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We have spent the past two years watching as insanity has gripped Congress, and even more so with Republicans now running the House.

We have a wavering President, far too many feckless Democrats, and Republicans that have decided to dive headfirst into total “insane mode” in a full-blown effort to destroy this country just as fast as possible.

To give but one example, in my own District, WA-08, we are represented by the absolutely useless Republican Dave Reichert, whose best-known legislative achievement is that he has virtually no record of any legislative achievement whatever.

Now we’ve had a very interesting relationship, you and I, over these past few years; in my efforts to “bring you the story” I’ve been a fake political consultant, a fake lobbyist, even a fake historian…and now, I think it’s time to try to bring our relationship to a new level.

And that’s why, America, I’m announcing my fake candidacy for Congress.

It was almost too good to be true. Richard Milhous Nixon, the main villain of my political consciousness for as long as I can remember, was finally biting that bullet that he’s been talking about all these years. The man that not even Goldwater or Eisenhower could tolerate had finally gone too far—and now he was walking the plank, on national TV, six hours a day—with The Whole World Watching, as it were.

That phrase is permanently etched on some grey rim on the back of my brain. Nobody who was at the corner of Michigan and Balboa on that Wednesday night in August of 1968 will ever forget it.

Richard Nixon is living in the White House today because of what happened that night in Chicago. Hubert Humphrey lost that election by a handful of votes—mine among them—and I had it to do again I would still vote for Dick Gregory.

--From Fear and Loathing in the Bunker, by Hunter S. Thompson

So let’s start with the obvious question: why a fake candidacy?

Well…why not?

Obviously, I can be just as fake as any real politician, and, as we discussed before, we have years of history together to prove it.

Can I be more useful to the District than Reichert?
Hey…even a fake me can do that.

After all, it’s not like there’s a high bar to jump over or anything.

It was four years in office before he actually got anything passed…and according to Congress.org, by 2008 he was ranked number  401 out of 435  in terms of how much power he exerts in the House…and that’s 9th out of 9 for the Washington State delegation. (Reichert’s own Congressional website reports he was ranked 166th out of 435 in 2006—and that means he fell more than 250 spots in a single term.)

So basically, all I have to do is take the Oath of Office…and we’re pretty much tied.

Now Dave tries to some extent to “ straddle the middle ”, as a result he supports environmental legislation but he’s against “card check”; he also voted to extend children’s health care coverage. He supported the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.

His stance on Social Security?

Do a search for Social Security on his Congressional website, and you get “No documents matched your query”. Look for Social Security as an issue on his site and you can find this:

Congressman Reichert has fought to protect seniors’ Medicare and Social Security benefits, preserve their access to needed health care services, and make prescription drugs more affordable

(You have to look under “ Seniors ” to find it…but at least it’s there.)

According to FreedomWorks, Reichert had  no position worth reporting  on Social Security when they attended his April ’05 Social Security workshop…although  another attendee  reports he had this to say about removing that “tax cap” that represents a giant tax dodge for the richest among us:

Raising the cap was portrayed by all three as a tax hike, which they oppose because “the government shouldn’t be taking any more out of families’ hard earned budgets.”

 OnTheIssues  has this to say about his Social Security record:

No issue stance yet recorded by OnTheIssues.org.

By the way…did I mention that Reichert is currently serving on the  House Subcommittee on Social Security ?

That’s a pretty high level of useless, and it’s exactly this kind of “get up and go” that explains how Reichert managed to fight his way right on up to number 401 in effectiveness among those 435 Members of Congress.

Me, I support the “Rich People Pay, Too” approach: no matter what your wage income might be, you gotta pay Social Security tax. No more “once you get rich, it’s a free ride”.

And guess what? If we just made all wage income taxable for Social Security purposes…the problem is actually  solved...and it  might not  even require that much reform.  

Law and order?

Reichert is a former Sheriff, and a man who cultivates the image that  he personally caught the Green River Killer. When a bill came up to get the Justice Department off the backs of medical marijuana users, Reichert voted “ no ”.

I am most assuredly not a former Sheriff…and as a fake candidate, I would propose a different approach:

If you elect me, and we can get the bill passed, once a week I will personally dose up Members like Louie Gohmert and Michelle Bachmann and Joe Barton with large amounts of LSD…and I will then transport them right back to the House floor…and then one hour a day we’ll set up something like the obstacle course on MXC and then have them run it…and I will introduce a bill to set up a special “Premium Content” partnership with C-SPAN that charges $14.95 a month so that you can see the uncensored “GoDaddy” version of the video, with the money to be used to lower the Federal deficit.

I support medical marijuana—but I would limit the co-pay, by law, to $10.

Civil rights?

Reichert opposes same-sex marriage, and only gets a 50% rating from the NAACP…and I’m one of the only people you’ll ever meet who was officially  notified he was gay by email...and if one of my family members had a “homosexual relationship”, unlike some Members, I wouldn’t keep it on the “ down low ”.

I’m more or less broke, just like you—and they tell me that, if you win, there’s  pretty good health insurance —but I’m not looking for donations, from any source…with one exception:

At the moment this is a fake candidacy, but I’m thinking about asking a group to consider underwriting this as a comedic art project—and if they do, that would be the only money the “fake campaign” would accept.

So there you go: from here on out, there will be more “Manifestos” from the fake campaign—and in the next one, we’ll be talking, once again, about how you can support a candidate like Reichert, who’s basically a joke…or you can support a candidate like me, who really is one.

Poll

"i support the fake candidate's...

42%3 votes
0%0 votes
14%1 votes
0%0 votes
42%3 votes

| 7 votes | Vote | Results

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Comment Preferences

  •  check out the "mxc" link... (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    tardis10

    ...to see the "teabagger crotch crunch”

    it is worth it.

    "...this election has never been about me. it's about you."--barack obama

    by fake consultant on Fri Feb 18, 2011 at 01:17:38 AM PST

    •  hell, if you're going to go to the bother of (3+ / 0-)

      running a "fake campaign", why not go whole hog and do it for real?

      As a fellow Washingtonian, albeit from the wilds of SW WA, I'd be happy as a clam to see somebody toss Dave Reichert out of Congress and back into the private sector.

      "in Order to form a more perfect Union"
      Basta de Guerra. No más. Enough War. No more.

      by Angie in WA State on Fri Feb 18, 2011 at 02:20:08 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  the thing is... (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Angie in WA State

        ...to be a real candidate requires a whole bunch of financial disclosure,  just for starters, and then there's the whole issue of filing fees ($1750...the amount of the fee is 1% of the annual salary) or the "filing petition", which gets you on the ballot for 1 signature per dollar.

        even then, if you lose in the primary, that's it...but a fake candidacy can go on as long as we want--and just like the "ficus" candidacy, a whole bunch of odd voting could go a long way to making reichert, or another candidate, move left.

        "...this election has never been about me. it's about you."--barack obama

        by fake consultant on Fri Feb 18, 2011 at 02:57:05 AM PST

        [ Parent ]

  •  If I could,I'd cast a real vote for you. (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    fake consultant

    "George RR Martin is not your bitch" ~~ Neil Gaiman

    by tardis10 on Fri Feb 18, 2011 at 02:21:23 AM PST

    •  well i'll tell you what... (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      tardis10

      ...check out the "ficus" video from the other comment, and let's see if we can't make something like that happen, in a way that makes reichert look as foolish as he really is.

      in particular, i want to embarrass him into moving on social security and doma--and in the process, i want to move a few others besides.

      "...this election has never been about me. it's about you."--barack obama

      by fake consultant on Fri Feb 18, 2011 at 02:59:29 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  You're wrong, fake (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        fake consultant

        Reichart is famous for catching the Green River killer and it only took him "18 years" to do it.

        Despite having the killer 'Ridgeway' questioned in the beginning of the investigation and his truck identified in association with one of the earlier murders.

        apparently due to ancient hardware and the transition to dk4 I can't recc tip jars or comments any longer so in lieu of the 'standard nod' you'll see a variety of replies until this gets fixed or becomes a mighty big fucking pain in the ass

        by oopsaDaisy on Fri Feb 18, 2011 at 07:05:30 AM PST

        [ Parent ]

        •  good point about reichert... (0+ / 0-)

          ...but on a tech note, is it possible that you are having troubles with your browser and dk4?

          three possible solutions: one, try accessing the site with another browser (i use  opera , lots of other folks use a version of firefox or mozilla).

          if that works, then you know there's an issue with your current browser installation. try doing an update to the current browser (almost always you can get to update by clicking on "help", then finding it on the menu that drops down.)

          another possibility is that "clearing the cache" would get you right, and  here's  some instructions on how that might be accomplished.

          "...this election has never been about me. it's about you."--barack obama

          by fake consultant on Sat Feb 19, 2011 at 06:14:50 AM PST

          [ Parent ]

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