Have you heard, have you heard, the crooked tea party witch of Delaware is in a gang of “brand new” trouble with the FEC regarding her 2010 campaign money. So today, I’ll assist The Associated Press in telling you exactly what happened. I’ll ask the real questions and they’ll give you the answers. “Me” report, you decide:
Me: What is going on here people?-- this looks serious.
AP: “New campaign finance reports filed by former U.S. Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell include what appear to be previously undisclosed payments to her for travel expenses and indicate that she ended 2010 with $230,000 less cash on hand than previously reported.”
Me: Dang cousin, that sounds like her apartment/family payroll scandal from last year. So is she really just a con person, incompetent, total fruit-cake or just another ignorant tea party loon?
AP: “According to Mitchell, the compliance experts discovered several "inadvertent" errors resulting from campaign software used in 2009 and early 2010.”
Me: What??? Inadvertent my eye!! So tell me exactly what her voodoo bookie said.
AP: "We believe that the reports from the 2010 election cycle for Friends of Christine O'Donnell are now reconciled to the bank account and accurately reflect the receipts and disbursements in accordance with FEC regulations," Mitchell wrote in an e-mail to The Associated Press.
"We also went through all records of the campaign and sorted all receipts and documentation to show that the disbursements reported by the campaign were for legitimate and proper campaign purposes," Mitchell wrote.
Me: You know, I don’t know if it’s just me but this whole “what had-happened” is just not working for me. They seem to be blaming everyone but themselves. So what else did Mitch say?
AP: “Mitchell told the AP that the 2009 reports were filed before the campaign could afford compliance software, and that 2010 reports filed after the campaign acquired a compliance reporting software system had to be amended because of glitches in that system.”
Me: Okay, so her computer ate her homework—kinda like the judges race in Wisconsin? Um—I guess that’s half way plausible so it means the case is closed right?
AP: “But Mitchell could not explain why the committee's amended year-end report for 2010 showed cash on hand at the close of the period of $424,130.08, when the original filing showed $654,336.15, a difference of $230,206.07.”
Me: What???? You mean after all of the scrutiny, lawyers accountants and media attention, The Witch still can’t account for 230k? She’s going to jail—she’s going to jail, cousin. So where is she now?
AP: “Mitchell, who said she was not in her office Friday and did not have access to the documents, refused to explain the discrepancy in a subsequent e-mail.”
Me: Oh snappola!!-- Macaroni and greens, catfish and grits, this tea party crook is so busted!! Surely her campaign treasurer can straighten this all out. What is he saying?
AP: “O'Donnell campaign treasurer Matt Moran did not respond to messages seeking comment.”
Me: Shut up!!—Oh no he didn’t get all silent on us. What happened to the original federal investigation of the apartment rent, trips and family members on her payroll?
AP: …”Federal authorities are continuing a criminal investigation into whether O'Donnell illegally used campaign money for personal use.”
Me: Wow!! Since AP is a legitimate news outlet that doesn’t share personal opinions, what are the intellectual, non-biased, political punditry who are flowing with flighty cacophony, reeking with melodious banter, exploding with rhetorical flourishes and guessing with reckless abandon saying about whether or not this most shocking turn of events will land her in jail?
Me: I don't know but i do know she’s in deep doo-doo.
Gotta love these good old honest, family values republicans.