Seeing as Opt-Out Day is coming up, and seeing as there are presumably going to be some very long lines at the airport (it being the day before Thanksgiving, and the airports are already overloaded with passengers), I wish to present for your enjoyment a list of some songs that may be both topical and appropriate song lyrics that you might consider singing while in line to pass the time. Consider it a starting point, if nothing else, and I would like to encourage other additions if it strikes your fancy.
The songs are all based on existing ones: I can't make a tune to save my life, so this will be a bit more "Capitol Steps" than Tom Lehrer in method. A fair warning: Irving Berlin I am not, and I must give help to the friends who helped me put this together...and remember: They can scan you, they can "frisk" you, but I don't think singing in the airport is illegal yet.
1) To "Jingle Bells"
Dashing to the gate,
With two hours to go,
Thought I'd make my flight,
But how was I to know?
Taking off my shoes,
pretending it's all fine
Then suddenly the gloves went on
And a chill went down my spine!
Refrain:
TSA, TSA/
Please don't touch me there
I don't know but I've been told/
that terrorists don't care.
TSA, TSA/
I've got nothing to hide
Can't you make my flight safe/
Without taking all my pride
Met a well dressed man/
He pointed to a machine
And said that it would/
Take pictures of my spleen!
When I stuttered no/
He took me on a trip
And soon began enjoying/
What they pay for on the Strip!
(Refrain)
Any pics of you,
Trust us, we don't keep
Do you think I am
Some voyeuristic creep?
I never ever see them
Big John sees all the sights
He uses them to draft material
For Cinemax late nights
(Refrain)
2) To "America the Beautiful"
O beautiful for lengthy queues
For clear security
For solemn strangers who peruse
That none else ought to see
America, America
Machines look over thee
And frisk each man with probing hands
From head to shoeless toes
O beautiful for passengers
Harassed across the lands
For scans that spot no saboteurs
And stay no evil hand
America, America
We've violated thee
Thine principles we've laid aside
For government's decree
3) To White Christmas
I'm dreaming of a nice frisking
To travel anywhere I go
Where leering eyes
And twisted minds
See things things they shouldn't know
I'm dreaming of a nice frisking
To feel the gloves upon my skin
A bureaucrats affection
In the name of protection
I don't know where to begin
I'm dreaming of a nice frisking
To board the plane bound for my home
I hope the government
Will get my sentiment
The next time I can vote