This just in from an angry cousin marooned in a red state (SC):
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE TO CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA
In light of your failure to make the correct decision in electing your
President, thus showing you to be unfit to govern yourselves, we hereby give
you notice of the revocation of your independence effective as of Monday 8Th November 2004.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
doesn't much fancy, and is frankly a bit dodgy.
Your new Prime Minister, the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair M.P. (for the 97.85% of you
unaware of the outside world), will appoint a Minister for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated in twelve months time to determine if any
of you noticed.
To aid your transition into a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. All citizens are to look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. While there, check the pronunciation guide for "aluminium" -this
may be surprising for you. Generally attempt to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words
interspersed with "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable form of
communication. NB. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
3. Learn to distinguish between British and Australian accents. It's not
difficult.
4. Hollywood will henceforth be required to occasionally cast Englishmen as
good guys.
5. Re-learn your original anthem, "God Save the Queen". Please ensure that
you have complied with the first law before attempting this.
6. Stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of "football".
What you refer to as "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you
aware of a world outside of your borders may have noticed that no one else
plays it. Play proper football instead; to start with get the girls to help
you - it is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, eventually, be
allowed to play rugby, which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body
armour like nancies.
7. Declare war on Quebec and France, using nukes if they give you any merde.
The 97.85% of you unaware of the outside world should count yourselves
lucky - the Russians have never really been bad guys. NB. "Merde" is French
for "sh*t".
8. 4th July is no longer a public holiday. 2nd November will be the new
national holiday.
9. American cars are hereby banned. They are crap; it's for your own good.
When we show you German and Japanese cars you'll understand.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION
Hopefully, a moment of levity in a dialogue and mindset that so often dips into our darkest places...(mine, at least!)