I’m talking to you - dickheads. Yeah, some of you are: my neighbors, my relatives, guys in the hunting club, parishioners of my church, and overall - an exceedingly high percentage of the white-male, conservative, rural, gun-loving culture in which I’ve spent my entire life.
I heard you shooting earlier today while I was out feeding the chickens and carrying in firewood: honest to gosh automatic weapons fire. Your crazy ass annually burns through more money in ammunition than the average resident of Covington County makes in a whole year. But you are an exception on two counts: first, you have a permit allowing possession of fully automatic weapons. And second, you inherited millions from your timber baron ancestors.
Most of those I am addressing are down closer to my income level.
You couldn’t believe Obama won, because every single person you know and hung out with voted for the Palin-McCain ticket – excepting me of course.
But the unimaginable happened. That crazy, urban, foreign-born, Muslim, white-hating, extremist-Christian, atheist went and kicked Palin’s ass (you’ve already forgot about McCain, haven’t you now). And you panicked. Cause judgment day had come early, and the end was in sight for the second amendment. That crazy ****** was gonna take everyone’s guns and bullets. You had the chain emails to prove it. I got one a day for weeks on end!
I kept telling your dumb ass that Obama was too smart and too much of a politician to go anywhere near guns or ammo. But you didn’t listen. So you went out and spent somewhere around 1 or 2 month’s of your meager salary on guns and ammo.
It was an out and out frenzy. You filled up shopping carts at Wal Mart. You emptied the shelves at Bass Pro. You had UPS making special runs to your house from Mid-South Shooter’s Supply. And the CEOs and salesmen for Hornady, Remington, Sturm-Ruger, and Winchester took home the biggest bonuses of their entire careers.
And then the midterms happened.
I wish you were still panicking. I wish you had taken out a 2nd or a 3rd mortgage to buy more ammo and guns because of this non-existent threat. If you were in full-ass panic mode, it would mean that Democrats held their own this past November. But we didn’t. Democrats took it on the nose and now you are no longer worried about your precious little .38, your sweet little .22 and your macho .45.
But you’ve still got a whole closet full of ammunition, and lord knows how many firearms.
So here’s the deal.
The next time you can’t afford to fill up the gas/diesel tank on your full-size, king-cab, 4-wheel drive pickup that gets 12 MPG on the highway and hasn’t been in the mud since you owned it; or, the next time the mortgage or truck payment is due, and the money just ain’t there, give me a call!
I’m offering 20 cents on the dollar for the following: 7 mm Remington Magnum in any grain or bullet configuration (I’ll pay extra for Barnes XXX), .243 Winchester, 17 HMR in 20 grain FMJ or Hornady XTP, 3" 20-gauge steel shot in sizes appropriate for waterfowl, 3" or 2 ¾" 12-gauge in steel shot – size appropriate for waterfowl, 2 ¾"- 3 ½" buckshot for 12-gauge, 2 ½"-3" #6, #7 ½ , or #8 lead for 12 or 20 gauge – I’m tired of typing. Suffice is to say, there’s a bunch of bullets/cartridges that I’m interested in.
And after you unload your ammo on my front porch, I’m going to put some of it to use on deer, feral hogs, squirrels, wood ducks, mallards, teal, geese, rabbits, quail, dove, woodcock, elk, and other assorted game, fowl, and varmints. But I just may have some left over about the time Obama gets reelected, and knowing your dumb ass as well as I do – you’ll be willing to pay list price plus 10% -sometime after the first week in November 2012.