Video and transcript below the fold.
We begin tonight with atonement. We've all done things we regret. A cross word said to a valued friend. An opportunity for charity, missed. Joining a club whose sole purpose is to capture, kill, and eat the world's most endangered species. (dreamily) Panda nuggets.
Anyway, America is no different.
LESTER HOLT (10/1/2010): There was an extraordinary apology today from President Obama for something that happened over 60 years ago.
What? Larry King's first wedding is not the President's fault! Unless... what could have America done in the '40s that was so bad we have to apologize for it now?
HOLT: The U.S. conducted secret medical experiments that involved intentionally infecting Guatemalan mental patients with sexually transmitted diseases.
Aw. So glad it wasn't the atomic bomb thing. But, Guatemalan syphilis experiment is pretty messed up. By the way, Guatemalan Syphilis Experi-mint... worst Ben & Jerry's flavor ever.
All right, we're sorry Guatemala. So, we're cool now?
ELIZABETH COHEN, CNN (10/2/2010): People in the U.S. government went down to Guatemala, and they found prostitutes who had syphilis, they just naturally had syphilis, and they arranged for them to have sex with prisoners, and with patients in mental institutions.
Hallmark has a card for everything. Here you go. Sorry.
We cool?
COHEN: And when that didn't give them syphilis, they would do abrasions on their forearms, and on the men's penises. ... When that didn't work, in a few cases, they would actually puncture their spines, and deliver the bacteria that way.
(Jon pulls out another card)
(card starts playing Nazareth's "Love Hurts")
It plays music.
Fuck. Hey, if it makes you feel any better, shit's not going so well for us either. There's been an interesting development in our military campaign overseas, after our ally in the War on Terror, Pakistan, closed one of our major border supply routes to Afghanistan. Militants magically appeared, attacking NATO convoys and setting fire to the now-trapped tankers. It's like the militants were tipped off or something, like Pakistan is playing some weird double-game, like basket-billiards,
or Scrabble-opoly,
or Backstab Your Friend Chutes and Ladders.
So Pakistan is effectively serving up our fuel convoys to Islamic militants on a platter, which is why our military is doing everything it can to avoid further such incidents.
CONTESSA BREWER (10/5/2010): The military's going green has to do with attacks on fuel convoys, an attempt to save lives and save money.
RAY MABUS, SECRETARY OF THE NAVY (4/30/2010): It's a matter of energy independence. It's a matter of our security. ... The Navy, Marine Corps will fill every mission given to them, including helping us become energy independent.
I don't know but I've been told, hybrid tanks help us grow old!
JON STEWART: For more on the story, we're joined by Senior Military Analyst, Jason Jones. Jason, ah, very interesting development that energy independence and environmental innovation are being used in the military to literally save lives.
JASON JONES: Well, what do you expect from a group of hardcore committed leftists like the U.S. military? With their bio-fuels, and solar tents, and latte helmets...
STEWART: Jason, they're just looking to equip the troops with the best available, most self-sufficient technology.
JONES: Yeah, well, back in the day, the best military technology was the stuff that had the most kaboom-boom juice in it! But now that the libs are in charge, it's all, "Hey, brah, I'm the dude that shot you. Can I, like, have my bullet back? We recycle!"
STEWART: I don't think the Army guys sound like Spicoli, Jason. I think you're misrepresenting that there's some sort of liberal agenda to our military.
JONES: Oh, really, really? Well, do you consider the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, the military?
ADM. MIKE MULLEN (2/2/2010): It is my personal belief that allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly would be the right thing to do.
JONES: I mean, c'mon! Is this the United States Army, or Wesleyan? The next thing you know, they'll have socialized medicine!
STEWART: Actually, the government already provides universal health care for members of the military and veterans. So....
JONES: Oh, Christ! Why don't we just pay for them to go to school? Jeez.
STEWART: They serve the country, so the G.I. Bill actually does....
JONES: Ah, gawd! Must be nice, live overseas while Uncle Sam pays you to build schools for Muslims?
STEWART: Wait... Jason, it's not that simple. We have to win hearts and minds. It's going to take some outreach to the Muslim world.
JONES: Muslim outreach? You sound like one of these hippie generals! You know what they're painting on the side of bombs these days?
STEWART: The names of their girlfriends, I think is traditional? I think that's....
JONES: Girlfriends? Jon, they're all gay, weren't you listening? Naw, naw, naw, they're probably writing stuff like this.
JONES: So free health care, gays, green technology. You're saying the only way to keep our freedoms in the free market is to turn our defenders into socialists?
STEWART: Well, no, I mean, the Army's always been on the cutting edge of social change. If you go back, it was actually one of the first institutions to integrate.
JONES: Oh my God, yeah, you're right. The Army has always been shoving its left-wing extremism down America's throats. In fact, if you go back to 1776, you can see a clear anti-colonialist philosophy.
STEWART: You mean the Revolutionary War?
JONES: Yes! Straight out of the Saul Alinsky playbook! The military doesn't even look like regular Americans, all in shape and muscle-y. We need an Armed Forces that reflects mainstream America.
STEWART: No, Jason, this is what we need for our military to be an elite fighting force.
JONES: Ah, so you admit it, they are elitists!
STEWART: All right, that's it! Jason Jones, everybody, we'll be right back.