I haven't written in a while, and I really wanted to write tonight. I had no idea what I wanted to say until I was perusing HuffPo for ideas, and I came across one of the most stunningly obtuse things I have ever read/witnessed/gagged down. And, in my 41 years of being alive on this God-forsaken planet, that's saying a lot:
My brother and I have decided not to exchange Christmas presents this year. Instead, we are going to help someone in need. You know how they have those Christmas Lists that kids write and they get printed in the paper? Well, we got way lucky. My brother found someone's Christmas List on the Metro North, while commuting from NYC back to Connecticut! Actually, the guy who was sitting next to him forgot it when he was collecting the rest of his fancy Wall Street Investment Reports and got off the train in Mamaroneck.
That figures. Also, you simply have to go to the link I provided, because this all-encompassing "Dream Wish List" is not to be believed. It's like something out of the Twilight Zone, only squared while freebasing cocaine.
Maybe I simply don't understand (or care) about how the "other half" lives. Which is a fairly precise measurement of the situation, because I neither understand nor care.
But it's safe to say that one rich woman's Christmas list is a a poor woman's entire life (and then some).
On this disgusting display of potential material acquisitions, the chick who made this Christmas list wrote down what she wanted, and then her stupid-as-fucking-get-out boyfriend took notes afterwards. Said notes are bolded:
Goyard Saint Louis purse in green or navy
Green available, Bergdorf, $940 - med, $1065 - large
Givenchy Large Nightingale Handbag - a dark color, not black
$1900 - 2300
Louis Vuitton Speedy
"30" = $690, 35 = $715, 25 = $665
Mulberry Oversized Alexa Bag
$1250
Cartier Large (maybe even Men's) Tank watch
$2000 - $2500
...
I KNOW!
The fact that the spoiled girlfriend goes on & on for eternity does not help. I don't know anyone who shops at Tiffany, much less window shops on their website. I mean, I assume I do actually know women who window shop at Tiffany, but I generally want no friendship/relationship with them if they engage in such activities. Spoiled Chick provides many links and helpful suggestions, which is especially funny considering she asks for "whatever the newest Chanel make up is", not to mention "fancy hair products".
Alright. All the straight men who know a motherfucking thing about make up and/or fancy hair products, raise your hand!
Hmm. I see that there is exactly one of you. I understand how this could be problematic in the long-run.
The issue here, of course, is the exasperating girlfriend, with her offensive Christmas List From Hell™. Honestly, the last time I had a Christmas list like this was when I was, I don't know, maybe 12? I haven't kept them since, nor do I expect anyone to get me anything for the holidays. In addition, I most certainly do not provide a ridiculous "Dream" list to my friends and family that cannot be met with either sincerity or reality.
I've come to the unfortunate conclusion that rich people are fucked up and, apparently, need me to set them straight.
So, Rich People, let me clue you into a few things:
- If your wife's/girlfriend's/partner's/"roommate"'s Christmas list exceeds the GNP of Bolivia, you're doing it wrong;
- If your goal is to obtain more marketable goods than the entire continent of Africa, you're doing it wrong;
- If you think Kris Kringle is gonna slide down the chimney at Barney's, you're doing it wrong;
- If you truly believe that $2500 is a "reasonable" amount to spend on your "better" half, you're doing it wrong; and
- If you think Spoiled Girlfriend will not dump you for Extremely Hot Co-Worker, you're doing it wrong.
Christmas is not about this shit. It is simply not, people! I have never received a Jesus' birth gift over $100, nor do I care to.
The extreme majority of America agrees with me. The extreme minority sides with Spoiled Girlfriend and her $3500 yearly tanning bed subscriptions.
I'm obviously not, like, super-duper into things. I've had to pour my life into a storage facility for long periods of time and, thus, I've had to learn to adapt. I can go with the flow now, and I can also (almost automatically) gauge who gets the poor/working class mind-set and who does not.
It's a gift. It's a gift and a curse. It's a gift and a curse and a motherfucking Christmas miracle!
So, yeah. I am pretty upset that some stupid Tiffany-obsessed lady would ruin the season with her "WANT THIS!" list, that resembles something out of "Id, Inc.".
Who the fuck cares, man? Just give me a coffee pot and my daughter and I'm golden.
Word.