Wow, is all I can say! It has been a very long time coming. I couldn't ask for a better end to the most difficult decade of my life. I'll spare you every detail of my tribulations and in exchange I ask you to remember only two things. For those of you who are struggling never give up believing that life will be better. For those of you who have more than you need, give. Your time, your money or even just words of encouragement to someone who is down.
My story begins a decade ago with quitting my job and starting my own business because I needed the flexibility to care for a very sick parent. It ends with an HIV infection diagnosis in 1999 and near homelessness in 2010. I could go on to recount every mistake that brought me to that point but I said I would spare you the details. I'd rather tell you how it all changed.
It was last March. I had just put the key in the ignition of my truck and wham! the reality of my impending disaster hit me. I was broke, deep in debt, ill, as I had yet to address the HIV, and no place to live but my father and step-mom's house waaaaay out in the country. Up until that month, I somehow always had kept my life somewhat together. My own place and just enough work and credit. But work had dried up, credit was running out and a bad decision to try another city and then come back home depleted my funds. To top it off the guy I left in my apartment back home, got us kicked out before I could return and smooth things over with the landlord. There I was, Mr. Handsome Professional Mid-forties Guy, just about to start the engine thinking, "Holy Fuck! I need to ask for help. I'm not going to make it."
That realization really hurt. I am not ashamed to admit I was a uncontrolled mess for a good 20 minutes. It was my damn pride that hurt the most. I had failed. I was a failure. Now, I had to ask for help and everyone was going to know the truth. Up until that moment, I didn't know I had so much pride.
I was scared but I told my parents the truth about my health and financial situation. Without words of recrimination, they offered to pay for a place in the city until I was back on my feet. I spoke to my friends at the local Aids health services and began to get health care. I went on food benefits. I went on Medicaid. I will never say a word against those programs again.
You know the funny thing is, from the moment I relented and stopped pretending that I could fix it all myself, stopped worrying about the shame and embarrassment, my life changed. People that I hadn't seen in years magically appeared in my life with the help I needed. I've never really believed in God but I am a little closer to believing now.
I start the new job after the New Year. It is a good paying job with benefits in a busy industry. I'm undetectable in my HIV status and in great health.
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As I sit here finishing up this diary and I think about how much it really is a wonderful life, I know I am lucky. It was a bit rough for a while but I have a family who loves me. I live in my hometown full of friends I have known for years. We've all helped each other out at some point, this time it was my turn. I live in a true old-style community.
"Good for you, you say, but how many of us are lucky enough to live in mythical Bedford Falls?" The only answer I can give to that is as corny as it gets. Bedford Falls isn't a place, it is an idea of community. An idea that seems out of fashion ( or being suppressed ) in the reality TV world of frenemies and 24 hr all terror all the time news.
Do Good and Happy Holidays!
Thank you for all the kind thoughts and recommendations! I almost didn't post because I felt a bit guilty about having such good news when so many are struggling, but I am glad I did. Keep your faith!