(Apologies to the memory of Kurt Cobain for the title)
So, I'm in Belarus and the government won't let me leave the country. I missed my flight yesterday and have no idea when and how I will make it home. This would be ample reason for me not to worry about the potential scans pat-down should I reach Chicago, but I have a much better reason for embracing our new pervy overlords: Ann Coulter and Charles Krauthammer and all the douche-bags who demanded a police state hate it.
Of course, Charles and Ann would be OK with all of this if it only happened to the swarthy or improperly-faithed. What Ann Coulter can't seem to grasp with her diseased brain is that if people who look like her can sail through security, then the next bomber will look like her.
Recently a Chinese dissident made onto a plane disguised as an old white guy; only his youthful hands gave away the ruse. Similarly, a blond wig and some make-up could make an "obvious terrorist" into an "obvious Fox News pundit." Perhaps we'll get lucky and some clever security person will notice something awry, like if "she" has a prominent Adam's apple — oh sorry Ann, I forgot.
I'm not happy with the new procedures, but Ann should be. She fomented for these. I want her to enjoy the America that she helped create!
So, TSA go ahead and grope me, as long as you grope Ann Coulter. Go ahead and get a picture of my paunchy middle-aged body, as long Bill O'Reilly's sagging testicles also appear on that very screen. In fact, if the TSA wants to stick a finger up my butt-hole, I'll endure that as well, as long as they still a finger up Sean Hannity's butt-hole.
In fact, why wait? These people are frequent fliers. The TSA should go to their homes right now and search them. Then, maybe they could keep the under observation until their flights — y'know, to make sure they don't contact and of the domestic terrorists the pal around with on Fox News.
Today, I get to deal with a bureaucracy in a country that still has a Supreme Soviet. I don't know what's in store, but I know it won't involve my penis in any way. But as I sit and wait for endless paperwork to be processed, I will be imagining Glenn Beck standing in a full-body scanner while a TSA agent laughs and exclaims, "Hey, check this out! It's like a penis — only smaller!"
UPDATE: My sincere apologies for not saying anything about Cenk Urgur in this post. So... um... Cenk is a very popular Turkish name. It's for Cenkiz (pr. Jengeez more or less). It's the Turkish version of Genghis, as in Genghis Khan who is a heroic figure in Turkish culture. Khan created a writing system for the Mongol empire known as Uygur. Coincidence? You tell me.