I’m a great fan of gallows humor. The darker the better. Humor is one of the ways human beings deal with the contradictions and hypocrisies of life. Mel Brooks used to say that all humor is based on cruelty. Well, nothing is more cruel than lying to the American public about jobs, while your policies destroy their futures.
So after a day wasted writing job applications for positions I will never get, what better way to respond to the savagery, callousness and malevolent neglect of our so-called leaders, than to return their gifts of poverty, surveillance and war, with a little savage humor?
So I wrote a hundred jokes (yeah, I'm that pissed at the Democrats). Here are the forty best jokes. Some are genuinely funny, some are intended to stick in the gut like a stiletto, some are just a reflection of the fury I feel toward the Democratic party leadership and their creepy, hypocritical Republican politics.
Call this diary a basket full of custard cream pies I could throw at our elected leaders, from now until they either find their 'inner Roosevelt' or are driven from political office.
It’s the least I can do.
Please read on....
1. What do you call someone who has lost their job, lost their home and is now living with relatives?
A former Obama supporter
2 Why do politicians always forgive corporate criminals?
3. What do you call a politician who treats his political base with contempt?
The losing candidate
4. What do you call a progressive with no class consciousness?
A liberal Republican
5. What does a 'Third Way', neoliberal Democrat have in common with a termite?
They both destroy the homes they live in.
6. How many people must lose their homes before President Obama takes mortgage fraud seriously?
All of them. But not even that will shake his allegiance to the banks.
7. How many Democrats does it take to get a jobs program going?
Apparently, none of them
8. How many Goldman Sachs alumni does it take to create a living wage job?
None. They only know how to destroy jobs.
9. How many Democratic Senators does it take to stop a Republican?
Why would anyone want to do that?
10. What do you call a country that wages war forever but never wins?
A dying empire.
12. What do you call someone who believes that corporations can have a conscience?
An idiot. Corporations are anti-human, institutional sociopaths, they have no conscience.
13. What do you call blaming teachers for the poverty of the communities they teach in?
Arne Duncan’s education policy.
14. What do you call a politician who balances the budget on the backs of the poor and working class?
15. What do you call a politician who cuts food stamps in a depression economy?
16. How many poor people does it take to create one billionaire?
All of them.
17. Why did the chicken politician cross the road?
Because their corporate benefactors told them to.
18. How many new jobs has the government created to offset the losses in the private sector?
None, but we’re eliminating over a half million public workers, on top of the 8 million lost in the private sector, so government’s doing all that it can!
19. What does a billionaire politician have in common with his constituents?
20. What do you call the banking industry?
A criminal enterprise, backed up by the state.
21. What does a Washington politician and a Islamic fundamentalist have in common?
Neither of them gives a damn about you.
22. What’s the difference between a European politician taking a million dollar donation and an American politician doing the same thing?
The European is going to jail and the American needs to do more fundraising.
23. What do you call a situation where up to 40% of the population are no longer able to pay their bills, lost their jobs, their homes, their savings and/or never had a chance to begin with?
It’s a fucking depression, asshole! Start acting like you know that.
24. What do you call a politician who believes that market-driven social policy serves society best?
25. How many ivy league policy makers does it take to create a living wage job?
As many as are needed to employ their old school chums.
26. What do you call letting a lobbyist write legislation?
Fundraising. (alternative answer: business as usual)
27. How many people were hired to handle the overflow of jobless people in the unemployment insurance office?
None, we automated the system.
28. How many tax breaks and corporate welfare grants does it take to create a single job?
All of them, but that doesn’t mean we actually hired anyone, we just fudged the report.
29. What do Obama and FDR have in common?
Nothing. FDR created the working middle class and Obama is wiping it out.
30. What’s the difference between a burglar and a banker?
The burglar robs your home, the banker robs you of your home.
31. What’s the difference between a banker and a bank robber?
The bank robber is more honest.
32. What does the military industrial complex, the American political class, the banking industry and Islamic terrorism have in common?
They all need endless war to survive.
33. How many senators does it take to get consensus?
None. One lobbyist is all you need.
34. What do you call a Democrat who sides with the rich against the poor?
A ‘Third Way’ politician.
35. How many corporate executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. We have a subcontractor in India for that.
36. What does a politician have in common with a newscaster, a university administrator and an advertising executive?
They are all professional liars.
37. An unemployed man was without a job for a long time. Desperate for any advantage, he bought a bottle of scotch and took it to the White House as a gift for the president. He passed through security and searched in vain for someone who could give his gift to the President. Finding no one to help him - because the last thing this president wants to do is help the unemployed - he made his way out of the White House. At the exit, he was stopped by security, who asked him what he was doing with a bottle in his hand.
"I got this bottle of whiskey for the President," said the man.
The security guard nodded approvingly, "good trade."
38. What do you call a poor person who believes that the Democratic Party will defend their interests?
39. How many part-time jobs does it take to replace a full-time job at living wages?
There aren’t enough hours in the day to cover that gap, even if you worked 4 jobs.
40. What do you call a poor person in the 21st century?