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Intrepid Kossack Jeff Lieber has been reporting live on the scene of a massive windspill in Southern California, where failed wind turbines are causing widespread panic.  Now, reports are coming in that the windspill has sparked a potentially catastrophic leak of solar radiation from solar power fields in the Mojave desert, leaving the shelves of local convenience stores barren of sunblock and floppy hats.  I take you live to the devastation.

Warning: The following images are of a graphic nature, and may be disturbing to young or sensitive viewers.

Here we see solar plant worker Rutiger Nunes helplessly looking on as solar radiation overflows the capacity of the plant and washes over him, illuminating the scene in horrific glare:


Former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger toured scenes of devastation, bravely putting himself in the path of the solar radiation to show solidarity with the victims:


Solar radiation levels had spiked so massively at this solar thermal plant that this photograph could be taken without any kind of artificial lighting:


A National Guardsman and local desperately flee the scene as a wall of sunlight careens down a canyon of solar panels toward them.  We have been unable to verify whether they managed to escape:


A massive evacuation of the beaches is planned for 4 PM today, which is coincidentally Happy Hour at most of the nearby bars.  "We've got to get these people out of the path of the radiation," said Beach safety coordinator Mike Toolberger, gritting his teeth.  "Stupid hippies," he continued angrily.  "They call it 'sunshine,' but what it really is an exposed nuclear reactor core - the biggest one in trillions of miles!"  

The US Chamber of Commerce echoed Toolberger's sentiments, calling solar energy a "dangerous Communist experiment" that was "bound to bring about the wrath of Ayn Rand's poltergeist."  The Chamber's press release went on to recommend ritual human sacrifice to appease the angered spirit, and a "return to traditional methods of power generation, such as whale oil and unfiltered coal burning."  It also mocked environmentalist concern over nuclear power generation, noting that there are several feet of concrete surrounding nuclear power reactors.  "But nothing stands between us and the great big Socialist vagina that is the Sun."

As I type this, the light is streaming in between the blinds of my windows, so brightly that I can clearly see things outside.  I don't know how much longer it will be before the solar flux takes me - probably in this century, or maybe even within the next fifty years.  But I will keep on reporting as long as I last.  My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who today was touched by the solar spill.  When, oh when, will they ever learn?  

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