The media are currently awash with stories about how Mitt Romney is going to give a ‘big’ or ‘major’ health-care speech tomorrow. Now, how is it that a non-officeholder who has no power to implement any sort of legislation whatsoever (just like me!) gets to give a ‘big’ speech? Why is it ‘big’? This is TOTALLY unfair.
Therefore, I am announcing today that on Tuesday, May 24 in Boston, I, skralyx, will be giving a MAJOR speech (and I do mean all-caps MAJOR) on varieties of salsa and also salsa policy in America. I insist that the media give this speech its due, as I’m sure they will. After all, as I've said, I have just as much legislative power at this time as does Mitt Romney.
Wait, what’s that? He formed an exploratory committee and I didn’t? Believe me, I have people out there exploring. And you wouldn’t believe what they are finding.
But I digress. I am doing this for two reasons:
1) Many have criticized me for my choices of salsa, and the criticism is, on the surface, not entirely without merit. I mean to set the record straight so that people will see me as a good source of salsa information once again. There are many rumors, conspiracy theories, and just plain misconceptions out there about why I make this or that choice of salsa, and I wish to dispel them.
Let me give you an example. There has been a lot of talk in the recent past about mild salsa. I cannot pretend not to hear it. Why does skralyx have mild salsa in his refrigerator? That’s so milquetoast, skralyx. Who are you, Tim Pawlenty? I am going to address that May 24, but let me give you this teaser: I ALSO have, on my shelf, a couple of small bottles of hot sauce. One of these is called “Smack My Ass And Call Me Sally”, and the other is called “Hemorrhoid Helper”. Does that sound milquetoast to you? So this issue is far more complex than many would have you believe. And these same detractors often conveniently forget my spice rack as well (which incidentally I built myself). But go ahead: Google skralyx and spice rack, and it is pretty slim pickins. Google me and salsa, though, and the loony bin comes at you full-force. The surface has barely been scratched on this issue, but I promise you, I will rectify that.
My detractors have also neglected to talk about pico de gallo. The salsa picture is just not complete without that, and while I don’t have a degree in it, I do know my way around a salsa bar, OK? I don’t just mindlessly scoop up whatever says ‘chipotle’ on it. Rest assured, skralyx will be edifying the public about that particular family of condiments.
But enough about me.
2) My own personal view is: I just want what’s best for America, and access to decent salsa has to be on that list. Am I wrong about that? I don’t think so.
I cannot let such important and timely subject matter go unaddressed. The American people expect this of me. They come up to me all the time, both Democrats and Republicans, and they ask me about our salsa future here in America. It's become clear to me that many in America don't have access to good salsa, whether it's due to pre-existing condiments, geographical limitations, lack of information, or what have you. But we can change that, and without a government takeover of salsa. I have proposals that are far better than any you’ve heard, and I am going to lay them out on May 24 at Boston Common.
Consider this my press release. I trust that the major news media will pick this up, because I know they come here. This is going to be so MAJOR. I will bring along a 2-liter bottle of Diet Pepsi. I am sharing.
OK, shit, I need to get my suit to the dry cleaners'. Does anyone have like a microphone/amp setup I could borrow? I wouldn’t mind a teleprompter either.
Oh, this is going to be BIG.