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Dear Dino,

I promised to write you once your fate was sealed for the third straight time.  I promised to use some really bad words, but you know what?  I think you've already been beaten down enough.  

I'm not going to call you names.  I'm not going to try to hurt your feelings.  Instead, I think I'll just reminisce on the special times we've had together.  

It's been a great three campaign run for you. I wonder if your supporters will be willing to continue ponying up the money for you run against some more of our fabulous female representatives in government?  

I remember when you were just a kid!  You were right out of the state legislature.  It's not really that big of a deal if you never really hit it big.  Some nice people are in the state legislature.  Some people just aren't quite cut out for the big time.  

Remember when you lost the first time to Chris Gregoire!  Those were the days!  It was so fun to hear the Republicans complaining so bitterly about voter fraud!  Up until then, it seemed like it was the Democrats who had any reason to complain about it.  

I could see why you would be disappointed!  You were winning, but then after the votes were counted, you were only winning by 42 votes!  

Also!  Remember when the judge through out those 4 votes because of the sworn statements that they were from felons who voted for you!?  Good times.  Everybody was having good times.  

One of the things I learned during that election is that one of the families at my kid's school were active Republican Party members.  That might not seem like a big deal to you, because, well... you know, you're a Republican.  But it's really hard to find a Republican around here.  This guy even had his name and picture in the paper!  

The other thing I learned is that you lost.  That must have sucked for you.  You were going to win!  You had it sewn up!  Unfortunately, your attempt to litigate (Can you say Trial Lawyers!)  the case left you bleeding in the dirt at the feet of the new governor.  

And then you moseyed off for a while to take advantage of your new connections.  It must have been awesome.  I'm sure you didn't lack at all for new business partners.  

The main problem for you though is that you really lack.  I know that's not very specific, but take it for what it's worth.  

It's nothing personal.  

The thing is you kind of remind of third tier metal bands from the 80's.  Maybe you've never heard of them, but there were these sorts of tiers of quality and popularity for metal bands back in the spandex days.  You're like Dokken, or Keel, or maybe like Autograph or something.  

You always seem to be just a step off of what you need to do to get elected.  You intentionally stayed bland, because you knew that the Washington governor candidates from Republicans are actually proud of being nuts.  

In 2008, you just lost.  You got beat, and that's really all there was to it.  Maybe Obama helped Governor Gregoire.  Maybe that blue wave took you out.  Oh well. It must suck to have such poor luck to run in a year when the Democrats were ascendant.  

The thing about losing in 2008 is that you probably should have quit after the first one, but you thought you could do it.  You were so close the year before...  (You probably do it mostly for the campaign cash, but I'm not talking if you aren't.)  

You had sports fans votes that year.  You said that you could have a stadium deal approved in a second for the Sonics.  

That was interesting, because then the next cycle, you tried to morph into a Tballer and tried to run against earmarks.  Thing is, Washingtonians are smart enough to know that Patty Murray has brought home some good return on our federal investment in taxes. Voters weren't going to shoot themselves in the foot for a 2 time loser.  

And then comes 2010.  You should have had this thing locked up!  How could you not win in this Media inspired majority takeover!?  You totally let your boys in the party down!  They were counting on you to win!  

I mean, geez!  You had the whole John McCain package of fake populism going on!  No Earmarks!  Cut taxes!  You had outside groups and the Republican party making commercials narrated by gravelly voiced actors, they were filmed in a shadowy manner!  A shadowy manner for Christ's sake!  How could you not win by making a fear inducing video about your opponent's career politician reputation?  You had them filmed in dimly lit setting!  It was fucking shadowy, man!  And still you lost.  

You lost by just about as much as you did in 2008!  Your record is getting worse.  

It's like when Manut Bol started shooting threes.

In basketball, it's usually a good sign when the other team's big guy decides to take a wild three pointer early in the game.  It's good if he makes it, because after that he's gonna be trying to shoot that shot all game long.  He's not going to get lucky any more, though.  It's usually a one time thing.

You nearly got lucky in that first election against Governor Gregoire.  You feel like you made the shot, but had the basket waved off on a technicality.  And like any good gambler, close to winning is good enough to encourage you to keep trying.  

Really, I can understand how you might feel like you were robbed.
To quote Henry Sherman from The Royal Tenenbaums:  "I don't think you're an asshole, you're just kind of a sonuvabitch."

Thanks for all the good times.  


PS- I heard it suggested that it might be a good idea for you to run for the office of "King of Eastern Washington." That way you can tell all the farmers that you will get to work at cutting their subsidies!  The first person you can cut would be Clint Didier.  

Originally posted to otto on Mon Nov 08, 2010 at 01:40 PM PST.

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