Rumor has it you're contemplating contemplating indicting me on some sort of bogus Interstate Marijuana Trafficking Conspiracy.
While any such allegations are completely untrue, I'm contemplating pleading guilty anyhow, as I'm currently facing enormous medical bills for a recently diagnosed lung cancer, and uninsured. So far as I can determine, the surest route to single payer health care in these United States is incarceration in the Federal Bureau of Prisons.
If incarcerated, I intend to seek placement in FCI Oxford, so that my treatment can proceed at University of Wisconsin Hospital, or FCI Sandstone for access to the Mayo Clinic.
Thank you for your attention.
Ben Masel, Madison, WI