"I will know deep in my heart
the only dream that mattered had come true:
In this life I was loved by you."
In This Life sung by Bette Midler
In December 2002, Karen and I celebrated our greatest joy, our Holy Union Ceremony. Before we attended our first Mass at that Chapel, Karen said she wished we could get married at a Mass. On December 8, her wish came true, to some extent. Although we were not able to get married in the legal sense of the word, we did have our Holy Union Ceremony on the Feast of The Immaculate Conception during a Mass. We had two con celebrants. Victor was a former priest; Carl was on a leave of absence. I had seen Carl shortly after we started attending Mass. I recognized him but was not sure where or how I knew him. As soon as he introduced himself, I remembered that I had gone to confession one year on Good Friday, and he was the priest hearing confessions that day. His presence and participation at our ceremony meant a great deal to both of us. There was something innately holy about him.
We decided not to use the wedding bands we already had. Karen had seen rings with rainbow-colored stones at a store and thought those would be more appropriate. Unfortunately, I ended up not being able to wear my ring after the ceremony so we wore the gold bands. The guys decorated the Chapel and a small hall for the reception. One videotaped the ceremony; another took pictures. I had asked two of my friends, Regina and Roberta, to be our witnesses. I had known them for about ten years. I met Regina when we both worked for the same check-cashing company. Roberta and I had lived in the same building. My mother not only attended our ceremony, but also walked me down the aisle. She, along with Roberta and Regina, were the only ones there who were not gay. None of them felt the slightest bit uncomfortable.
The ceremony was wonderful. We lit two small rainbow candles shortly after the Mass began. After we said our vows, we each took one of those candles and together we lit a larger rainbow candle. The candle lighting was Karen’s idea. She had seen that done at someone’s wedding and liked the idea of lighting a candle to symbolize our unity. Karen had tears in her eyes throughout much of the ceremony, especially as we exchanged rings and said our vows. Her voice trembled a bit whenever she spoke. We had not written anything thing to say and spoke from our hearts.
Karen was so nervous that she said, “Pat, take this ring as a symbol of my love and affection for you. And I promise to always be truthful to you.” She meant to say that she would always be true to me. We laughed about that whenever we watched the video.
I said, “Karen take this ring as a symbol of my love for you and like a circle it will never end.”
On Sunday, March 20, just ten days after Karen's death, I rode a bus to the terminal, then another the bus part way and walked the rest of the way to the chapel where Karen and I had our Holy Union Ceremony. Father Carl was saying Mass. He had called me the day after Karen died. Father Bill had called him. He had returned to the priesthood and was assigned to a Church quite a distance from where I live. He could not attend the Mass I was having because he had to say Mass at his Church that morning. He told me that he would be saying the Mass at the chapel for the wife of a friend and would also say it for Karen. He asked me to bring up the gifts with his friend if I was able to be at the Mass.
Going back to that chapel without Karen was very difficult. It was the place where we celebrated our greatest joy, our Holy Union Ceremony. I stayed outside and talked to Karen. I told her how much I loved her and wished she were there with me. I was unable to walk in through a door she and I had walked through many times. Then I saw Father Carl. He walked over and hugged me. I could not stop the tears from falling. He said, “I know it sounds corny, but it really is better to have loved, even for a short time, than to never have had that love in your life.”
I knew he was right. Knowing, however, did not ease the pain of being there without Karen for the first time. I finally went inside and sat down in one of the last rows. Father Bill was at the Mass and sat next to me. Although I tried to stay focused on the Mass, my thoughts wandered back to the night of our Holy Union Ceremony. Karen and I standing at the altar … Karen crying throughout much of the ceremony and me wiping her tears ... saying our vows and exchanging rings. We were so happy that night. I never expected to be there without her a little more than three years later because she died. I struggled to keep my composure and, at times, came very close to crying. But I was able to hold back the tears. I never went to another Mass at that Chapel. Lack of transportation, work and the difficulty of being there without Karen kept me away.
I went to Mass on December 6, 2006. The first anniversary without Karen. Pam, whom I had met at Denny's where I work, went with me. I had not been to Mass since the Memorial Mass I had for Karen after her death. I thought I might cry because Karen and I had gone to Mass at the same Church the year before, but I remember not feeling much of anything at all. That was the last time i went to mass on our anniversary because I've worked every year.
Three days ago, on Sunday, December 5, I did, finally, go again to a Dignity sponsored Mass that was being held at Holy Angels Catholic Community. Father Andrew, who was con-celebrant when I made my Profession of Vows at Holy Angels, is now involved with Dignity. He was at the Mass and sat with me. There were six people at that Mass who were at Karen and my Holy Union ceremony, including the photographer and videographer. Being there was bitter-sweet and perhaps a little easier because it was not in the same Chapel were Karen and I had our ceremony. Father Bill was not there and that seemed odd because he had been at all the Dignity Masses Karen and I attended. After the Mass was over, I asked to speak. I talked about the Holy Union Ceremony and how much it meant to Karen and I, how we were welcomed and cared for by the wonderful men who attended Mass. As I left, I knew going to that Mass had been the right thing for me to do.
Tonight, my Mom, Regina and Pam will be with me at Father' Bill's home for a Mass. Father Bill was not ordained at the time of Karen and my Holy Union Ceremony, but he was part of the ceremony as was Regina and my Mom. This will be the first Mass I have been at on our anniversary since December 8, 2006.