Welcome to Awards Edition Plus, your one-stop snark shop for in-depth analysis of the cesspool which is politics and the people who bring it it to us.
Update: A big thanks to Mainer and Kossack Vacationland for the wonderful new group graphic of an actual, golden, douchenozzle. I am going to put her on the board of directors of the Portland Golden Douchenozzle Factory, located right behind B&M.
Usually, we present a list of nominees. Today, however, I have decided that we will focus on this week's Golden Douchenozzle Award (Douche d'Or?) winner: Maine Governor Paul LePage. We will take a look at his illustrious career as governor--all three months--and some sweet highlights from his campaign.
Also, News of Dubious Veracity Department and an editorial from Sirius the Cat.
Meet you over the jump (commonmass leaps and just makes it over....)
AWARDS EDITION PLUS EDITORIAL
by Sirius the Cat
As a cat, there are two things that sound alike to me: vacuum cleaners and right wing politicians. When the old Electrolux comes out, I find the nearest couch and hide under it. I do the same thing when I hear the voices of certain politicians. One thing right-wing politicians have in common with a vacuum cleaner is the sheer level of ear-splitting noise. Another is that like vacuum cleaners, some of these folks--such as Newt Gingrich and John McCain--have been gathering dust longer than Commonmass' antiquated rug-beater. Though they probably change their bags a little more often. Of course the most important thing they have in common is that both vacuum cleaners and Republicans suck.
Next time you hear the white noise generated by Michele Bachmann or Who? whining about her terrible disappointment upon learning that Bethlehem is under Palestinian administration or Newt channeling Flip Wilson ("Patriotism made me buy this dress!") take a lesson from an old cat: go hide under a couch. Or at least change the channel.
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News of Dubious Veracity Department
via the Yorkshire Daily Ewes:
35 Year Old Murders Solved: Deaths an Accident
The suspicious deaths of six people after a casual dinner party 35 years ago--long thought to be the result of a home invasion--have now been ruled an accident, thanks to modern DNA technology. Neighbors witnessed what looked to be a farm worker carrying a scythe approach the property, though no evidence of blood was found on the premises in the initial police investigation. While the identities of the victims are being kept quiet pending the notification of family members, the local Medical Examiner, Eustis Tilley, reports that upon the re-examination of the remains it can be definitively ruled an accidental poisoning. "Apparently, it was the salmon mousse" Tilley told this reporter.
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And now, without further ado, this week's winner of the Golden Douchenozzle Award: (tympani roll,..........crescendo........CYMBAL CRASH!!!!)
Maine Governor Paul LePage!!
(weak sauce brass fanfare...)
The Golden Douchenozzle Award is given for general asshattery and rank hypocrisy, awarded to the politician, pundit or media figure who best exemplifies these august traits this week.
When I did a Google search on Paul LePage, I was a little surprised to find that one of my own diaries was the fifth hit. Fourth on that search was This article by Kossack and Dirigo Blue editor Spud1. It hearkens back to the campaign, where then-mayor of Waterville, Paul LePage, claimed that he was being discriminated against in the race by, well, his "race":
Paul LePage says: "My opponents are saying I"m not fit to be a governor because I am French Catholic."
Reporter: Which opponents have said this?
Paul LePage: "The blogs. If you read the blogs...I think they have D in their name."
Reporter: Any particular blog?
Paul LePage: "The guy's name is Arden Manning. He's the guy that's spilling this garbage."
Reporter: He's saying that because of your French Catholicism you're not fit?
Paul LePage: "Yeah."
Arden Manning, it turns out, doesn't even have a blog. A blog with a "D" in it? Dirigo Blue, Daily Kos? Hmmm. But this is not the end of LePage's playing the ethnic card....but first, here's some more from the campaign:
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Or what about this gem, wherein LePage admits that, unlike old commonmass here, he does not pay property taxes in Maine and gets testy when questioned about his wife's property in Florida, where she was a resident solely for the purpose of getting in-state tuition for their daughter, who is now on staff in Augusta:
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Un-freaking-BELIEVABLE.
This one is my very favorite:
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That's right. He wanted to punch out a Maine Public Broadcasting Network reporter and said so, on live TV. On MPBN, of course!
During the debates, he brought up the ethnicity issue yet again where he said in his closing statement "Everyone knows a Frenchman in Maine is a Democrat. But the one thing a Frenchman likes more than a Democrat is another Frenchman". Classy.
Let's fast-forward a little to after the inauguration of Gov. Paul "38%" LePage:
True to his teabagging agenda, he wants to gut education funding, break the public employees unions, teach creationism in the schools, lower pensions (for every state worker excepting, of course, His Excellency Himself), relax child labor laws, roll back environmental protections and of course, "make the state attractive to business". Which brings me to the final straw that wins him the award: remove a mural from the Department of Labor and re-name conference rooms named after famous labor leaders in order to be friendly towards business:
Here are some excerpts from the anonymous letter signed "A Secret Admirer" that precipitated his decision to remove the mural and re-name the conference rooms:
"In studying this mural, I also observed that this mural is noting but propaganda to further the Union movement. I felt for a moment that I was in communist North Korea where they use these murals to brainwash the masses...
MR LEPAGE, PLEASE TEAR DOWN THIS MURAL.
Classy, no? Heck, I bet it was written by Grover Norquist. Here on the Daily Kos, this would make a great candidate for Markos' "Hate Mail-a-Palooza". But in Augusta, it is a rallying cry for decisive action.
What about the conference rooms named for famous labor leaders? Well, one of the most objectionable is the one named after Frances Perkins, the first female cabinet secretary, Secretary of Labor under FDR and someone who, by the way, personally witnessed the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire. Can't get more anti-business than THAT, can we.
For these reasons, and many others I could name, Gov. LePage wins the award this week. He is living proof that a teabagger who received 38% of the vote in a three-way election with less than half of eligible voters voting can tear down the infrastructure of a State in less than three months in office, with a willing legislature. For those of you who have decided not to vote in the next election, take heed: THIS is what we GET when we STAY HOME.
Here's an excerpt from my letter informing His Excellency of his prestigious award:
Dear Gov. LePage, I am pleased to inform you that you are, yet again, this week's recipient of the Golden Douchenozzle Award for your general asshattery and rank hypocrisy. I know you don't need any more golden douchenozzles, but I was thinking that you could maybe put them on sale at Mardens, to which I hope you return as CEO as quickly as humanly possible....
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Join us Next time for another installment of Awards Edition Plus. I will be playing with the publishing times, and depending how it does today, may be moving it from Wednesday evenings to Friday mornings. Feedback appreciated.
Updated by commonmass at Fri Mar 25, 2011 at 11:17 AM EDT
Great thanks and hat tip to Kossack "vacationland" for the lovely new Golden Douchenozzle grahic!