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I am a comedian and writer living in New York City. Every week i submit as a free-lance comedy writer to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update. Every week tey reject a bunch of my jokes. So i share them here with you for free. I try to steer clear of politics in most of the jokes, but thay are all topcical. Enjoy.
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This week marks the 50th anniversary of the Flintstones. What Creationists refer to as "the first reality show."

A man in Montana, who was convicted of attacked a woman, has been sentenced to spending December 15th to January 1st in jail for each of the next five years. That’s one way to avoid the holiday season.

It was revealed Wednesday that Howard Stern’s studio in New York City was infested with bedbugs last week. A this comes as a surprise to almost no one.

An 85 year-old woman in Connecticut is getting married next week for the first time to a man she started dating 3 months ago. So you figure either way it won’t last.

It was announced Wednesday that Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi will write a book called "A Shore Thing," based on her experiences on the reality show "The Jersey Shore."
It’s a double meaning title thing, you get it? I’m a slut!

Police in Florida say a man, who was dressed as Elmo was attacked this past weekend at a music store. Passersby would have helped but joined in instead, thinking it was the introduction of this holiday season’s hottest toy "Pummel me Elmo"

The American Acadamy of Pediatricians on Monday suggested that Erectile Dysfunction drug ads not be shown on TV until after 10 at night. But that won’t work because everyone who needs that drug is already asleep at 930.

A company called Astronauts4Hire has developed what they say is the first beer that can be consumed in space. Yeah, cause that’s what they need in space, impaired judgement.

Because of budget cuts, the town of Jeannette, Pennsylvania has been forced to lay off one of their police dogs. Now he wakes up at noon and just mopes around the park all day

While speaking at a State Department conference this week, Henry Kissinger said that he is convinced that "most of what went wrong in Vietnam we did to ourselves."  We?  Um I think most of it was done by you.

Originally posted to the mighty quip on Fri Oct 08, 2010 at 08:08 AM PDT.

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