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The latest reactionary scare-tactic by the right has been making the rounds for some time now, and I thought it might be instructive to take a quick into what it would take to remove the possibility of Sharia Law ever gaining traction here in the USA. USA. USA! USA!! USA!!!

Sorry. I was overcome, suddenly filled with so much patriotism I very nearly cheated on Newt Gingrich's wife.

Anyway, here's a list of things the government can do to protect us from this horrible plight.

1. We've already taken the first step. "Sharia" is Islamic Law, so saying "Sharia Law" is like saying "PIN (Personal Identification Number) number". Step one accomplished: Get it wrong and refuse to learn any better.

2. Divorce. Sharia LAW (Ha ha!! Take that, terrorists!) allows for divorce. Congress must stamp out this terrorist practice by passing a bill that requires all divorced people to return to their first spouses and remain married forever. That's right, Tom Arnold! Go back to Roseanne! What's that? She was already married once before you? This law doesn't say it has to make sense!

3. Under Sharia Law Law Law, thieves must be punished by imprisonment or severing hands or feet. Under Amer'can law, thieves must now be punished by being free and having extra hands and feet sewn onto them.

4. Adultery is against Sharia LLLaaaaaaawwwwww. Bill Clinton is vindicated at last! Blow Jobs don't count.

5. Muslims are forbidden the meat of monkeys, dogs, or cats. Sorry, furbutts; pooties and woozles are on the menu. :(

6. Sharia La-la-la-law demands prayer five times each day. To prove we are better, it must be the law of this land that everyone pray ten times a day. If you're an atheist, just stop using condoms. The resulting desperate hope that you will avoid unwanted pregnancy and disease will count.

7. Liquor is expressly forbidden for Muslims, so Alcoholics Anonymous must be declared a terrorist organization, and free elections must be held to make sure that Budweiser really is the King Of Beers. If Budweiser loses the election, it must go back to using dogs as mascots, and the new King Of Beers must replace milk as the beverage of choice in American schools.

8. Dress code. Women under Sharia "L.A." Law must A). Wear their best garments, B). Cover their "Bosoms", and C). Lengthen their garments. Looks like Hooters just got Federal Subsidies. Tips given to strippers must be allowed as a tax write-off.

9. Stoning to death is a punishment we must never engage in. Americans must be put to death with baseballs. The Lady Justice statue must be replaced with a bust of Dizzy Dean.

10. And finally, it is a major crime under Sharia "El to the A to the Dubya to commit apostasy. No one must be allowed to leave the Muslim faith. Therefore, we must all convert to Islam and live under Sharia Law.

Wait. Where was I?

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