Let me go on record as saying I find no fault with a man crying -- even the head of a political party that made the words "MAN UP!" famous over the past couple weeks. And really, weren't we ALL a little bit moist-eyed at the thought of John Boehner being the new Speaker of the House.
So here, with apologies to David Letterman's writers and in-no-way-affiliated with the creative minds at "World Wide Pants," THE TOP 10 REASONS JOHN BOEHNER GOT WEEPY AT LAST NIGHT'S PRESS CONFERENCE.
- Dreads the moment every new speaker faces when the outgoing speaker whacks him on the noggin with the gavel.
- He suddenly saw the faces of all the people he had to murder in his rise to power.
- Just handed a note that the hotel bar was out of Maker's Mark.
- Thought for a moment that, as Speaker, he'd have to accomplish something. Recalled which party he belongs to. Felt better.
- Remembered all the kids in high school who used to pronounce his last name "Boner" before pushing him out of the locker room naked.
- A drop of sweat made some of that orange crap he sprays on his skin run into his eyes.
- As Speaker, it will be his job to keep GOP congressmen from molesting House Pages.
- He realized just how much he's going to miss those daily UFO briefings from Rand Paul now that he's in the Senate.
- Do you know how many puppies a Republican Speaker of the House is required to eat? A LOT! THAT's how many!
And the Number 1 Reason John Boehner got weepy during last night's press conference?
- He was blind, stinkin' drunk.
Thank you. Tip your waitress. Try the veal.