Skip to main content

The latest reactionary scare-tactic by the right has been making the rounds for some time now, and I thought it might be instructive to take a quick into what it would take to remove the possibility of Sharia Law ever gaining traction here in the USA. USA. USA! USA!! USA!!!

Sorry. I was overcome, suddenly filled with so much patriotism I very nearly cheated on Newt Gingrich's wife.

Anyway, here's a list of things the government can do to protect us from this horrible plight.

1. We've already taken the first step. "Sharia" is Islamic Law, so saying "Sharia Law" is like saying "PIN (Personal Identification Number) number". Step one accomplished: Get it wrong and refuse to learn any better.

2. Divorce. Sharia LAW (Ha ha!! Take that, terrorists!) allows for divorce. Congress must stamp out this terrorist practice by passing a bill that requires all divorced people to return to their first spouses and remain married forever. That's right, Tom Arnold! Go back to Roseanne! What's that? She was already married once before you? This law doesn't say it has to make sense!

3. Under Sharia Law Law Law, thieves must be punished by imprisonment or severing hands or feet. Under Amer'can law, thieves must now be punished by being free and having extra hands and feet sewn onto them.

4. Adultery is against Sharia LLLaaaaaaawwwwww. Bill Clinton is vindicated at last! Blow Jobs don't count.

5. Muslims are forbidden the meat of monkeys, dogs, or cats. Sorry, furbutts; pooties and woozles are on the menu. :(

6. Sharia La-la-la-law demands prayer five times each day. To prove we are better, it must be the law of this land that everyone pray ten times a day. If you're an atheist, just stop using condoms. The resulting desperate hope that you will avoid unwanted pregnancy and disease will count.

7. Liquor is expressly forbidden for Muslims, so Alcoholics Anonymous must be declared a terrorist organization, and free elections must be held to make sure that Budweiser really is the King Of Beers. If Budweiser loses the election, it must go back to using dogs as mascots, and the new King Of Beers must replace milk as the beverage of choice in American schools.

8. Dress code. Women under Sharia "L.A." Law must A). Wear their best garments, B). Cover their "Bosoms", and C). Lengthen their garments. Looks like Hooters just got Federal Subsidies. Tips given to strippers must be allowed as a tax write-off.

9. Stoning to death is a punishment we must never engage in. Americans must be put to death with baseballs. The Lady Justice statue must be replaced with a bust of Dizzy Dean.

10. And finally, it is a major crime under Sharia "El to the A to the Dubya to commit apostasy. No one must be allowed to leave the Muslim faith. Therefore, we must all convert to Islam and live under Sharia Law.

Wait. Where was I?

Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags


More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site