The following is a citizen news alert about a new menace ravaging the streets of our Nation. Be advised, the following story does contain graphic depictions of effects of addiction.
Washington, DC - Concerned scientists around the world are disturbed to report the emergence of a new white drug in society. It's called Koch, which also goes on the streets by "K" or "Special (Interest) K," and it can often be traced back to the "K Street" neighborhood of Washington, DC.
"Go ahead and pull out a dollar bill," says Dr. Freudenberg, a leading scientist studying the effects of Koch on society. "Now, I bet you don't know this but there are trace amounts of Koch on that dollar bill. On all dollar bills actually. In fact, the more money one has, the more Koch one has. It's downright scary..." Dr. Freudenberg trails off, staring out of his DC office window out onto the street below.
With of a wipe of his eye, he turns back quickly, "Have you ever seen a dollar bill...on Koch? Have you ever seen what it does to people?"
Indeed, scientists have begun to call such users of the drug, Koch-heads. Koch-heads often become fiercely aggressive, impervious to reality, foaming at the mouth, and irrationally fixated on searching for Kenyan birth certificates. By day, they seem to be mild-mannered citizens but at night, they come crawling to K Street, looking for their nightly fix.
"We're still trying to get a handle on how exactly it works at a chemical level but we do know it to be one of the most addictive substances we have ever studied," he said.
Most abusers of Koch seem to be white, male, and financially quite well-off, but Koch has been linked to many dangerous side effects upon certain groups of people.
"Pregnant women, ethnic minorities, and members of public sector unions need to be especially aware of the dangers of Koch," said the good doctor. "Pretty much anyone that's got a uterus or know someone who does needs to stay as far away from this stuff as possible."
In addition to these important health risks, Koch has been associated with embarrassing social acts, such as Koch-calling or calling someone while on Koch.
However, efforts to stomp out the Koch menace was dealt a devastating blow by the US Supreme Court last year in their Citizens United decision.
"Apparently, 5 of the 9 justices believed that sensible laws to cap or limit the amount of Koch were an infringement upon the First Amendment. Unbelievable..." says Dr. Freudenberg as he palms his face.
Indeed, critics of the Citizens United decision have pointed out the fact that two of the five justices voting in the affirmative were reportedly seen at a Koch-party and have called into question their partiality during the case.
"Koch-heads have infiltrated all branches of our government and levels of society. In fact, the further up you go, the more likely it seems to be you'll find someone on Koch."
In fact, Senator Scott Brown, a "moderate" Republican from Massachusetts was recently discovered to be a Koch-head when an embarrassing video of him appeared on the internet, showing him begging for Koch. The Senator would not comment for this story but so far, there are no reports of him acknowledging his addiction or checking himself in for rehab.
Which leads us to important question? Are your kids using Koch? Have you found any rolled up dollar bills hidden away?