There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
William Shakespeare, "Hamlet", Act 1 scene 5
(1564 - 1616)
Funny thing, every time an angel appeared to someone in the Bible, the first thing he'd say was, "Fear not." ... I guess they were pretty spectacular.
GILBERT MORRIS, The Angels of Bastogne
Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. ~John Keats
If trouble hearing Angels song with thine ears, try listening with thy heart. ~Terri Guillemets
you can read part 1 and 2 here:
http://www.dailykos.com/...
Where I left off:
In October 2010 I put the part of this story about seeing an angel in cyber space as a comment on a religion article on HP, and I got an incredible response which will be one more, and the last, diary to this story. I think the individual would not mind if I shared it with you. It changed my life, and he told me it changed his. It is what made me start writing, and I call it, “The Conversation.” I believe writing should move a person. Affect them. Make them think. To get them to open their doors of perception. I think a lot about Skip saying he didn’t believe in closing any doors
What I wrote in a comment (a little more detail than I relate here). First, I described The Experience, then:
“I had never been into angels or studied angels. The feeling of rapture I described lasted over a couple months. It was not fleeting. Do I believe I had a revelation? No. There is scientific research explaining everything I experienced.”
This is the reply I got over about a week of writing back and forth with Taijiredlion on Huffington Post. I leave out my responses because they are revealed in Tai’s comments. To me, this is the most important part of my story. (Tai gave me permission to use his words.)
taijiredlion
Wow. Did you love your husband? No doubt those feelings could be artificially induced in the lab too. Are you going to let someone argue you out of the deeper meaning, or larger reality of your feelings on that score too?
You say there's scientific research explaining everything you experienced. I'm sure there is. But not the content. Or the meaning you make of it. I mean no disrespect. There's nothing that compares with losing someone you love. But it seems to me you're taking an incredible experience and explaining it away. Why? Even if it wasn't objectively true -- and there's no way of knowing that -- it was subjectively true, and, I'd guess, both meaningful and effective. I can guarantee you a Jungian analyst would have found it so.
As far as "Religion means denying reality" -- well, you might say the same thing about politics, and half the time you'd be right. But not always, and not even in essence. It depends on the person. Someone who, after reviewing the geologic evidence, believes the earth is only 10,000 years old, is indeed in denial. But so, I would say, is the person who, after a meaningful "spiritual" experience, reduces it to meaninglessness. It's a denial of fuller being. The question again is, why? I suspect it's a form of self-protection -- isn't that always what denial is? Hunkering down behind a shell?
You had an incredible experience, however you characterize it. Don't explain it away. Open up
*************
I have to tell you, your story has completely blown me away. You just helped me make one of the biggest decisions in my life. I'm not kidding. I'm 60 years old as of next year, in good health, and with a little in the bank, but not very much -- about a year's worth, if I stopped working. Then, zero. I have been in this "spiritual crisis" for years, or call it a "life crisis": I want to start a non-profit, and write some books, but my practical side just doesn't understand how we're going to pay the rent, and is afraid we'll end up out on the street. But if I don't do it, it's going to kill my heart. I have been caught between these two poles for years, and it's killing me. I know have to pick a path, and soon: either opt for security, and keep working my job, or take a leap of faith. I know if I do the "sensible" thing and opt for security, it's really just a lie. It will really be like closing myself off in this narrow, dark space. That isn't security -- that's just burying myself alive. I KNOW that -- and yet I have not been able to make the decision -- the commitment, the leap of faith -- until this morning, as I pondered your incredible and moving story. I want to tell you what happened, but I have to run right now. More
(part one of seven)
Dobie, there's a quote by W. H. Murray in his book "The Scottish Himalaya Expedition" (1951), that I want to share with you:
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”
This is essentially the advice you just gave me, to "follow my heart." I know you're right. In fact I've always believed that's the best advice in life. But even though I say I know that, and believe it, I realize now that I've never believed it in my heart. Not really. Not all the way down, to the place where those real commitments in life Murray is talking about are made -- the place where mind, heart and spirit become one, and "providence" is moved. And so I never took that leap of faith into the unknown. I always stuck with the "safe," sensible alternative -- (continued below)
(part two of seven)
which, of course, turned out not to be safe or sensible at all in the long run. But why? Why didn't I believe all the way down? Because -- I now realize -- there's always been a war between my head and my heart. My heart wanted to take that leap of faith, but my head just didn't understand how "providence" could be "moved" to support my commitment, as Murray claims. I didn't really believe that. I didn't believe, I didn't understand, that that's how the world works, just as much as it works by gravity. It was just too woo-woo for me. Too much like "magical thinking." It required too much trust. And I'm not talking about "Providence" in the religious sense of "God" -- I'm talking about "providence" in the way I take Murray to mean it, something more like Jung's synchronicity: "meaningful coincidences,"
like Gabriel and Dobiel, or as Murray says, "a whole stream of events… raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way." I didn't really think or believe that that's the way the world works. And so I never took the leap of faith. I never followed my heart. You could say my "head" won. I never trusted, either myself, or my heart, or the world. I see that now. And I see it because of you -- because I see myself in you. -
(part three of seven)
When I first read your original post, I knew that you had had an incredible, deeply meaningful experience. And I knew that you were struggling with the most basic question: was it real, or not? Could you trust it? Could you "follow" it? I could feel in your post how important this was to you -- how critically important. How much you loved -- and love -- your husband. How connected you were. And how deep the implications of your experience were, for your relationship, and for your life. This was not a minor thing. This was the most critical thing of all. But you were stuck -- just like I was stuck, in my own way. You could not believe, you could not take that leap of faith, unless you understood and accepted the reality you had experienced. You could not "follow your heart." And so, as you say, you posted your doubts to "get reactions." To get push-back. And what you got was -- me. Me, looking at you, and realizing, "This person is in agony. She can't go forward, and she can't go back. She doesn't understand that what she experienced is real. She can't accept it, and open up to it. And it's killing her." It was only after my first
(part four of seven)
open up to it (essentially the same as "follow your heart"), that I thought long and hard, and realized I was in exactly the same boat as you, in my own way. I saw myself in you. Strange how people meet, and why. Providence.
So let me get to the point. I'm a very practical kind of guy. Midwestern. A lot like your husband, in that I've "read all the holy books," but go my own way -- I'm "spiritual," I guess, but not at all religious, in the usual sense. I love science, can't stand creationism, or smarmy televangelists. But with all that said, I've had a wide experience with exactly the kind of experience you describe in your original post. And I can tell you, your experience was real. You're crazy if you don't follow it. And it will drive you crazy if you don't -- trust me, I know. It's clear that's where your heart is. And I know why you can't just let go and follow -- what if it's not real? What if it's just wishful thinking, or some mental hallucination? That's how most in our culture would characterize it. What a farce that would be, what a horrible disappointment. It would be devastating. Crushing. It would be like losing him all over again, and worse, losing the promise inherent in the vision you experienced. So, you want proof. Just like I wanted proof. -- (continued below)
(part five of seven)
But it doesn't work that way, does it? You have to follow first. You have to take the leap. Then the proof comes. I could talk to you for hours, and share stories from
my own life and from the lives of others of experiences like yours. We could talk about Tibetan Buddhism, and the bardos, and reincarnation. We could talk about Jung, and synchronicity, and archetypes (Gabriel, Dobiel). We could talk about the hypnagogic state between waking and sleep, in which the mental structures of everyday thought are less rigid and restricting, and creative inspiration -- and sometimes, rarely, intense visionary experiences such as yours -- have a chance to come through. We could talk about all that, and more. But would it matter? Would it "convince" you? Would you "take the leap"? No. Because when all is said and done, no one can convince you. And in fact I wouldn't even try. You have to take the leap yourself. Something in you has to click, so that you understand what's really going on, and then you'll be able to move. The most I can do is hold up a mirror, by sharing my thoughts and my story, just as you did for me. -- (continued below)
(part six of seven)
Dobie, people do not meet by chance. This exchange between us is proof of that. It's also clear -- to me at least -- that you and your husband, "Gabriel and Dobiel," did not met by chance either. You are connected. You were connected before you ever met here on earth. You are connected now. I think you know that, in your heart of hearts. And I think you know that your experience -- your revelation, or vision, or dream, or whatever you want to call it -- was true, with all that that implies. You know, as I knew about my situation -- you know, but you do not know, not all the way down. Not unless this encounter between us -- on HuffPo, of all places -- has changed you as it's changed me.
You have a choice before you, as I did: follow your heart, or not. Two paths lie before you -- one "rational," but heartless, the other seemingly crazy, but full of juice, full of life and hope and meaning. You have to choose. You can't stay stuck forever -- life has a way of making sure of that! You have to choose. So, follow your own advice: Follow your heart. Don't explain away what you experienced. Open up to it. Follow it. The proof will come later. How could it be different? -- (continued below)
(part seven of seven)
One final thought: Life partners, like you and your husband, get together for a reason -- for many reasons. This crisis you're going through right now may be that reason, for you -- and all that came before in your lives together, good and bad, built up to this, to create this opportunity for you, this chance for profound spiritual change. Do you really think your husband came back for no reason? Or that what you saw -- what was revealed -- was a lie, or a meaningless fantasy? I don't think so. Spiritual revelation comes when we're ready. You're ready. Go.
And thank you, dear lady, for your courage and your friendship.
*******
(I am leaving out some parts)
If you should ever write your story down in detail -- your vision, and what you've made of it since -- I'd love to read it. I consider it important.
PS: You should know, you have a very direct, simple way of writing that is very strong. Writing is one of the great forms of meditation, of discovery. To the uninitiated, it seems like a form of speaking, but actually, it's a form of listening -- to your own heart, to the breeze at dawn, to whatever wants to come through. Just let go, and let it happen, from your heart. Be honest and simple and direct and real, as you are -- and it will happen on it's own. Like art -- like music. All the beauty comes from not trying -- from just being who you are. And... it is fun! Things you never knew you knew -- that you never suspected -- suddenly pop into being. Try it.
"The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep."
-- Rumi
Follow your heart.
Tai
epilogue:
Skip had discovered in his seeking and wandering many of the answers of life. I always wondered what he saw that I didn’t, except through his eyes. He was always smiling. He tried to show me that life is more beautiful, wonderful and mysterious than most of us can ever imagine. He never told, he showed. He taught me nature is the best cure to sooth the mind and soul, to watch every sunset and listen to the birds sing. His doors of perception were wide open.
One of my favorite pictures of Skip is him standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, arms opened wide, body bent at the waist and ready to leap. Or fly. Sometimes in life you have to take a leap of faith. Like Tai said, he could not convince me, I had to do it myself. I cannot convince you. Taking the leap is like jumping off a cliff. It can be scary and require courage. You never know where you will land. You might discover you have wings. And like Tai said, once you believe all the way to your heart, providence will move for you.
Because of this conversation I started writing and came to DK because it was a place I could publish (and I consider myself a liberal). I have always been a political creature, but I think about the meaning of life and death, too. Tai and I have “talked” since then and we both feel connected because of “the conversation”. My vet found out Mauley had a nonfunctioning thyroid and she is now on thyroid medicine and can run and breath and be happy again. Remember, “Don’t close any doors.” You never know what is waiting for you on the other side.