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America’s last employee, Rita Bobo, was fired today from her dog groomer job at Poodle Palace. The unemployment rate of the United States is now officially 100%. Lower Manhattan emergency rooms were flooded with eye injuries from flying champagne corks as the Dow gained 2000 points in one day.

"This is the shot in the arm that American business needs" says Toby Greely, stock analyst for Shearing, Shearing and More Shearing.

"How can American businesses compete if we have to hire workers? And why should we hire people when the streets and prisons are full of people doing nothing but mooching off the government?" asks Greely, shaking his head.

Juanita Rice, owner of Poodle Palace, reports that she received intense pressure from the US Chamber of Commerce to fire Rita. "I didn’t want to fire Rita. She was a good employee and customers liked her. But in the end, Tom Withers of the Chamber convinced me that it had to be done for the good of the country."

"Sure it makes perfect business sense for Poodle Palace to keep Rita and perhaps even hire another groomer to keep up with expanding demand but  we were able to convince Ms Rice to do the right thing." Says Tom Withers.

Sitting in his opulent mahogany paneled office, Mr. Withers was ebullient about the prospects for American business. "This is largely symbolic, but it means so much. The real breakthrough came in December 2010 when we jumped the unemployment rate from 9.6 to 10.5 percent while cutting off the benefits that the workers had paid for." He says while displaying his perfect white teeth in a grin of satisfaction.

"That sent workers a clear message. It doesn’t matter who you vote for, or what you do, you are going to get screwed". Tom laughs, and then gets serious, "You know the war against American workers had to be fought on many fronts. Holding on to capital, firing people, tax breaks for outsourcing, freezing Federal worker wages, defunding OSHA, the list goes on and on. It took a concerted effort along with a lot of persistence and patience. And of course, the results speak for themselves."

Tom goes on to explain how "Getting rid of Social Security proved to be politically impossible. Hey, there are 99 ways to pluck a chicken and we know them all. We couldn't get rid of it through Congress so we defunded it by firing everyone in the US and turning them into private contractors. And contractors have no rights at all! We also changed the tax code so it is illegal for them to pay into Social Security even if they want to. This is how we were able to eliminate Social Security for millions of seniors. We screwed workers and seniors with one ingenious policy. That means more profits for American business which of course is our only goal."

President Palin could not be reached for comment. Her motorcade is stranded in western Missouri where she is attending a book signing for her sixteenth publication, "There Is Nothing Left to Say, So Shut Up!" The only remaining bridge across the Mississippi collapsed Monday. Air Force one was repossessed two months ago and Verizon cut off Presidential cell phone service last week.

Originally posted to Bubbatoby on Sun Dec 05, 2010 at 06:08 AM PST.

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