(freshrant.com) In a series of cascading revelations, an emotionless Arnold Schwarzenegger described in graphic detail his foiled attempts to go back in time to kill his pregnant housekeeper “in order to prevent her human son from being born.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s stunning admission came at a hastily called press conference held in front of Hollywood’s Universal Studios. California’s once popular governor claims to have traveled back in time to terminate his housekeeper’s pregnancy “to get Maria off my back.”
Schwarzengger revealed time traveling back to 1997 Los Angeles to bomb a Planned Parenthood Clinic where his former housekeeper was seeking pre-natal care for her unborn son. “It would have been a kind of twofer, getting rid of a Planned Parenthood Clinic and killing the pregnant human,” claimed the icy former governator.
Although the steely efficient Schwarzenegger was able to destroy the clinic and kill all the staff, the governor’s former housekeeper managed to escape the fiery inferno.
Schwarzenegger continued to address the press in a prepared statement, “I deeply regret the fact that I was unable to make a clean kill at the clinic back in ’97. It’s pretty embarrassing and not typical of my model number. While I don’t understand, I am told I deserve what are known as feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family. No one was ever supposed to know what an epic douche I really am. I am told my behavior makes the skin crawl of those who have real human skin.”
After members of the press joked that the aging bodybuilder might no longer have what it takes, Schwarzenegger flew into a rage using his powerful metal endoskeleton to crush one of his tricked-out Hummers. The defiant openly cyborg former governor quickly left the premises, modifying his trademark line, “I’ll be back…in the sack!”
While the governor’s former housekeeper and her now teenage son could not be reached for comment, it is believed they have gone underground, living in an undisclosed location while working for Jerry Brown’s Resistance Forces.