On the stage were/will be many GOP hopefuls, some of whom had not yet declared their candidacies but were allowed to participate, anyway. The group included:
The host was/will be Britt Hume (BH) of Fox News.
Please note that I am publishing only the opening segment of the transcript at this time. The debate was/will be 90 minutes long, and that would simply take up too much time and space here. I may add additional segments over the course of the next week or so, long before the debate actually takes place.
BH: You each have 15 seconds at the opening to describe why you're running for president. We'll start with you, Governor Pal--
MB: She's not a governor! She quit halfway through her term. I never quit anything! I'm a fighter!
SP: Now hold yer horses there, little missy! I was driven out of office by the lamestream media!
BH: Ladies! Please! Harumph, harumph. Governor Palin, you have your 15 seconds.
SP: I am running for all of the good, God-fearing American people who have never dissed me either in public or in private, and those who have dissed me, know that when I win, payback will be a snitch, except it starts with a "b", and I will hunt you down and spend every resource I have at my disposal to--
BH: Time's up, Governor Palin. Governor Romney?
MR: What do you think of my hair, Britt? Do you think it looks okay? I'm doing something a little different with it lately, trying to get more of a southern, Trent Lott/Jim DeMint look.
BH: Thank you, Governor Romney. Congressman Gingrich?
NG: I am runn--
MR: I'm not done yet! I just asked you about my hair!
JD: Your hair looks nothing like mine! I have Southern hair!
NG: I thought it was my turn to talk.
BH: Yer up, Gingrich.
NG: I think when we look at the reasons I believe I should be the next President of the United States, we should go back to my time as a professor at the University of--
BH: Trump, you're next.
NG: But I just started!
BH: We know it's not going anywhere, Gingrich. Harumph. Trump?
DT: I've got my birth certificate right here!
[5 SECONDS OF SILENCE]
BH: That's it?
DT: Watch my show!
BH: Governor Pawlenty?
TP: I'm dressed as "Rambo" tonight for one very good reason: America needs a hero.
RS: I can't believe you oiled yourself up like that. Are those tattoos real?
TP: Henna.
RS: The whole thing is kinda' hot. But I AM NOT a homo! Ask my wife! We have six kids now!
WOMAN'S VOICE FROM BACK OF AUDITORIUM: Eight!
RS: Eight, whatever. It's a lot. That means I'm not a homo and I think homos should be outlawed!
MB: Outlawed? That's all? I want to send all the homos back to Homoland where they came from! We need to seal our borders!
JD: Send them back to Homoland? That's it? I want to open a Department of Homoland Security that will set up Homo-to-Hetero Conversion Camps in all 50 states!
MB: (Muttering) Why didn't I think of that!
BH: Governor Huckabee? You're next.
MH: Jesus says, "Tithe your money in my name." As the only ordained minister running for president, I think we know what Jesus was saying here. Make your checks payable to "Huckabee 2012."
BH: Your 15 seconds are starting, Governor Barbour.
HB: I'm friends with Herman Cain. And I'm good friends with all the colored fellas who work at the country club.
HC: So am I. Though I am not allowed to join your club, Haley.
HB: We have to maintain respect for our traditions and heritage, Herman.
BH: Governor Daniels?
MD: All this talk about "homos" and "coloreds" will not help us win the general election.
[15 seconds of total silence in auditorium]
MD: I withdraw my candidacy.
[MD walks off stage]
RS: My turn, right?
BH: Harumph. You had your 15 seconds earlier, Senator Santorum.
RS: But I--
MB: Obamacare! Light bulbs! Homos! Personal freedoms! The Constitution! Tea Party! Patriots! Obamacare! Homo--
BH: Congresswoman Bachmann, that's--
MB: Light bulbs! Personal freedoms! Homos! The Const---
JH: It's like some sort of rightwing Tourette's.
MB: Why don't you just shut up, Huntsman! I have pictures of you kissing Obama on the lips!
JH: No way! I was in China.
MB: The Red Chinese! Obamacare! Personal freedoms! Light bulbs! The Constitution! Socialism! Obamac--
[MEDICAL PERSONNEL remove MB from stage]
BH: I think this wraps up our opening segment...
HC: What about me?
BH: As with every GOP event, Mr. Cain, you're only here to add color. Literally.
SLGNJ: As the only Libertarian running, I want to talk about the Zionist bankers and the gold standard--
SP: Is it my turn again? Are we back to the top? Because President Obama if I was not then in Alaska and the energy policy, well, that and Libya in case Al Qaeda we should be also Egypt then but a balanced budget or something.
BH: Harumph, harumph, harumph.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]