We had our apartment complex winterized for the season and part of that was having the fireplace inspected. The flue was jammed and I wanted it to be looked at by a professional because it is an apartment and I do have the tendency to break things if I try and apply my level of elbow grease. After some quick sharp jabs on the lever the fireplace guy had the flue open in a jiffy. Of course I was chagrined. Apparently getting the flue open was the least of my problems.
You know things are not going well when the only thing you can say about the situation is, “where’s the fucking brandy?”
The fireplace guy looked at the flue with a flashlight and deemed it to be in working order, just a might stubborn. I was thrilled, we could finally break out the firewood and have a nice cozy fire to ward off the ravages of the damp Portland, Oregon winters.
Evening came. There was a hearty vegetable stew in the crockpot, and I had a good book to keep me occupied while we watched a movie from the library. It was chilly and windy and the fireplace had just received an A-okay to begin operations.
So I thought.
So, in good order I brought out a plethora of wood pieces in various sizes and some newspaper and an old burned out candle for efficient starting. I piled the wood as I learned in my two summers as a counselor at a Girl Scout camp atop the newspaper with wax shavings twisted in them.
This I lit. Up to this point the cats were fascinated and were quite keen on discovering what I was up to with the wood they had inspected in the shed, and why was it in the house?, and now in the little cubby they go searching for spiders in? As the fire grew at first the cats were fascinated.
And then the smoke alarm went off.
And they looked for someplace they could watch the fire and still feel safe from the screech of the fire alarm.
My eyes burning, I pushed the reset button on the alarm and returned to the fireplace to monitor the fire’s progress and estimate the level of smoke either not rising out the flue or being blown back in by the winds wrestling for superiority off Mt Hood, the Pacific Ocean, and the Columbia River. No matter the direction the heavy capricious winds blew the smoke back down the flue filling the apartment with smoke and eventually setting off one of the three fire alarms in the apartment.
Every few moments one of the three alarms went off, sometimes in tandem. As the ceiling is out of my daughters reach it was my job to go from room to room and press the reset button. It got to the point where I could no longer return to the living room but instead went from room to room to quiet the squeal of the alarms.
Obviously something wasn’t working.
We decided to open the window to the living room and the sliding glass door in the dining room.
So much for the warmth generation portion of our fire.
It did not help.
The fire alarms kept going off at regular intervals. I shut the doors to the bedrooms and hoped I would be able to manage the one in the hall without too much interruption of my reading. Except my eyes were burning and watery and trying too look through the smoke to the pages became impossible.
I couldn’t find the cats, as they were no longer confident in my ability to maintain order in the apartment, with not only a fire but also the screeching coming from the discs in the ceilings.
They were in hiding.
We tried opening one of the windows in one of the bedrooms to create a cross draft but that seemed to anger the smoke alarms even more, now they were constantly going off. In despair we closed the window in the bedroom and tried to use the ceiling fan in the dining room to clear the air, literally. It did not work, the siren call of the hallway smoke alarm finally brought me to extreme measures.
I took it down and held it in my lap as I watched a movie to keep it quiet, reading was impossible. That worked for a few minutes and then it began the electronic trill signifying urgent action. I decided it would be more comfortable on the balcony outside.
This whole time the fire blazed merrily in it’s cradle.
But no matter the heat generated the smoke filled the apartment. I tried opening the front door now to encourage a cross draft that the smoke alarms would be immune from. And it worked, for a few moments, and then I heard the now familiar ring.
But, from where?
The balcony.
The alarm I decided to isolate outside had determined that there was too much smoke on the balcony as well. Eyes now watering constantly, I directed my daughter to put the thing in the refrigerator to isolate it from the ever-present smoke. Within moments a muffed but clear beeping began emanating from the refrigerator. I asked my daughter to reset it.
My determination waned. I had to do something. My cats were in hiding. We could no longer keep our eyes open without tearing up. And breathing was now becoming difficult. And the alarms would continue their howling.
This was not working.
I took my daughter’s plant watering spray bottle and began wetting the wood where ash was apparent and working my way up to the flaming portion of the wood. In hopes the open flames would continue bringing the smoke up the flue due to heat convection.
In short order the fire was dead.
I again opened the front door hoping the fickle winds would clear out the smoky den that was now our home. In a few minutes I became too cold to keep the door open.
My daughter emerged from the bathroom where she tried to hide from the acrid air utilizing the bathroom fan.
All I could say was, “where is the fucking brandy?”
Afterwards:
The cats have come out of hiding, but now the fireplace is watched constantly with an air of suspicion and trepidation,
The smoke is gone but the stench still lingers, I wonder how long it will take to go away,
The smoke alarms are now back in place after spending a trial period on the counter to verify it would not begin its cries of urgency.
The apartment is colder than it was before the fire because we had to leave the doors and windows hanging open to get rid of the smoke.
Our eyes still burn but that will only last for a day or so.
Is anyone interested in some good firewood in the Portland, Oregon area?
I no longer have a need for it.