Although, the Solstice marks the passing of the darkest day of the year with each day growing a little longer minute by minute, for me it marks the darkest days to come. While people celebrate the next couple weeks, I remember.
My husband died three weeks after Christmas. He was a jeweler and had worked every day through Christmas Eve. I could tell he had the flu, because I had just got over it (although we both had shots, not for this flu, and Skip had had a pneumonia shot) I took him to the ER at the VA in Prescott, AZ the day after Christmas 2006. They told him he had the flu and pneumonia and sent him home.
James Brown died December 25, 2006 of pneumonia.
More than 36,000 people die in the U.S. each year from flu; perhaps twice that many die of pneumonia.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/...
Skip was getting worse and I kept calling the doctor. He was not eating or drinking anything and throwing up his antibiotics. The doctor finally told me to bring him back. They admitted him the day before New Year’s Eve, which was our 23rd anniversary. We had lived together three years before we got married, so we had been together 26 years.
They moved him to ICU two days later after calling me in the middle of the night. I wasn’t sleeping anyway. Many would fault me for not staying with Skip the whole time; but no one was helping me, and I had my own problems. Skip was the one that did everything for me. I rarely drove. To drive to Prescott was a big deal for me. I had my dog, and it was freezing outside. I stayed in the motel many nights, the hospital did not offer any alternatives, and when I mentioned it they told me there was no where for me to be. I was not welcome to stay 24 hrs at the ICU. I could not leave my dog in the car overnight with the temps in the teens, although she was staying in the car all day with me letting her out on breaks. Every couple days I went home for a night to take care of things and call the kids and friends, all of who came to visit him.
The VA hospital was dark and shut down during the two week Christmas holiday. Only the ER and xray departments were working. I would often feel the next couple weeks as if the whole hospital was deserted except for me and the patients and nurses, all who were wonderful and kind. Very few patients had visitors, although it was the holidays. I was often alone roaming the first floor, riding the elevator, in the canteen, the hospital dark, conserving energy. This is a sign of a bureaucratic system. Things shut down. I know, I grew up in the service. Right after New Years, Bush called a special holiday for the death of President Gerald Ford. For the VA this was added on to be the next Monday.
Upon the death of Ford, the nation's flags were ordered flown at half staff for 30 days after the death. President George W. Bush declared a national day of mourning for President Ford on Tuesday, January 2, 2007, to mark the funeral service.[13]
When the Chaplain first came to see Skip in the hospital, he had been in ICU five days and the prognosis was not looking good, although we still had no answers. The Chaplain asked Skip what religion he was, and he answered, “I don’t believe in closing any doors. “ He was so right. There is so much none of us will ever know, we can only wonder and ponder. (I hope there is a door for me back to you)
Skip would not die of the flu or pneumonia (but both were contributing causes). He got his diagnosis in Phoenix where they sent him by ambulance after ten days and no answers. Metastasized cancer throughout his body. Lungs, liver, stomach. Out of his hearing, I asked how long, and they told me three weeks. I told them I wanted him home the next day, and they said they could do that. I went home, and my step daughter Crystal helped me rearrange the house and get it ready for Skip.
The next day the VA in Phoenix called and told me they could not get him home because of the holiday (MLK). It took me all day yelling on the phone at them to get him back to Prescott, where all the kids showed up at the same time as me, just as the ambulance pulled in. They put him in a hospice room. He had seemed asleep, barely breathing, but woke up and smiled and said hi to all the kids. We talked, and he joked and laughed.
He died the next day. His last words to me were, “Thank you, I love you.”. He died Jan 13, he was 61. The next day, my birthday, I would turn 52. Half my life, the love of my life, my best friend, gone.
There are times when I am just a shell
when I do not feel anything for anyone
all I feel is hollow and bruised
used up and misused
forced to be someone i don’t want to be
my rage my pain
i hate my darkest days
Stabbing Westward
Anniversaries of the death of a loved one can be painful and seem more so around the holidays, a time supposed to be of good cheer, not depression. But many people suffer from depression during the holidays.
Christmas time is the most likely time of the year to experience depression. The suicide rate is higher during December than any other month, which tells us that Christmas depression should be taken quite seriously. Depression at Christmas time can be triggered by a multitude of things, such as losses, failures, and loneliness. These elements are exacerbated this time of year. People who have had deaths in the family or have experienced divorce or the loss of a child are more prone to depression, especially during the holiday season.
http://www.professorshouse.com/...
To all of those who are missing someone special to you too, I understand. I hope you get through the holidays okay. I’ve read many diaries this year of people who have lost someone or Kos members who have died. We all have someone to remember.
I myself am going to try to have a quiet holiday cooking and eating with my family and trying not to think. I won’t get many presents, Skip was the one who always thought of me; and when night comes, and I am alone again, I will think of him. If I didn’t miss Skip at Christmas, when would I miss him?