Once upon a time, I told you of Obama's plot to eat our children and some laughed at me (instead of coating their children with garlic, which Obama cannot ingest without turning into a bat).
But no one was laughing last December when we all read in Politico that the President planned to announce the eating of all children during his State of the Union address. According to accounts extrapolated from various leaks from trustworthy conservative sources and Food Network hosts who were contracted to develop a marinade suited for children, this plan would sentence all children to be devoured, effective yesterday.
The plan would be paid for through 50% of the proceeds of the sale of our nation's poor people to China. The other 50% of the poor people proceeds would go towards re-capitalizing and reconstituting Enron with Rahm Emanuel as the CEO. Enron would focus on selling their new product, Tasty Crude Oil Cereal (Now with Raisins!). Every American below the $25,000 income threshold would be forced to purchase Tasty Crude Oil Cereal (with Raisins) futures. When the price of the derivatives and credit default swaps related to these futures collapsed, the powerful and connected Big Raisin Industry would be bailed out at great expense to the American taxpayer. Ironically, they would donate most of this money to Republican candidates and deliver the Senate to the GOP in 2012 after they were publicly criticized by a newly invigorated (and well nourished) President Obama. I heard all of this through the grapevine.
These plans were firm and set in stone. It would take a Herculean effort by the Netroots to thwart them. But we were up to the challenge!
After the Huffington Post warned of us this plot, we began mobilizing resources. As we all know, the best way to stop a plot like this is to donate money to the same liberal PACs that warned us about the plot. After all - who is better positioned to thwart such a scary plot than those who know the intimate (and secret) details? Who better to spearhead the defense of children than those who show great skill in the craft and dissemination of SHOCKING fundraising emails, or those who understand how to harness the power of web traffic and ad revenue through trafficking in valuable (and frightening!) secret information about the plans of our leaders?
Serious matters involving the legal and culinary treatment of children need to be handled by those with insider knowledge of our coming peril. I'm reminded of something that the great Dick Morris said on the eve of the 2008 election: "Donate to me, and I'll stop Obama from winning Arkansas." With the help of millions of dollars from the frightened Republican base, he stopped Obama in his tracks and personally reversed Obama's momentum in Arkansas by spending most of that money in 2009 on staff, travel, and an expense category containing some mysterious mentions of Rex Ryan, tutoring, and the purchase of video recording equipment whose purpose I cannot surmise. That money retroactively changed Obama's fortunes in Arkansas and led to his crushing defeat.
What I'm trying to say here is that the efforts of patriots like Dick Morris to stoke base anger based on claims that casual observers find ridiculous are important. If not for their courageous efforts to warn us of our impending doom, we would not mobilize and stop things that are already set in motion and make perfect sense, like laws against children or social security cuts right before a Presidential election (it's not like Obama is daring Republicans to announce plans to cut things and then let public turn against them. That would be 1 dimensional chess, and I don't want to be accused of implying that Obama has a fairly simple plan to make the GOP look heartless and that this plan is already working and isn't that complicated)
Congratulations to the Netroots. Children will not be battered. They will not be fried, deviled, boiled, baked, or simmered. They will be allowed to continue to exist. Obama will not place them in his "Set It and Forget It" oven, and it's thanks to the great work everyone has done here. Let's add this to the list of other things that we've accomplished over the last 5 years by running around in the street waving our hands or making sure we always touch the doorknob three times before we leave the house.
- We stopped the Alien invasion. They were on their way, but our telegraph to Batman alerted the Justice League, who sprang into action.
- We kept the freezing point of water spontaneously increasing to 55 degrees thanks to something called "Ice 9". (This would have happened, but several calls were placed to the Trilateral Commission and they put a stop to it.)
- We prevented the destruction of the sun. (Last week at around 6pm or 7pm, the sky became dark. It was obvious to all neutral observers that the sun had just been snuffed out. The Netroots sprang into action, and through many strategic donations and clicks of the refresh button at the Huffington Post, we were able to restore the sun by about 6:30am the next day. It wasn't a miracle. It was our hard work paying off!)
- We stopped the Patriots from winning the Super Bowl. (Ok, we can't take credit for this one. Rex Ryan probably gets the credit...)
Anyway. I'm just happy that the children of American are safe from Obama's clutches. Enron Tasty Crude Oil Cereal may be safely recycled or used as an automobile lubricant.
PS: Let's be continually vigilant against real and imagined threats. Especially imagined threats. Because without our vigilence, Obama would be unchecked to rule as a conservative Tea Party Republican. I mean - my lord, he almost devoured all of the children!! And he would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddlesome netroots kids.