Years ago during the Dark Ages (AKA the Bush Administration), I spent much time posting online looking for a community--a place where I belonged. I didn't have it offline. I managed for a few years to build a small following of friends and fans on certain sites. Then 2008 came and I got change you can believe in: a job which took over my life.
Since then, my time on other websites dwindled to nothing. My circle of online friends and fans shrank until it was gone. (Let's not get into how things are now at work.) The result?
I feel invisible. Offline, life remains a struggle and my online life has a hit a new low. So my question is... am I the only one who feels so invisible? Like nothing I do here makes any difference?
I'm facing 50 and my career has stalled. I've been single for 10 years. As ABBA once sang, "Slightly worn, but dignified and not too old for sex." I have a wee bit in savings, a nice apartment and have managed to keep a job in the worst economy I've ever known. But with no husband, no kids and remaining estranged from my family, it matters to me whether or not my presence on DailyKos makes a difference.
That's the central question of this diary: does me being on DailyKos make a difference? (I've already answered the question of whether or not me being on Facebook makes a difference.) In fact, does me being online anywhere make a difference? I donate to the Democrats and to President Obama regularly--something I started doing because of DailyKos (thank you all for that). I even volunteered at 2 different events for the Obama campaign which I'm still proud of.
But the reality is, I come here, post comments and feel like it doesn't matter. Oh sure, I have fun. Let me give a HUGE shout-out to blackwaterdog. I'm a big fan and love your diaries here! They brighten my often very difficult days at work. There are many others, such as MeMeMeMe, whose diaries I also adore. Still, I had hoped once I got involved here that it would help someone and/or myself.
I realize some people (if anyone bothers to read this, of course, because people have busy lives and it is the weekend) may see this as pure whining and ego-tripping. It isn't. By my mid 40s, I'd expected to be settled into a successful career, happily married to a wonderful man, maybe adopted a few kids and owning my own home. I'm far from achieving all that.
I check the polls results here. I read most of the articles and at least half of the diaries everyday. There are a lot of married straight people here, many with children--those with good jobs, good credit and cars. Okay, I have a good job at the moment. But none of the rest. So it is difficult feeling like the street urchin standing outside the restaurant window watching big, happy families enjoying good times and debating the future of our nation. Because it often feels like the future doesn't include the rest of us.
Yes, us. Those without college degrees, without good credit, without a big circle of friends and family that we can depend on. I admit it: today I feel like the only one (or one in a small, disjointed group who are separated by various kinds of distance both online and off). But it isn't all about me and I am concerned about others. I've struggled to better myself and my life and I have to ask, "Is that all there is?"
For those of us on the outside looking in, all I can say is keep trying. If you feel as invisible and inconsequential as I do, don't give up. You're not the only one looking at all the Markos Moulitsases, the Joan McCarters, the DarkSydes, etc and saying to yourself, "Um, hello? Does anybody know or care that I'm here? And does my being here help me or anyone else?"
I hope I'm not the only one who feels that way. And also, that my efforts to better myself and help others aren't for naught. Because lately, it definitely feels like all my donations to the Democrats, all my phone calls, all my texts and emails, all my hard work--it just feels like it's never going to make a difference. And clearly few people even notice how hard I'm trying to make things better for myself and others.
So if you feel invisible and you fear the future? You're not alone.