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It always amuses me when Mitt Romney is touted as a good business man and he’s the man who can turn the economy around. Do you know what his business was? Buying up struggling companies through leveraged buyouts and either breaking them up into pieces to sell off or liquidating them and selling off the properties – both cases sending workers (some who have worked in said companies for years or their whole adult lives) to the unemployment line. Remember Richard Gere in Pretty Woman? Yeah, that’s Romney but without the mythical non-meth addict prostitute who changes his ways. That being said, here is Romney’s plan for America based on his successful business model.

-    North Carolina – overall, your state isn’t too bad but it could be better. The U.S. will hang onto the Research Triangle, the Charlotte area and areas to be determined based on the profitability of the local farms. The remainder of the state will be sold off to adjacent states and to any interested foreign states or entities.

-    West Virginia – Although you are rich in coal your state is a total drag on the country with the overall poverty and reliance on social programs. You are to be liquidated and sold outright to China. Based on China’s need for energy sources you should produce a great return.

-    Michigan – You are a lost cause. The upper peninsula will be given to Ontario as that alone will save the country money. The rest of the state will be parceled out to neighboring states with the area surrounding Detroit being outsourced to Mexico.
-    Florida – You are a bit more complicated. You will be taken into receivership and run the “Bain Way.”

-    Hawaii – Your cost benefit analysis isn’t that good but isn’t that bad. The U.S. will seize your pineapples by eminent domain and your land sold to Kenya. All your birth certificates are belong to Kenya.

-    Nevada – Your state has been nose diving but you have great upside. More casinos and brothels and making Latinos illegal will solve your problems.

-    Utah – Thumbs up

-    Arizona – Your state has been growing despite the national trends. Your state will remain but to grow it even more the U.S. will institute more draconian immigration laws and more liberal gun ownership laws.

-    Ohio – Like Michigan, you are a total mess. The U.S. will take the majority of your GDP in exchange for allowing you to exist and fight for your survival. When you file for bankruptcy and cease to exist you can sleep well knowing that you helped out the country with your management fee payments.

-    North Dakota and South Dakota – This two state solution has been a failure. You will be combined with Montana and Wyoming and your state employees downsized into a more effective force. Welcome Wydakotana as our newest state.

-    Maine – Your barter system adds nothing to the national economy. It’s time to discuss a merger with New Brunswick.

-    New York – You’re too big to fail so you will be bailed out, though Buffalo can be sold to Canada.

-    New Jersey – You are a total mess. You’d be liquidated and sold if you had any value. As such you are now a new country.

-    Massachusetts – Your crushing tax burden and embrace of gay marriage and collective bargaining will be overturned to halt the population exodus.

-    California – You’re just like Florida but unmanageable. You’ll be carved up based on income and the losing assets sold or given to Mexico.

-    Louisiana – Your state has been a drag forever. You’re too corrupt to save. New Orleans will be liquidated and sold to France. The rest of the state to be leased to France.

-    Oklahoma – U.S. will keep Oklahoma City, possibly in receivership; rest of state will revert to a reservation that will now take former residents of West Virginia and Louisiana.

-    Alaska – Your state will be broken up into micro-states to be leased to the highest bidder among all energy companies.

-    Delaware – You never should have been a state. Northern half will be merged with Philadelphia; southern half will be liquidated. Southern half has no value and is too small to become its own country so will be severed and allowed to drift into the Atlantic Ocean.

-    Rhode Island – You can’t exist on your own anymore so you will return to Massachusetts ownership.

-    Connecticut – Your eastern half will follow Rhode Island in joining Massachusetts. Your western half will finally get their wish and become part of New York.

Mitt Romney’s America

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