August 20, 2012, Barak Obama stunned the world today by accepting the Republican nomination for President two weeks after he accepted the Democratic nomination. Obama is the first candidate to gain the nomination of both parties in the same election.
We checked in with Rahm Emmanuel, "triangulation, shangulation! Our man just went 3D on our ass. He doesn’t need to triangulate because he just went from planar to polyhedral. He just invented a new dimension in politics."
Tom Withers, president of the US Chamber of Commerce couldn’t be happier. "Look, we spend a lot of money on these elections. With Obama in the White House, all we have to do is elect forty one Republican Senators and then we get whatever we want from this guy."
"You run candidates in empty, rural states that represent maybe 12% of the US population. It’s real easy to get a Republican elected in these places. And what do we get? Heck, everything we want. Those forty one senators get Obama to block everything we don’t want like single payer, public option, higher taxes for important people like me and he gives us everything we want: wars, wage freezes, bailouts and he even yells at Democrats for us! . It’s almost too easy."
Withers presses his fingers together in steeple fashion and says contemplatively. "I know Republicans were expecting us to help them gain a majority. But why spend the money it takes to have a majority when you don’t need one? Hell did these jack ass senatorial candidates really think that downsizing wouldn’t affect them?"
Withers chuckles, "I guess they thought it would end when all of the American workers were fired? Withers stands up, walks around his desk then sits on the front of the desk and points to a bust of Ronald Reagan.
"You know Reagan was a great man but we can never forgive him for increasing Social Security taxes and saving that piece of crap government program. It was like manna from heaven when Obama lowered the Social Security tax and put that socialist, commie, piece of crap program on the road to oblivion."
His head shaking, Withers goes on. "The least we could do is give him the nomination. You know the smartest thing we ever did was label Social Security an ‘entitlement’. Now everyone looks at it as a handout instead of something they spent their entire lives paying for."
Tom slowly looks up at the ceiling and then down at his chest and murmurs. "Sarah won the primaries and was ready to campaign for herself but when we explained to her what she would have to do for $400,000 per year she said ‘ooooh you can’t be serious’. So we bought her out at a pretty good price and put our guy in there. Now I talked to President Obama on the phone this morning and he wants to make it clear that Americans have a choice. If you vote for him as a Republican, he will golf with Boehner twice a week, if you vote for him as a Democrat, only once a week. But either way he will continue to sneer at progressives."