Esby here, and I'm afraid I'm in a bit of a pickle. I was at Coles Coin Op in Anchorage about to wash some doilies and other elitist washables, when in walks Joe Miller. He proceeds to stuff a black bearskin rug into washer #17, which everyone knows you can get all your quarters back if you pull back on the coin slide quickly. He barely jams the door closed, there's bear hair everywhere, and he grabs his quarters and leaves. I'm stuck with good old #13, which makes everything washed in it smell like walrus.
About this time, I see an ad in the Wasilla Snowbound for seasoned reporters. There's a siding scale payout of course, so "Boxers or briefs?" gets you $7.50, while "Do you own a black bear bladder?" gets you $22. So I thought I'd ask about the bearskin rug, make some laundry money and have some left over for Ms. Pacman.
Miller comes back in with these big linebacker guys and throws the rug out of the washer, but the head and teeth get caught in the beehive of Mrs. Finkel, who lives down in Rabbit Creek. I shout out "BOXERS OR BRIEFS!" because I forgot my question and before you know it I'm handcuffed sitting in a puddle of Downy. I'm texting this to you behind my back, so excuse the typos and whatnot.
I wasn't able to get a quote from him, so these will have to do.
We stood by her. We appeared in court on her behalf and, when she was able to obtain the right to work in the United States legally, we rehired her. That's how you treat someone who is "like a member of the family."
—Los Altos resident Shawn Lampron, who, unlike Meg Whitman, helped her nanny when she found out she was in the United States illegally.
You can't buy character on eBay.
I imagine that Sharron Angle will fail to spontaneously combust, and thus be declared a surprise winner on points of her debate with Harry Reid.
—Dave Weigel, on the low expectations of Tea Party candidates.
Not too far off.
Because we did not know the truth, we have made incorrect statements over the last eight days, and we regret doing so.
—NRSC statement put out about the casting call for an ad calling for people that look like "hicks" that ran against Senatorial candidate Joe Manchin (D, WV).
Just eight days?
I've got Sean Hannity in my back pocket, and I can go on his show and raise money by attacking you guys.
—Senatorial candidate Christine O'Donnell (R, DE), at a conservative strategy meeting.
I will say it: there is no shame with this woman.
We’ve had a wonderful experience in Nashville. We’ve encountered nothing but goodness from our neighbors in Nashville and Middle Tennessee for the past 30 years.
—Rashed Fakhruddin, director of education at the Islamic Center of Nashville. A new poll showed that the majority of Tennesseans supported the mosque.
Technical violation, perhaps. But what are mere technical violations of voting laws to the Obama administration!
—Tom Fitton, President of Judicial Watch, a conservative, non-partisan, public interest group that investigates and prosecutes government corruption, on Michelle Obama's supposed violation of voting laws.
What the hell is "conservative non-partisan"?
It's easy to knock the press for over-covering O'Donnell, but it's happening in part because plenty of conservatives still think they can get her into the Senate if they clap hard enough.
—Dave Weigel
I appreciate a good Tinkerbell joke.
That’s sort of the rugged individualist spirit of Alaska. You grow up, you fish, you hunt, you don’t depend on the government for much.
—Sean Hannity on Sarah Palin
You don't depend on the government for much except for the Alaska Permanent Fund, which Sarah Palin has been receiving since 1982.
For 30 years. I covered Ronald Reagan in 1980 when he talked about it. There isn't that kind of money in waste, fraud, and inefficiency.
—Chris Wallace, to Senate candidate Carly Fiorina (R, CA) on Fox News Sunday.
Chris Wallace, you know that's a gotcha question. Watch out Fox News, you lamestream media you!
You grow government because as people have more money, they spend the money, and government grows. When we put people back to work, the government grows, we increase revenue, and we decrease unemployment benefits.
—Senatorial candidate Ken Buck (R, Co), who meant to say economy instead of government on Meet the Press every time and missed.
Is there a three gaffes and you're out law?
Barbara Boxer is the most bitterly partisan, most anti-defense Senator in the United States Senate today. I know that because I've had the unpleasant experience of having to serve with her.
—Sen. John McCain (R, AZ)
MCCAIN! You have a way with the ladies.
I'm not really preparing. I'm working out, doing my nails, doing my hair.
—New York Gubernatorial candidate Kristin Davis, the "Manhattan Madam" on her debate prep.
With a regimen that look like that, why is the Tea Party not calling?
There are certain candidates who just want to turn this around and act like it's the media causing the problem. That has always been there, that element. It is just more ramped up this political cycle.
—Alaska Dispatch editor Tony Hopfinger, who was handcuffed and detained by Joe Miller's security when he tried to ask Miller about his past employment with Fairbanks Northstar Borough.
It is life and death for some entrenched powers in Alaska and the incident involving Joe Miller’s security and a website editor is probably making their day. Reading some of the accounts of it, I truly don’t envy Miller.
—The Corner's Kathryn Jean Lopez
Lopez was pissed because her glowing softball interview with Miller came out the day after the handcuff incident.
@JoeWMiller -in case you were unaware, the Constitution also applies to reporters.
—Senatorial candidate Scott McAdams (D, AK)
I looked over my shoulder and there was my opponent taking my leftovers.
Christine O'Donnell after her Delaware debate with Chris Coons, when all the reporters flocked around her.
Because the media loves you, darling. You're a star.
Quote the Ravin', a weekly roundup of quotes from around the internets, comes out every Tuesday around lunchtime.