(freshrant.com) In a hastily called meeting, top network executives decided to "stick with snake stories" to promote fear and loathing among the American public.
A top Fox News executive said the TSA "Don't Touch My Junk" story was "pure gold in its combined lack of news content and in its ability to promote anger and free-floating anxiety among viewers. I mean, what man wants a stranger wearing rubber gloves rearranging his crotch rocket, even if it's never going to happen?"
A CNN vice president in charge of programming said off the record, "I think all of us in cable news were looking for another topic that we could drag on ad nauseum that would promote that same sustained level of fear and anxiety affecting less than .1% of the U.S. population. So we all agreed on some old National Geographic footage of a flying snake we found on YouTube and Presto! We got ourselves another week when we don't have to spend whole chunks of time reporting news."
When asked if top news network executives get together often to decide what they will report on next, they said they normally don't have to meet. They just watch each others' broadcasts so they know what news to report.
An MSNBC executive responded, "We got a good week out of the TSA story. It sucked people right into a perfect storm of outrage that led up to the busiest travel day of the year. But now that everyone went to the airport and they found nothing to fear, we felt we had to hold an emergency meeting to find another story with sufficient 'F/A or fear/anger quotient' leading into the long holiday weekend.
A Fox News executive added, "But we all agreed to hold the snake story in case a shopper gets trampled to death trying to squeeze through the doors of a Target or Wal-Mart. Hope beats eternal."