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Muslim extremists are selfish. There's a solid argument they are awfully misguided, too, but right now I want to focus on the selfishness. Your typical Mohammed Q. Suicide-Bomber is basically looking to martyr himself for the love of Allah, right? A dedicated, Shariah law-loving Muslim who genuinely believes a celestial supreme being will be pleased if he straps on a bomb, boards a bus, and murders a bunch of random people.

The reported reward for such an act, an incentive for this seeming antisocial behavior, is an instant spot in Paradise fully equipped with 72 lovely virgins of your own. But that is nothing more than quid pro quo and hardly indicates any genuine belief or commitment to Islam. It doesn't make you Allah's loyal foot soldier nearly as much as it paints you really, really bad at getting laid. So much so that you literally need to kill for it.

Not to mention the inefficiency our faithful suicide bomber embraces. There's only one of him. As soon as he takes himself out along with his single round of infidel victims, it's straight to Paradise. Presumably. He goes out with a bang, but is of no further use. Isn't a simple bomber of much greater use than a suicide bomber? Would Allah not prefer people prove their loyalty by continuing to prove their loyalty? The current scheme is great for the bomber, who gets the one-and-done quick trip to Paradise, but what about the rest of mankind? We remain in a world populated with all the infidels these selfish bombers leave behind.

Now let's examine one more of the numbers in this game. We glossed right over those promised six dozen virgins patiently waiting for our extremely misguided extremist. One can certainly divine the supposed divine rationale behind that compensation. Until you think about it. Sure, after leading the presumed life of Islamic sexual restraint for a few decades, our suicide bomber is a lot of things, including horny. He's feeling pretty randy, ready and set to plow some women like a municipal snow truck. So I can easily understand if he wants more than a solitary woman to pass the time. Maybe sow those postmortem oats with three or four women. In fact, let's abandon all restraint, go overboard, and reward our killer with seven virgins, one for each day of the week. But seventy-two?! What does our faithful bomber even do with those 144 breasts?

Maybe you can never have too many tits. But there is still a much deeper, darker problem. A worry best illustrated by the clueless, incompetent blowjob I once received from a wonderful virgin who had never even performed oral sex before. Virgins may be pure and innocent, but unless there is Kama Sutra class in Paradise, or at least a copy of Coitus for Dummies, they also have no idea what they are doing. Allah, if you want to reward your boys, it's about time you looked into displacing the unqualified virgins in favor of a handful of high-octane sluts willing to satisfy the freakiest of fantasies, the urges born of a lifetime of sexual repression.

Originally posted to Rico Rhodes on Sun Feb 13, 2011 at 04:59 AM PST.

Also republished by Troolz and Trolls.

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