Esby here. Not really in the mood to satire the news this week, even reading it wore me down. I'll let the words speak for themselves.
If it’s a choice between grizzlies and humans, the grizzlies have to go. And it’s time.
—The American Family Association's Bryan Fischer.
Stephen Colbert will be thrilled.
You are not supposed to worship your constitution. You are supposed to govern your government by it.
—Rep. Jerry Nadler (D, NY).
These tragic events helped guide me to the belief that if more people are able to be honest about who they are, ultimately fewer people will feel such devastating pressure.
—Sportswriter Steve Buckley
Buckley came out of the closet last week, finally keeping a years-long promise to his deceased mother.
Brian, when you come to the Congress of the United States, there are 435 of us. We're nothing more than a slice of America. People come, regardless of party labels, they come with all kinds of beliefs and ideas. Uh it's, it's the melting pot of America. It's not up to me to tell them what to think.
—Speaker of the House John Boehner (R, OH), telling why he won't try to quell any birthers in Congress.
Is he running the House of Representatives or trying to save a princess from a monkey?
Jon Stewart, on Boehner's oversized gavel.
It's on like Donkey Kong.
She is too stupid to deserve an answer.
—Gore Vidal, on whether Rep. Michele Bachmann's (R, MN) conversion to Republican after reading a Vidal novel was true.
Texas is where the modern conservative theory of budgeting — the belief that you should never raise taxes under any circumstances, that you can always balance the budget by cutting wasteful spending — has been implemented most completely. If the theory can’t make it there, it can’t make it anywhere.
We either live together, or we die together.
—Mohamed el-Sawy, who proposed Muslims form a human shield to protect Christians at Coptic Christmas Eve Mass in Egypt.
When you look at unbalanced people, how they respond to the vitriol that comes out of certain mouths about tearing down the government. The anger, the hatred, the bigotry that goes on in this country is getting to be outrageous.
—Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik.
For instance, yesterday, God forbid I get into an accident and I can’t afford the operation…That can happen to anyone.
Rep. Michael Grimm (R-NY) on why he is accepting government healthcare.
I wonder if it's different for the 50 million uninsured?
She was one of the people I've looked up to. Knowing she was alive and still fighting was good news. She's definitely a fighter, whether for her own life, or standing up for people in southern Arizona.
—20 year old intern Daniel Hernandez, whose actions in the aftermath of Gabrielle Giffords' shooting may have saved her life.
[F]rom a medical point of view, there's a lot to suggest paranoid schizophrenia. That this man was a really sick individual.
—Sen. Rand Paul (R, KY), using his medical expertise.
Paul is not even a board certified ophthalmologist.
I believe that those of us who are in responsible positions owe it to the country and owe it ourselves and owe it to this great institution we call the United States Congress, to speak out against this kind of rhetoric because if you don't, it will keep ratcheting up, up, and up. And before you know it, as Martin Luther King has admonished us, the people of ill will will have won the debate.
—Rep. James Clyburn (D, SC).
I will max out to any presidential candidate who promises to shut down the Internet for seven days after shootings.
—Gawker's Jim Newell.
TLC's weekly Sarah Palin campaign ad, Sarah Palin's Alaska will not be returning for a second season because Sarah needs to focus on making the media speculate about a possible 2012 presidential campaign.
I think it’s important to say this, as someone left of center, that you can’t just blame this on some kind of right-wing rhetoric. I mean, clearly, I think this kid was unstable.
—Fox News' Juan Williams.
I saw his dream journal once. That's the golden piece of evidence. You want to know what goes on in Jared Loughner's mind, there's a dream journal that will tell you everything.
—Former friend Bryce Tierney.
I don't think I'm a hero. I think doing something one off is not something heroic.
But please look into protection for your family. An attempt on you could bring the republic down. There are nutjobs on all sides...terror is terror. I don't care if it is for Allah or your party.
—Glenn Beck, in an email to Sarah Palin.
"Allah or your party". Classic backhanding.
Leadership isn’t pointing the finger at someone else. It’s acknowledging that something is seriously wrong when a 9-year-old is murdered, and asking whether your platform – be in a political podium, twitter feed or popular channel – can somehow reduce the chance that action would happen again.
—Living Liberally founder Justin Krebs.
"Let’s not underestimate the giant hole this would create,” said spokesperson Carol Foyler. “Fox without violent rhetoric would be like The Weather Channel without maps.”
—Satirist Andy Borowitz.
For the first time, we’re in a situation now where the anger on the right and the left is horrific. And all you have to do Imus is just go the Huffington Post, go to MoveOn.org, Daily Kos. Read the comments from people and maybe one out of five would qualify for violence.
Only one problem: Moveon doesn't have a comment section.
As I look out the window, I see a very beautiful planet that seems very inviting and peaceful. Unfortunately, it is not.
—Gabrielle Giffords' brother-in-law Scott Kelly, from space.
We'll let the brain heal itself.
—Neurosurgeon Michael Lemole, talking about the difference between a more aggressive route in treating former Reagan Secretary James Brady and the current plan for Gabrielle Giffords.
So when you the pundit start admitting to being wrong, and forgiving your enemies, and questioning yourself, and making your message that even people with views different from your own are thinking, feeling human beings who deserve your respect -- well, none of those things tend to help you keep your market share. What does win market share is bashing the living fuck out of people your audiences love to hate (and most of the time, it's you who've trained them to hate those people). That's just a fact, and anyone in this business who's honest with himself knows that.
It would be really nice if the ramblings of crazy people didn't in any way resemble how we actually talk to each other on TV.
To a bride who moves at a velocity that exceeds that of anyone else in Washington, and a groom who moves at a velocity that exceeds 17,000 miles per hour.
—Robert Reich, toasting Gabrielle Giffords and Cmdr. Mark E Kelly at their wedding.
Film Quote of the Week:
“I had a flimsy bridge crossing scene in The Social Network,” explained Aaron Sorkin, “but I cut it because the action distracts from my densely-packed, rapid-fire dialogue.”
—Mark Ramsey's review of Season of the Witch
Music Quote of the Week:
Of the long manipulated and the willfully dumb/ You better watch what you ask for/ Cause someday it might just come
—Ted Leo, Mourning in America.
Quote the Ravin', a weekly roundup of quotes from around the internets, comes out every Tuesday around lunchtime.