Skip to main content

I was one of the lucky ones. I was able to hide it, I was never outed. But is that really a good thing? To hide who you are for so long that you quite literally forget who you were? I don't think it is a good thing. It was a defense mechanism, I was young and didn't understand. The world I lived in was not friendly to people who were different, especially gay people, and so I hide the truth even from myself. I also did anything I could to convince myself that the religion I was told to believe was true, because the world I lived in would have been extremely hostile to me otherwise. At least that is what I told myself. I tried so hard to convince myself that I forgot what I really believed in my heart, I completely forgot who I was. I excused myself by saying it was a defense mechanism, but in actuality I was a coward. I didn't have the strength to come out and face the truth to others, I didn't even have the strength to come out to myself. I try not to judge myself too harshly, my circumstances were not conducive to admitting such things about myself. But I do know that I cannot live a lie any longer, over the past couple years I slowly remembered who I was, and began telling those closest to me, who I was. It was very scary at first, even though I am no longer a teenager, an adult able to make my own decisions. I was nervous, I didn't know how people would react. But even though most reactions have not been negative, it was still a trying experience, I almost felt embarrassed to tell the truth. Ashamed, almost like I was admitting to wrongdoing. It is the culture I grew up in. But mostly it was liberating, and I feel like I can finally be who I am. This is my story.

My family was Catholic, or to put it better, we were Traditional Roman Catholic. That is to say, my family was from a radical group within the church that believed that the changes in Vatican II had made the church a sinful place and the modern mass was not valid, or subversive, or some other such nonsense. None of them could agree on how sinful it was, or what exactly were the particulars of what made it bad, but they all agreed that it was. They are quasi-schismatics, some of them openly so. But then we moved to Kentucky from California when I was five, and we joined a group called The Society of St. Pius X. The group was created by an Archbishop Lefebvre. When the changes in the church began, he started his own sect that continued to serve the traditional Latin mass, without the changes from Vatican II. He appointed several bishops for his new order without the blessing of Rome and began his new splinter group. The bishops were excommunicated. The Society never openly declared themselves separated from Rome, however, many of them were Sedevacants. For those who do not know, those are people who believe, for one reason or another, that the seat of Rome is vacant. That is, that the line of popes has been broken and the current pope has no authority. To explain the relevance of this, I was growing up surrounded by a group that was much conservative, to put it lightly, in terms of social issues, than even most Novus Ordo Catholic churches (the mainstream church). And by this, I mean their tolerance level for anything different was very low. They believed that non-traditional Catholics were going to hell, gay people were going to hell, and were all perverts (this was a common theme). Atheists would burn, you name it. Anyone who wasn't them and didn't follow the extremely narrow doctrine they believed in would burn for all eternity. Real Catholic doctrine talks about invincible ignorance, about baptism of desire and of blood. Traditional Catholics disregard such concepts, just like they disregard the authority of the church they claim to be a member of. To bring the point home, perhaps some of you have heard of a man named Bishop Williamson? Shortly after the current pope Benedict the XVI lifted the excommunication on the bishops from the society, and welcome them back to the fold, Bishop Williamson was heard speaking of how the holocaust was a myth. I could tell all sorts of stories about Williamson, such as his obsession with women wearing pants, and how it caused men to have lustful thoughts, but thats a story for another time. Suffice it to say, this man was one of the top few leaders in the society, and that should give you some idea the sort of leadership that we dealt with.

Luckily for me my family was not quite as radical as some in the group, and did not entirely agree with all of the nonsense. But they agreed enough to not leave, to continue taking us their the entire time we grew up. I believe it did untold damage to the entire family. But worse, I was home-schooled. For those of you who were, not all who are home-schooled are done so for bad reasons, and many turn out great, or get a great education. In the case of my family, we were home-schooled because my parents did not want us being taught evil things like the Theory of Evolution. They believed that the public schools would teach us all sorts of evil lies about science and sexuality, and liberal versions of history. Now my mother taught us, and in some respects she didn't do a horrible job. Aside from a deficiency with math that I have struggled with in college because I did not have a good foundation, I have done well in a college environment. My reading comprehension skills on the SAT were good, my writing passable, my mathematics dismal. But my qualm with this teaching was that in an effort to avoid me learning lies, I was taught the real lies, and it took years to shake off the effects of the indoctrination. It also caused me to rarely spend time around anyone who was not in a similar situation to me. This caused an echo chamber effect and made it hard for me to find questioning viewpoints so as to fight the lies I was being fed. I am a logical person, but with no conflicting viewpoints I couldn't see past the indoctrination.

This is the world I grew up in. In the Northern Kentucky Cincinnati Area, hardly a liberal area. Hardly a progressive area. There is a quote often attributed to Mark Twain, though it's origins are not verified "If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later." A world where people lived in the past, summed up the area perfectly. Though ten years is being generous, I would say fifty. In this environment admitting who I was would have been disastrous. At least that's what I told myself. Everyone believed that gays were evil, perverts. That they preyed on children, that what they did was a sick thing, that they were an abomination. Any mention of anything gay, and someone brought up Sodom and Gomorrah. We needed to be obliterated, God said so in the bible and that was final. Problematically for me, for as long as I could remember I liked boys. When I was very young, I wasn't interested in girls but I really liked boys. I knew I did, I knew it was the truth. But I was afraid, it was such a taboo thing to be. My friends would have disliked me, I would have been shunned, people most likely would have not me I was not really gay. They would have told me I needed to have the gay cured from me. I cannot even imagine what that would have done to me psychologically. I was the type of person who always told myself that I was okay with who I was, that I was myself and if people didn't like me they weren't worth it. For a person like me, being told by so many that who I was, was evil, perhaps would have destroyed me. For that reason I hid who I was from myself, I knew and I forgot. I can't even describe what a horrid period my teenage years were. I had fantasies about guys, I told myself I liked them as friends. I felt guilty, dirty. I thought I was going to hell. If I masturbated I thought I was going to hell. I was so scared all the time, thinking I was an abomination in the eyes of God. Sleepless nights, crying, beating myself to atone for my sins. I am painfully ashamed to admit I did that, but I believed I was so evil. The fear and guilt nearly consumed me. I was resilient, but I was ALONE. If I could not even admit it to myself, how could I admit it to others? My thoughts were evil, masturbating was evil, I was sinful and going to hell. And for years I believed it, I agonized over it. I believed the devil would take me in my sleep and recited prayers and held crucifixes and icons trying to pray away the evil inside me. But I still hid from myself who I was. I wouldn't admit it.

A few years ago my family moved to Maryland. They went to a different traditional Catholic church, I was barely eighteen years old. It was no longer St. Pius X. I thought it might be better, at first it was. Then an old priest there starting preaching the same hate I was used to. And I left, went to a local Novus Ordo mass, much to my fathers dismay. I tried so hard to be Catholic, to convince myself that I believed in God. But you see I was starting to have doubts. The internet had been my savior, I had met people there on discussion forums and blogs who had argued with me, and being a logical person I started to realize that what I believed might not actually be correct. I already believed that the Theory of Evolution was probably true, and I was starting to question whether gay people were really that bad, though I still made fun of them sometimes. But I just couldn't' be Catholic, I tried so hard to convince myself that I was. I came up with so many logical justifications for God being real, but I personally could not bring myself to believe it. I could not be Catholic, I was trying to force myself to believe a religion that was never truly mine, but something forced on me. To make matters worse I was never a real Catholic in any sense, since I had grown up in a quasi-Catholic-cult. I left the church, explaining this to my parents was, hard. I called myself agnostic to soften the blow, even though I felt closer to atheist. I am honestly still not sure at this point. I believe in being tolerant of others beliefs. But I must be honest with myself, I will not again force myself to believe something that is not true. And one more wall fell. And I was finally discovering who I was.

I had already begun to become a progressive, reading Daily Kos, too afraid to comment or write a diary. For many years I never signed up for an account. For the longest time after that, I never participated at all beyond lurking. But I eagerly soaked up everything. I read people's stories, about their struggles with coming out, and slowly, very slowly I started to wake up. When I saw the truth about myself that I had hid away for so long I was scared, but it felt good somehow. Like discovering an old friend I hadn't seen for a long time. I felt whole again. I came out to one of my brothers first. Then slowly I came out to the rest of my siblings. I knew my brother wouldn't judge me. I had to take it slow, I was scared to admit it to myself. But I got it out there. I was afraid if I didn't tell someone, several people, I would try to hide it from myself again, and lose who I was. I was dreadfully afraid of that. So I started telling my siblings, and finally my mother. My dad doesn't know yet, I have not got up the courage to tell him. I am in my twenties, a college student, moving out soon. It is not so much that I am afraid, well partly, more that I feel he will be disappointed and blame himself. I'm not sure I can handle that right now. But I finally came to understand who I am, I don't have a boyfriend yet. But at least I have stopped living a lie, and it feels so much better. I am studying Buddhism and I love it. And life feels so much better.

But did it really have to be so painful? I don't know. Should I have really hid the truth from myself for so long? Did it do more harm than good? I will never know. But what I do know, is that if you are in the closet, please come out. Not for others but for yourself. You are worth it, you are a great, unique person no matter what anyone says. Do no ever let yourself feel guilty for being who you are. Do not ever let anyone tell you who to be, or what to do. Only you know what is best for you. But if you remember anything, remember this. What they say in the campaign is true, it gets better. It will always get better. People's reactions may not be great, you may face some bullying, but do not give up. Though the sky may seem dark, and it may look to stretch as far as the eye can see, the winds of change are blowing. Your life will get better, and the lives of all LGBT people will get better. The wind is at our backs and the tide is turning.

Peace and love to you all.


P.S. I am sorry for making this so long. It is quite a long story and I am not good at summaries.

Originally posted to Crazy Moderate on Fri May 20, 2011 at 08:11 AM PDT.

Also republished by Angry Gays and Milk Men And Women.

Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags


More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

  •  Thanks for sharing, Greg. (13+ / 0-)

    I'm glad you were able to get through the dark times and are now in a better and happier place.

    One should no more deplore homosexuality than left-handedness. ~Towards a Quaker View of Sex, 1964 (Proud left-handed queer here!) SSP: wmlawman

    by AUBoy2007 on Fri May 20, 2011 at 08:20:18 AM PDT

  •  I don't know whether Twain made the quip (8+ / 0-)

    about Cincinnati, but if he did, he was riffing off of something the Iron Chancellor (Otto von Bismarck) once said about a nothing little province in north Germany, a little west and north of Berlin:

    If I heard the end of the world was coming tomorrow morning, I would rush to Mecklenburg. Everything happens there fifty years later.

    (Some versions of the story have him saying "a hundred years later.")

  •  Welcome and thanks for sharing! :) nt (7+ / 0-)

    Being gay is natural, hating gay is a lifestyle choice. - John Fugelsang

    by cooper888 on Fri May 20, 2011 at 08:32:52 AM PDT

  •  Welcome home (9+ / 0-)

    Glad to see you, Greg. Pull up a comfy chair and have a cup of whatever rings your bell.

    Republishing to the appropriate groups. :)

    When are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage. - Practical Magic

    by Keori on Fri May 20, 2011 at 08:56:27 AM PDT

  •  Thank you for sharing your story. (5+ / 0-)

    I wouldn't encourage everyone in every situation to "come out," as every person is different. But I can say, as I did recently to someone else, that I am safe to come out to, about a variety of things.

    "This is about the human heart, and if that sounds corny, so be it." -- Keith Olbermann

    by allergywoman on Fri May 20, 2011 at 09:04:45 AM PDT

  •  Wow, Catholic too (8+ / 0-)

    As a recovered Catholic, I can guess just how awful that must have been.

    Thanks for a wonderful diary!

  •  tipped and recced!!! THANK YOU for writing!!! (8+ / 0-)

    i will digest this diary a little further later in the day...right now, i have to get to an appointment but i wanted to show you encouragement for taking the time to share your story...

    we all have these personal stories that help our straight allies, as well as our allies in the christian community (and there are MANY...but i'll address that in a later comment) put a personal face with what our community struggles with on the journey to wholeness.

    again, thanks!

    I believe that marriage is between a man and woman and I am not in favor of gay marriage..."Now, for me as a Christian — for me — for me as a Christian, it is also a sacred union. God’s in the mix." ~ barack obama

    by liberaldemdave on Fri May 20, 2011 at 09:15:08 AM PDT

  •  Important, heartfelt message, CM. Really glad you (4+ / 0-)

    share it with us, and it was certainly NOT too long.  Great essay!

    Conservatives are] engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; ...the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness. JK Galbraith

    by Vtdblue on Fri May 20, 2011 at 10:53:13 AM PDT

  •  Thanks for writing what you did (5+ / 0-)

    I was truly lucky. My folks and all of my family taught me to think for myself. Anyone in your situation, being taught early on to accept whatever is told you on faith, have a much harder road to travel. That you've come through and have learned to make your own decisions indicates that you are a truly remarkable individual.

  •  Really great diary! (5+ / 0-)

    Thanks! It brought back memories of my own childhood many decades ago although I never had to deal with such a hateful church. Those of us who have been attracted to our own sex for as long as we can remember went through a lot of what you did. Some of us deal with it by hiding who we are and wind up missing out on a lot of "growing up." Others are open and deal with all the opprobrium a homophobic society has to offer. Others unfortunately can't deal with it and end up suicidal.

    I am really glad that no matter what the homohaters try, they are losing ground over time. Glbt youth today have the advantage of so much information, ability to meet others not to mention the many role models, all in stark contrast to what existed in my younger days.

    And you turned out like me: a liberal gay atheist. It may be three strikes as far as the rapture coming tomorrow but I couldn't be happier!

    Just another faggity fag socialist fuckstick homosinner!

    by Ian S on Fri May 20, 2011 at 11:01:50 AM PDT

  •  Another gay ex-Catholic (4+ / 0-)

    Thanks for sharing your story and I'm glad it has a happy ending. I also have thought the notion that gay people who can easily hide it, may have a tougher time at coming out in the long run.  I didn't have that particular circumstance. :)

    As you have mentioned, coming out isn't an event, it's a process. I found once I shed the shame I was quite immune to the disparaging remarks of others. Connecting to the gay community ended my sense of isolation, which was the worst part of it for me.

    Continued progress on your journey.

    No, you couldn't eat off my kitchen floor.

    by wayoutinthestix on Fri May 20, 2011 at 11:38:40 AM PDT

  •  Thank you for your story (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    wayoutinthestix, EdSF

    I lasted a lot longer than you before coming to terms with the truth.  (My mother was Catholic and gave me very negative values regarding everything sexual.)

    I once ran a therapy group for men with "coming-out" issues and heard many stories of parents' reactions.  It always started with denial, shock and maybe anger.  And definitely guilt.  Mothers, especially, seem to feel that they did something wrong as a parent and caused it.  Then there's the fear that you'll live a lonely life without a family of your own.

    But in the end, most parents realize that sexuality doesn't change how they feel about their child.  They have always loved without condition and this doesn't change it.

    I think you have a responsibility (not just a right) to be happy.  It's a big part of being the best person you can be.  That means being yourself and "getting your needs met" (as my therapist used to say).  What took some time, I found, was confronting those negative childhood values that brought about my shame and misery and rejecting them (now, as an adult) for the damage they caused me.  Those days are over!

    Good luck!

    I used to be Snow White...but I drifted.

    by john07801 on Fri May 20, 2011 at 11:47:00 AM PDT

    •  I can only imagine the pain some of those people (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:

      felt. I know the reaction all to well. It also happens when you come out to Catholic mothers as being atheist, not just gay. They feel guilty,  they are in denial, they pray that you will convert and find the truth. They act like you are somehow ill, or something.

      I do still have to confront some demons, I was conditioned to feel a certain way. Sometimes I feel guilty, for being who I am. I am getting better at fighting that, but I can't pretend it's not there in front of me.


      •  Confront those demons! (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Crazy Moderate

        You're in charge of your life now, CM.  You set the path, the priorities, the goals in your life.  And one of them is lifelong happiness.  Who is better equipped than you to determine that?!

        The demons can return again and again in your thinking.  But the more resolute you are about confronting them consciously  (as the damage they've caused) and overruling them with your adult intellect, the more your true identity will emerge, strong and self-assured.  That's mental heath in a nutshell.

        We've all been through a lot of pain in this area, caused by others (usually when they only meant the best).  But it's our duty to fight through the shame and establish ourselves, our lives and our futures.

        You sound like you're on a similar track as me...just many years earlier.  I'm happy for that and I wish you the very best.  My e-mail address is in my profile if you want to talk privately.

        Exploit all your dreams!  Even the "x-rated" ones!  Haha!

        I used to be Snow White...but I drifted.

        by john07801 on Fri May 20, 2011 at 06:01:15 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  You are right. (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:

          I have to confront them consciously every time they come up. Sometimes it means mentally arguing with yourself (makes me feel crazy), but it has to be done. I have to be in control of my own mind. I cannot allow old superstitions and judgmental teachings to inhibit me or make me feel guilty about being who I am.

          If I want to be happy I have to confront them, no matter how hard it is. Thanks for the encouragement, I'll keep that in mind.

          Haha, even the 'x-rated' ones, that's funny.

  •  Thank you, crazy moderate (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    Every coming out story is important and will help others. It is particularly noteworthy that your history is in the very recent past, a time when too many people have assumed that it is so much easier growing up gay. My experience of youth was a nightmare of self-hatred brought on by both my Catholic belief system and my peer group in sports. I passed for straight very easily and was terrified of ever coming out of the closet. Needless to say, it went to a very dark place and I was unable to come to terms with my sexuality for many years and even then only with the help of therapy. I am so happy that you were able to discover your truth earlier, but your experience can make you a more compassionate human being who cares greatly for our younger LGBT brothers and sisters and hopefully it will inspire you to fight for their civil rights as I hope I have fought for yours. Peace, real peace!

    •  I can't even imagine. (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      EdSF, rserven

      Coming out years ago, as a Catholic, would have been a nightmare. I'm glad you were able to finally come to terms with your sexuality though. And the Catholic part makes it harder, their is such a vehement opposal to all things gay. It is quite disturbing at times.

      Yes, its still hard for people even today, I'm happy if I can help get that message out. Even with so much support the world is not always a bright and happy place for us. If anyone reads my story and it helps them I would be very happy. Hopefully some younger LGBT's stumble on this and it helps them in some small way.

      I do want to help the cause more. Recently I was so excited because someone approached me in the parking lot and asked me to sign a petition for gay and transgender rights, and had a phone for me to call my congressman about it right then and there (this is in Maryland). I was too busy to check the progress of the bill, but I was glad to participate. And I intend to participate much more in the civil rights process in the future. Just the beginning.

      Thank you my friend.

      •  There is much to look forward to (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Crazy Moderate

        while never forgetting to confront the injustice that exists here and now. When you are my age, people will wonder what all this was about. I was raised regular Catholic not traditional, but in those days the difficulty was the absolute silence, no one ever talked about it. All you heard were the slurs and the ridicule and society itself  was easily just as bad as the Church. There was no way you wanted to be gay. I was so afraid that my friends and teammates would find out that I lived in denial for a long time and then in despair when I realized I wasn't going to be "normal". I had absolutely no one to talk to about it. The world around me conspired to keep it unspeakable and I was growing up in New York, not some small town in the South! The difference now is that at least there are people to talk to if a young person can find them. That is what is so vital about the "It Gets Better" videos. For the first time older gay people can talk to young people directly and encourage them. Straight people can show that not everyone is  bigoted and hateful. There is a lot that needs to be done, but I am encouraged that a younger generation, post Prop 8 and aware of the life of Harvey Milk, will get it done. Best Wishes.

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site