WARNING: While reading this Diary, keep your hands above your keyboard at all times.
A couple of days ago, I was lamenting the avalanche of anti-abortion bills coming out of the State legislatures and ranted to some colleagues:
The thing that pisses me off most about this is that WE never ever introduce any bills favoring abortion and/or against them. We could get reps to introduce positive stuff for us to keep them busy...but NOOOOOO....we are always always on the defensive. Always fighting their absurd bills, but never promoting our own reasonable legislation.
We should begin a campaign immediately (and across State lines like they do) to introduce bill after bill after bill that promotes our positions on the issues. We should even throw in some absurd ones...like: The. Masturbation. Police. In other words, every time a man masturbates, he’s killing billions of tiny potential human beings. This should be investigated! And now. And how about maybe another bill to make the boy’s parents responsible for paying for an abortion if he gets a girl pregnant. Or maybe, how about one that if insurance is outlawed from paying for abortion, then Viagara should not be allowed to be paid for by insurance. And speaking of that...how about a bill that outlaws Viagra for unmarried men? Or maybe, a law that requires a politician to sign a certified, notarized statement that he/she has never ever paid for, gotten, or gotten a woman pregnant who has had an abortion BEFORE they can vote for any anti-abortion motivated legislation. Or how about......I could go on and on and on.
LIFE BEGINS AT ERECTION
Subsequently, I heard about (but didn't see it and can't find the link) that Bill Maherclaimed last night that "Life Begins at Erection". (UPDATE) Actually Bill Maher was reporting on the below homeschooled candidate's statement that "Life Begins at Erection". But, I think we should take this and run with it.)
I even used the Google and found this 2012 Presidential Candidate who is so pro-life that he actually does believe that Life Begins at Erection!
UPDATE: Here is the snarkalicious introduction of this Bill Maher created candidate.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/...
And cartoons even lament this point.
At this point, cue in "Every Sperm is Sacred" from Monty Python.
LIFE BEGINS AT EJACULATION
But who's counting?
At about the same time, my good friend Charlotte Taft of the Abortion Care Network penned a brilliant piece entitled "Every Sperm is my Brother". (UPDATED) That piece is now published in its entirety at RH Reality Check.
Every Sperm is Your Brother
After nearly 40 years working in the abortion field, I can see that the situation is hopeless. I admit it. Personhood begins at ejaculation!
This realization came to me as I considered the dozens of bills in legislatures all over the country designed to limit access to or even criminalize abortion.
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And as I was totally overwhelmed by the woman-hating, woman-fearing energy that went into thinking up these diabolical laws, I just gave up.
Then it became obvious that, of course, women really are merely sin-filled vessels for new life which is innocent, sacred and worthy of protection at all costs. In fact, I became so aware of the sacredness of unborn life, that I recognized that we have almost forgotten the sacredness of the very seeds of life. Let’s face it, a darling cuddly little sperm is just one tiny cell away from being a person—and that cell is an egg, which comes from a woman, so it hardly counts. I always heard that there are about 300,000,000 (give or take) sperm in every ejaculation.
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So I am announcing the founding of the Sperm Protection and Information League (SPIL). Our motto is, Don’t Spill Your Seed.
I hate to remind you of the slaughter, but every day billions of sperm die an agonizing death of dehydration in socks, towels, and. well…places you cannot even imagine. Studies have shown that sperm feel pain while they are still in the testes. A little known scientific fact is that these sperm in pain are the source of the heartbreaking malady known as ‘Blue Balls’. Besides this very real pain, for years the vicious Women’s Lib Birth Control Movement has sought to deprive sperm of the very thing they need to stay alive—an egg.
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We must no longer tolerate any of this birth control pill, chemical genocide, that allows the egg to hide within the woman’s body. It is God’s law that an egg is supposed to submit to and care for a sperm, just as a woman is supposed to submit to and care for a man. In case you are wondering, yes, this is the real evil of homosexuality and masturbation. Among the perverted, countless sperm are being ejaculated where there is no egg to nurture them. We all know that those lesbians who are wasting their eggs every month instead of making them available to a needy sperm are just the Daughters of the Devil.
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So, men, make sure to wear boxers so you don’t keep those little pre-conceived darlings too warm. And women—be ready to provide an egg whenever a sperm is in need. In the vast scheme of things we may sometimes feel alone—but remember, every ejaculation is full of little tiny people, and every sperm is your brother.
At this point, cue in Woody Allen in his sperm suit:
And Greenpeace even punned Woody's sperm:
WHEN DOES LIFE BEGIN?
Some say:
"Life begins when the dog dies and the kids go off to college."...Anonymous
"The anti-abortionists believe in life before birth and after death, but not in between."...Anonymous again
Cue in George Carlin:
SOS: SAVE OUR SPERM
So, in the interest of preserving humanity and ensuring that every precious little pre-born sperm person is rescued, the floor is yours for suggestions to SOS.
Let the coming stop and the punning begin.