIST #1...to the tune of $250.
SENATOR: Hmm.
LOBBYIST #2 And of course he will encourage his neighboring businesses to support you as well. He has even offered to throw you a fund-raiser at his mother-in-law's home.
SENATOR: Really?
LOBBYIST #1: Absolutely sir. With Barbeque as well.
LOBBYIST #4: And keg beer!
SENATOR: (suspiciously) What KIND of beer?
The lobbyist, caught off guard, scramble to dig through their piles to find the proper document....The senator begins to get impatient.
SENATOR: Look boys...I think---
Suddenly LOBBYIST #4 yells out clutching a piece of paper in his hand
LOBBYIST #4 COORS, SIR!! COORS!!
They all stand exhausted, relieved, uncertain. They look desperately at the senator. The senator turns his chair around with his back to them staring out his view of the mall and the Wwshington monument.
SENATOR: You know something boys. I came here to Washington when you were all still in diapers. And I promised to myself, my family and my constituents to make sure that i would always...ALWAYS do my best to represent their interests...
(Patriotic music begins to play in the background)
This is America. We are all "born free", just like that Sri Lanken girly, M.I.A. says. What you have presented me with, was thorough, well-researched, and positively rife with good ol American moxy.
He suddenly swings his chair around and faces the four men.
SENATOR: Boys. I'll give you my answer.. I believe
CUT TO: Exterior Capitol Building The lobbyists are exiting the doors squniting in the bright sunlight reflecting off of the white marble that surrounds them. They are dissheveled, suits, sweaty and rumpled; a shirt tail hangs unnoticed form one man's pleated slacks. They all breathe a sigh and look at one another.
Lobbyist 31 reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cell phone and dials a number.
LOBBYIST #1: Hello? Cyril? Hi. It's David. Yeah we just got out....I know; it took longer than we expected too. So look. We managed to strike a deal. The Senator can't give you the crosswalk, the flashing red light or the speed bump. No. I'm sorry. Apparently Home Depot has plans to build a super store nearby your store. However the Senator did offer you another parking spot in front of your store...metered.
LOBBYIST #2 gives #1 a look. Lobbyist #1 realizes
LOBBYIST #1: Sorry. not right in front of your store, but down a bit. a block or two.
He listens to screaming on the phone
LOBBYSIT #1: Cyril...Cyril... Cy--
He looks ot his friends who all share a smile and a giggle
LOBBYSIT #1: CYRIL!! LISTEN!! I was joking!! Of COURSE you got what you wanted!! Oh man!! You think i would be that cruel!!??
They all laugh and pat each other on the back
LOOBYIST #1: Dude!! I'm sorry I just couldn't resist!! Yeah. YES!! You got it all!! Just like Bogey and Bacall baby!! The flashing yellow! The crosswalk!! AND the speedbump! It will all be done by end of September latest! I know! Go celebrate you bimbo!! Go on!! We'll be in touch! What? Why were you scared!?? don't be silly, dude!! Hey. This is America. Of course it all worked out! Ok. Say hello to the missus for us! Ok my brutha from anutha mutha! Talk soon.
The four lobbyists all high five each other as the theme from Laverne and Shirley bursts out and we cut to credits.....